Great Writing - Home > For Kids > Station Road, Chapter 2
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1795 guests online and 2 members online
For Children
Station Road, Chapter 2
By Phil
09 January 2007
Interested to know if this sounds old fashioned. I think I was thinking about my own childhood while I wrote it. (1970s) Also if it deals in stereotypes.

Chapter two.

CHILDREN DOGS AND MOZART.

“Mornin’ mister,” she called.

I only knew it was a girl because she was wearing a skirt.  In fact she was wearing her school uniform.  I found out later that she only ever wore a skirt for school.  All the rest of the time she either wore jeans or shorts.

Off she trotted up the street with her bag bouncing along with her.  The next thing I knew there was this great big brown and black dog running past me.  In fact it nearly bowled me off my feet.  It bounded up to her and for a moment I thought it was going to savage her.  I was all ready to dash up and pull it off her.  I used to be a dog handler when I did my national service you know.  Anyhow, I needn’t have worried, as all the great soft brute did was frolic around her, jump up and try to lick her face!

“Get off me Rover!” she laughed.  “I’m late already.”

Next minute out came a little boy.  He was about nine or ten I’d say.  He went running in the same direction as the girl.

“Mornin’ mister!”  he shouted as he ran by.  Rover, seeing someone else running down the street, turned around to greet him.  He bounded directly at the running child.  Well, of course, there was an almighty collision.  The boy was knocked over backwards and the dog was left standing over him panting and licking the boy all over his face with a big wet tongue.  Eventually the boy managed to wrestle Rover off  and stood up wiping his face on his sleeve.  Rover then lost interest and wandered off up the street sniffing at the lampposts as he went.

“You alright?”  I asked.

“Yes thanks mister.  Stupid dog!  I’ve spilt all my books for school now.”

“Is it your dog then?”  I enquired.

“Yea mister.  He’s called Rover,”  he said.

“Yes, I heard.  And you can call me Ted.”

“Great, thanks mist… I mean Ted.  I’m Billy.  I live next door at number eight.  I saw you move in yesterday.”

“Yes, that’s right,” I said.  “I’ve come from the other side of town.”

I helped him get his books together and then he was on his way.

“Thanks.  See you Ted,”  he called back after me.

I’d just started thinking what a nice boy Billy was when a door opened across the road and out came a man in a suit carrying a brief case.  He walked straight across the road and spoke to me.

“You’d better watch him, the little devil.  He’d sooner put your windows through than speak to you.”

“Ah, well he seemed nice enough,” I said.

“Don’t be fooled.  You can bet, anything goes wrong in this street, it’ll be him.  Him or his sister.  You just watch yourself.”

“Er, I will, thank you,” I said.  Although I must admit I didn’t like his tone.  Billy had seemed like a nice boy and I wasn’t going to change my opinion just because of a gossiping busy body.

“The name’s Bartholomew,” he said.

“Mr. Brown,” I replied rather frostily.  I was really beginning to dislike his manner.  Anyway, at that he turned heel and marched off down the road looking rather like a soldier on a parade ground.

After all the excitement, I’d quite forgotten what I’d actually come out for.  So I went back into the house and decided and make a cup of tea and listen to Composer of the Week on the radio.  I’ve always liked classical music.  If I remember rightly, the composer for that particular week was Mozart.

Reviews
Hi Phil
Written by jean.day (2366 comments posted) 8th January 2007
Good chapter, and you made the kids very loveable, and the dog too.  
 
I wasn't too sure if the old man would have asked the boy to call him by his first name. We certainly would never have called any of our older neighbours or parents' friends by anything other than Mr or Mrs So and So until we were out of high school.

Written by LynB (435 comments posted) 9th January 2007
Hi Phil. I enjoyed this chapter, and I am beginning to get really involved in the story. As you introduce each new character, you describe their personalities so well, that I feel like I know them - if that makes sense! I take Jean's point about Ted maybe not asking the boy to use his Christian name, but my mum, who is almost 70, told one of my son's older friends (he is 19 now), to call her Joyce, and my son calls his mates' mums and dads by their Christian names. However, there is an elderly lady who lives on my sister's post round, who is very nice to David, and always gives him money at Christmas, but she prefers him to address her in a more formal manner - perhaps it's just a matter of personal preference. 
 
Having said that, I really like this story, and can understand the elderly gentleman's love of classical music, as I do enjoy some of the lighter pieces myself. I also think it's admirable that he does not take the other man's comments about the boy and girl at face value. 
 
Looking forward to next chapter :)

Written by Clifftown (642 comments posted) 9th January 2007
This is a lovely, gentle story and I really like Ted as the narrator. I'd have enjoyed this as a teen, just as I have now.  
 
I like the intrigue you've set up in this chapter, with Bartholomew coming across as a "gossiping busy body" and wondering what trouble the kids have got themselves into! To answer your question at the beginning, I don't think this deals in stereotypes - Ted has some preconceived ideas which we all do on meeting people for the first time - half the fun is watching them unravel before your eyes. 
 
Also, regarding the "old fashioned" question, with Ted as the narrator I don't think the story should sound too "modern" - and for what it's worth I think you've pitched the tone just right. 
 
Looking forward to more.

Written by ellipinnock (1786 comments posted) 9th January 2007
I guess if you really want to know whether this sounds old fashioned you'll need to test it on the age group of your target audience. 
 
For what it's worth, I though it a good read, the children seem likeable characters. As with Jean I thought it a little odd that Ted would ask them to call him by his first name but apart from that no niggles. Liked it. 
 
Elli

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 10th January 2007
I am envious of the light, gentle tone you have established here, Phil. I am trying to rewrite two of my children's books, and both of them now strike me as being too densely written and not appealing to kids. 
 
As much as I hate agreeing with everyone else, I have to say that I too felt that Ted would probably not ask the kids to use his first name. I still feel odd when my kids' friends call me by my first name: when I was a kid, this would have been unimaginable.  
 
Kids will like it that Ted doesn't take the adults' opinions about them for granted, that he judges people on their own merits, even children. My children always feel very angry when they perceive that adults are ganging up on them, accepting the word or opinion of another adult over that of a child. 
 
I am eagerly awaiting further chapters.

Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 10th January 2007
Thanks for the comments. Taken on board what you've said about use of Ted's name. I will make changes. Not much time just now. Next few chapters already written too. Will have to work backwards when I've time. 
 
Thanks again, Phil.
My reactions
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3567 comments posted) 12th January 2007
I thought this chapter was much livelier than the first. I know introductions are difficult but young kids have a notoriously short attention span [like I have to tell a teacher that!] but the story perked up as soon as the kids themselves made an appearance. I loved the bit with the dog and I immediately liked the kids [and I'm sure the young readers will too] I don't have a problem with the mention of death I thought you handled it well. I didn't think it was too dated, a little mannered perhaps but perfectly acceptible for kids [as a teacher I'm sure you're more in touch with kids lingo than me]. It didn't jar though and you do need clarity of expression when writing for kids. You may need more dialogue; what is there is very good, but I was told by a publisher that for kids books at least 1/3 of the book should be dialogue. 
Looking forward to the next chapters.  
I'm doing a kid's book myself and will be following yours with interest 
As the narrator is adult this has the makings of a crossover book 
cheers 
jane 

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3567 comments posted) 12th January 2007
Just had an afterthought about the story In the first chapter if you were to hint that something was to happen to the kids or that there was a special secret it would hook the young reader.With character creation you have to create (a)curiousity,then (b)concern leading to (c)identification I was told but hey it's your story and too much advice can lead to inertia 
cheers again 
J

Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 12th January 2007
Thanks Jane. All good comments. I've already got up to chapter eight, probably three quarters of the way through. I'm already suffering inertia. If I ration my posts on this I may be able to get it finished. There are things I realise I need to edit in a pretty major way already. However, finishing anything of length has always been a problem, so I'm going to plough on (hopefully) for now just to get it finished and then edit/rewrite etc. 
 
Thanks again - always well considered and useful. 
 
Phil.

Written by Fledermaus (3488 comments posted) 17th January 2007
I'm curious what's going to happen, but moreover, why the neighbours don't like those kids. From your introduction I got the impression they were an anti-social bunch, but from this chapter they appear rather nice...

Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 19th March 2007
I think Ted's great. You were worried you're dealing with sterotypes (although i don't think that will even occur to children) but Ted isn't really sterotypical. He is a very likeable character and often you would perhaps expect an elderly person to be wary of young people and, as Jean said, you wouldn't expect him to allow them to call him by his first name. I think already that adds a great deal of dynamic to the characters and the story. 
I am sensing that perhaps there is a big secret to be dicovered, and that Ted's instincts on who to trust will either be proven right or wrong in due course. On to the next chapter...
Heavens Phil
Written by Josie (2846 comments posted) 16th June 2007
What a list of reviews! I would think I had hit the jackpocket if I had so many, ha ha. I haven't read everyone else's because I didn't want to be influenced by what they said. I enjoyed the slowly unwinding storiy, getting to know the characters and form my picture of them. I think that in the 1970s people were just beginning to let children call them by their Christian names. Not in the schools, though, and the same applies now. The children know my name, though. I think it is only right that they should (well they do read my poems with my name on them). My little grandaughter (3 this week), knows that my name is Josie. Bartholomew seems to have quickly formed a bad impression of Billy. I hope he is wrong. Lovely reading Phil. Thanks.

Written by philkent (167 comments posted) 18th June 2007
Hi Phil, 
 
I came across this while browsing and it wasn’t till I read the reviews that I realised this is children’s literature, that’s not to criticise it as I think this shows it has the crossover appeal of the so called ‘kidult’ books like How I live Now. 
 
This was very well written and engaging, paced and balanced very well, I think the characters informal approach to being called by his first name at a time when this was unusual makes him more sympathetic to a young reader as he acts as a cypher between the child and adult worlds, most importantly it leaves you wanting to know more. Good stuff. 

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item