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By deathstillness
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09 January 2007 |
I am not quite sure what you will call this! I am sure it is not a short story, I have been told it is not a prose. What is it? All I know is that it is coming from the bottom of my heart.
A lonely heart died at a moment when it heard the echo of that sound. It was a sound that brought joy always to the lonely heart, but now… it was killing it being around when that joyful sound started. Oh me, oh my lonely heart!
What was it you did wrong, oh my heart! Looking at the ground where foot traced ones, my tears fall and burned my skin. A heat I feel inside, a pain that confuses me.
I walk unnoticed, but still I notice the crowed. Gazes, whispers, and sloppy gestures. I am still unnoticed. That joyful sound is still heard among the crowed, but where? The pain pounding; my heart is almost torn apart. That’s it! The sound is here. I can hear it and I see …. I can see the …. The pain is now unbearable. I am not noticed still. There is an itch in my heart, I do not know why. The crowed is no longer a crowed and I am still unnoticed. The sound is no longer a sound, nothing left but the echo… a faded one. The pain is still. My heart… my lonely heart we are alone and unnoticed. |
Written by Snodlander (501 comments posted) 9th January 2007 | Who cares what it is? Why should it be pigeon-holed?
I found this moving I think it's the right length, any longer and it would be less readable. The language was very effective, I liked the unfinished sentences highlighting the confusion.
I was confused by 'Looking at the ground where foot traced ones'. Not sure what that means. |
Written by johniebg (538 comments posted) 9th January 2007 | Am not sure what this is but I really enjoyed reading it, in as much as it was a good read although, from what I got from the prose, my guess was 'the sound' was that of happiness and the narrator was sad that it passed them by. I was a little confused by the line: 'Looking at the ground where foot traced ones' but assumed you meant it literally, standing there drawing downward vertical lines with your foot.
Good stuff .. keep tapping.
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3352 comments posted) 9th January 2007 | I never know what to say when i read intensely personal statements like this. I get the impression there was no editing; it just came pouring out. If so it is remarkable articulate. And I would just add there is a world of a difference between being alone and being lonely
cheers
J | Thank you all.
Written by deathstillness (13 comments posted) 10th January 2007 | Snodlander:
glad you liked it. Yeah in this phrase I meant: that this despirate person is feeling really down and he looks at the ground where people once walked nothing remaind, bu the trace of their foot. Just empahsizing the lonliness. Thanks for your nice comment it just made me happy.
johniebg:
I explained to Snodlander what I meant by this line, however there is a spelling mistake it is once, not onse.
 sorry, my mistake.
Bottleblondesurfer:
THANK YOU! You are right, no editing, just wrote it down. When you go through certain times, you let your heart make the talking part and you let your body surrendor to your heart's well. |
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