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By gutterkitty
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10 January 2007 |
Possibly my biggest experimentation yet. Don't think it quite worked, but if at first you don't succeed...
I've now edited the second part slightly, and changed the title as I wasn't very happy with it. Someone's dropped a mirror on the grass.
I won't say it was God,
I wouldn't accuse him of being so vain;
though maybe he can see his reflection
from where he is.
It's glass left like a trail,
droplets of mirror, thick and smooth. Nothing so blunt
as a puddle, filled with clouds and blue
and the fingers of leaves.
I leave my own trail of metaphors
as I walk, tentative next to the stillness.
I fill the water with God, with poems.
I wonder what I would see if I looked in.
Photocopies of sky, reflections of Him,
leafy fingers,
or a girl surrounded by fluttering metaphors,
arranging themselves into words,
into poems
arrange themselves into words,
surround me like fluttering metaphors or
leafy fingers.
I contemplate photocopies of sky, reflections of Him,
Wonder what I would see if I looked in.
I fill the water with God, with poems,
as I walk, tentative next to the stillness.
I leave my own trail of metaphors
Amongst the fingers of leaves.
In a puddle filled with clouds and blue
droplets of mirror. Thick and smooth, and although blunt
it's glass left like a trail.
From where he is,
though maybe he can see his reflection,
I wouldn't accuse him of being so vain.
I won't say it was God
who dropped a mirror on the grass.
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3331 comments posted) 10th January 2007 | I'll leave this one for the poets to comment on. I'm sure it all means something. I just wanted to say how much I liked the first verse. I thougth that was just a great concept, made me smile. It lost me after that but I'm no poet
J |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 10th January 2007 | Thought this was really interesting. Especially liked the first stanza and the last. Mundane point - It's should be its in the second stanza.
I do like the idea of mirroring the text, however, I think the second half of the poem in particular and the first in places reads less smoothly because of the constraint.
I reckon if you slackened the form a little and only reflected selected images this would be an easier piece to polish and smaybe stronger for it - it would allow you to introduce a new perspective much more easily - a distorted reflection so to speak.
Definitely potential in this - I think the third stanza needs some work - not as strong as the others for me although I liked the concept. Hope some of that is helpful!
Elli |
Written by Phil (6683 comments posted) 10th January 2007 | Very interesting idea, and I think you almost pulled it off. I say 'almost' because I think (although as usual - it could be me being slow) that in places the meaning was twisted a little too far to fit the form. Perhaps Elli has a point about not being so strict. I'd say: reflect the ideas maybe. Hope this makes sense.
I'd like to see this again if you work on it.
Phil. |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 10th January 2007 | thanks guys, this is really helpful!  I knew I hadn't quite pulled it off but wasn't sure how to fix it. You've given me some great ideas. Thanks for giving my piece your time. | time
Written by patterjack (1179 comments posted) 10th January 2007 | You know you are always welcome to a piece of my time GK !
I enjoy your work so much-- fresh and intelligent
I like to see your experiments and I enjoyed the idea of this one. It was a near miss , true -- but a very near miss
Stanza 4 of the *mirror * part was a stumbling block for me
As a purely personal comment I always move slightly away when I see references to God . Not that I would want to see you waste a great metaphor !
patterjack |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 11th January 2007 | | thank you patterjack once again you inspire my "aw, shucks" reflex! Even if I didn't pull it off this time I am interested in trying this style again. I've worked up a little bit of confidence and I'm enjoying experimenting. | Don't know how I missed this!
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 15th January 2007 | Great idea - more of a technical near-triumph for me, than a great work of literature - but worthy nonetheless. With no experimentation, there is little freshness - I commend you heartily for trying to do something different.
I really enjoyed this unique piece.
Oli |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 16th January 2007 | | Aw thanks Oli. You never cease to be generous with your kind words! I agree that it's not the best poem but the experimentation was fun and the positive response I've received has encouraged me to continue trying new ideas. I'm a bit hesistant to do so as I've always felt one needs to be a master of one's art before one starts trying to bend the rules, though I suppose poetry doesn't have any real rules to begin with. Anyway, thank you for your comment, and I hope to improve with practice! |
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