Chapter 31

For a few minutes, Donna’s mother and sister sat there stunned, while he desperately tried to pull himself together.  Joanne was the first to speak.

“How long has this been going on, Jon?” she said, tears rolling down her face.  “We had no idea she felt like this!”

“I thought something was up when she first came home!” he said, his voice so quiet, they had to strain their ears to hear it.  “She seemed tired, and a little bit down, but I just put that down to the birth!  Then one night I could hear her crying, but she insisted nothing was wrong!  I came downstairs the next morning, and David was screaming his head off – nothing she did seemed to make any difference!  I asked her what was wrong with him, and she lost it!  That was when she told me that she didn’t feel anything for him!  I didn’t know what to think – it came as a bolt out of the blue!  I just wish she’d talk to me, so I could understand, but she won’t…..”

The two women exchanged glances, as once again he struggled to regain his self-control, twisting his handkerchief round and round his fingers.  He seemed to be totally at a loss as to what to do, and could not speak more than a few words without dissolving into tears.  He seemed just like a bewildered child, and their hearts ached for him.  As Donna’s mother disappeared into the kitchen to make another cup of tea, Joanne put a tentative hand on his shoulder.

“Were you going to tell us?” she said, gently.  “Don’t you think we had a right to know?”

“I didn’t know what to do!” he said, covering his face with his hands.  “I thought I could deal with it on my own – but I can’t!  She won’t talk to me, she won’t even look at me!  I didn’t mean to keep it from you, but I thought I could help her….”

“What do you mean – she won’t even look at you?”

“What I said!  She won’t let me anywhere near her!  Every time I touch her, she pushes me away.  When I asked her for a hug last night, she accused me of only wanting one thing!  It hurts so much, Joanne – I only want to help her through this!  I’ve never seen her like this before!  What’s wrong with her?”

“It sounds like post-natal depression to me!” said Donna’s mother, rejoining them in the living room.  “She has all the symptoms!”

“I should have known!” he said, slamming his fist down on the table in his frustration.  “Why didn’t I realise?  I’ve got four children, and I didn’t even realise my wife has post-natal depression!   What kind of a husband am I?”

“The best!” said Joanne, handing him a cup of tea.  “If she didn’t have it with Rosie and Clare, how on earth were you supposed to know what was wrong with her? Don’t beat yourself up about it, you’ve nothing to reproach yourself for! You’re doing your best for her, like you always have!  I know how much you love her….”

“Yes, I do!  The thing is, the way she’s behaving at the moment, I don’t think she loves me any more!  She can’t even bring herself to touch me…”

“Come on, that’s enough!”

Holding out her arms, Joanne pulled him close.  With his pride completely out of the window, he clung to her, weeping soundlessly.  He was shaking uncontrollably, and completely incapable of speech.  She gently rocked him back and forth, rubbing his back, in an effort to calm him down.

“Don’t ever think Donna doesn’t love you!  Even though she’s pushing you away, she needs you more than ever!  She’s scared of the way she feels – she needs your help, only she doesn’t know how to ask for it!  She must be hurting so badly right now!  She knows she shouldn’t feel like this about David, but she can’t help it.  Don’t give up on her – please!  I know it must be so hard, trying to give your love to someone who throws it back in your face, but her pride won’t let her admit how much she needs you!”

“I sometimes think to myself – was it something I’ve done?  Did I miss something?  Was there anything I could have done to prevent it?  Maybe if I’d spent more time at home, I would have noticed what was going on!”

“There’s nothing you could have done to prevent it!  Please, don’t think this is your fault – post-natal depression is something that can’t possibly be forecast!  All you can do now is help her through it.  The doctor can give her something to make her feel better, but the best medicine she could possibly have is a pair of loving arms!”

“She doesn’t want mine!”

“Yes, she does!  They’re the only ones she wants!”

“Why does she keep pushing me away, then?  I don’t understand!”

“She’s finding it hard to feel anything at the moment.  She just wants to shut herself off from the world, because she can’t face it at the moment.  She knows she should love her baby, and that’s what’s tearing her apart – she feels people will think she’s a bad mother, because she doesn’t love him!   Even though she’s pushing you away, she still craves your love, and your reassurance.  This will pass, love, it’ll just take time!”

“She’s not a bad mother!  She’s the best mother any child could wish for – she loves them more than life itself, well, apart from one…..”

His voice faltered, as he crouched down beside his tiny son.  He gently stroked his face, suddenly blinded by tears.  Almost as if he sensed he was there, the baby stirred and began to whimper.  He glanced up at his mother-in-law, then turned back to the baby.  She put a gentle hand on his shoulder, her heart aching for them both.

“Let me take him!” she said, softly.  “I’ll take him to his mummy – see if she’ll talk to me!”

“This isn’t right!” he whispered, tears beginning to spill down his face.  “You need your mummy, don’t you?  Why can’t she love you?  Why?  I wish I knew!”

“Please, Jon!” she said, holding out her arms.  “Give him to me!  I’ll take him upstairs to Donna – maybe she’ll talk to me!  Come on, don’t be too proud to accept help – you can’t deal with this alone!”

Reluctantly, he let her take the baby from him, and watched as she made her way upstairs.  He had never felt so helpless, and so inadequate in his life.  Donna was his wife – the woman he loved beyond all reason, yet there appeared to be nothing he could do to reach her.  He desperately wanted to take her in his arms, and hold her tightly, and reassure her that everything would be all right – but she would not let him.  It seemed that every time he tried to reach her, she moved just a little further away.

In the meantime, Donna’s mother had taken the baby into her, and sat down on the bed next to her, while she fed him.  She could not help noticing how tired her daughter looked, with dark circles under her eyes.  She seemed lifeless and defeated, as though she did not care about anything.  Her mother put her arm around her shoulder, her face full of motherly concern.

“Why didn’t you tell me, love?” she said, her eyes filling with tears.

“Tell you what?”

“You know what I mean!  You’re suffering from post-natal depression, aren’t you?  We want to help, you know - you’re not on your own!”

“Yes, I am!  At the moment, I feel as though it’s me against the world!  I so want to love my baby, mum!”

“And you will, love – you will!  Don’t ever feel alone – there are so many people who love you – if only you would let them!”

Donna gave her mother a knowing look, then turned back to the baby.

“You’re talking about Jon, aren’t you?” she said.  “What has he been telling you?”

“Oh, Donna!”

Her mother tried in vain to control the tremor in her voice. She took a deep breath, and carried on speaking.

“Why won’t you let him help you?  Don’t keep pushing him away – it’s tearing him apart!  He’s absolutely beside himself, the poor love!  Do you realise how much you’re hurting him, every time you turn him away?  He knows you’re in pain, and he wants to make it better, but you won’t let him!  When I came up here, Joanne was making yet another cup of tea, and he was curled up in an armchair, crying his heart out!”

“Well!” said Donna, looking at her mother, her eyes full of tears she appeared to be incapable of shedding.  “At least he can cry!”

“What do you mean?”

“I can’t cry, I can’t feel anything at the moment!  That’s why I turn him away, because I can’t give him what he needs!  There was a time when I ached for his touch, just the feel of his lips brushing against my cheek would make me want him so badly!  I can’t explain why, but I don’t feel that way any more – whenever he touches me, I don’t feel anything!  If he puts his arms around me, I’m afraid of what it might lead to, and that’s something I just can’t give him at the moment!”

“But you do still love him, don’t you?  Please, Donna – say you do!  Don’t break his heart!”

They were both startled by the door opening, and the sound of a great, gasping sob.  Donna stared at him, shocked.

“Jon!  How long have you been there?”

“Long enough!  Long enough to know exactly where I stand!  But, don’t worry, you haven’t broken my heart – you’ve just shattered it into little pieces!"