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Great Writing - Home > Comedy > Superstar Celebrity Surgery Club
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Comedy
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| Superstar Celebrity Surgery Club | |
| By Bottleblondesurfer | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 11 January 2007 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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There is a glut of TV programmes with desperate celebs attempting untried skills, with an expert to help, in a cheesy contest and by getting the public to phone in and vote it's raking in cash. If you haven't seen them this will seem really OTT and the names won't be familiar Two familiar figures bound onto a stage to frantic cheering from a hyped up audience. They stand there basking in the applause, an overdressed man and an underdressed woman. They are the presenters, the apotheosis of TV stardom, famous for being famous and they ooze smug self-satisfaction. KATIE- Hello and welcome to Superstar Celebrity Surgery where we see if the stars can really cut it” BRUCE- “Well that joke just gets better every time you tell it. As you know there were some shocks last week when we lost Dale Winton along with thoracic surgeon Herman Manx. Our celebrity judges loved their liver transplant operation but the audience phone-in vote put them in last place. [Dale Winton minces on, camp as a Bedouin settlement] KATIE- Before you go Dale is there anything you like to say to the audience [sly grin to camera] [this is his moment and he milks it] DALE- Weeeeeeeell, I thought we gave it our all and Herman , bless, him was faaaaabulous but I suppose when the bleeding started and I fluffed my punch line on the joke….. [he winks at the audience] I knew you wouldn’t let me get a way with that but; hey the patient survived and that’s what counts. KATIE- She did lose a lung BRUCE– But on the plus side she’s now got a non-speaking part in “Casualty” [wild applause from rabid audience] DALE- Hey, that’s showbiz. .And I just want to say, dear Herman did his best. Transplants aren’t his speciality. He’s sorry he can’t be here now but he’s been suspended pending an investigation. BRUCE- Well on with the show. DALE – I just want to say the judges were faaaaaabuuulous and…… BRUCE- Yes, well thanks Dale…. now Vanessa Feltz… DALE- Yes, dear Vanessa, sweetie, best of luck with the hysterectomy BRUCE- Right, sorry Dale time to go, no buts now DALE- [ big pout to camera] No butts,? shame…. well I might as well go. [he minces off to hoots of wild laughter] BRUCE- As I was saying Vanessa Feltz with her surgeon from Guys is heading the leader board. How do you feel Vanessa? KATIE- Yes, you must be thrilled, Vanessa. All the judges loved your tracheotomy. Malcolm Mclaren was impressed, he said he hadn’t seen so much blood on the floor since the sex pistols split up. [Vanessa does a sexy pose and blows Malcolm a kiss; the audience start retching] VANESSA- This is one in the eye for all those who had written us off after that messy Caesarean; and yes it’s nice to be at the top but that’s not what’s important here. The important thing is [she smiles at her surgeon] that everyone knows I’ll be in pantomime at Kings theatre until January 30th, tickets still available. BRUCE- Well said. I’m sure we’ll all be there. KATIE- [with cheeky grin] With as much rotten fruit as we can carry [No love lost between these two] BRUCE- Oh dear, Katie. I don’t know what we are going to do with you [Vanessa looks as if she is about to make a suggestion] BRUCE- Right well the next operation for you two is the hysterectomy and we’ve managed to find yet another member of the public so desperate to appear on TV they let us operate on them on stage. KATIE- And here she is [ a trolley is wheeled on with a figure strapped to it] Its Paula Strang from Bristol. Give us a wave Paula BRUCE- I’m afraid she’s already been prepped so she’ll miss her big moment. OK you two off you go and get kitted up. And remember Vanessa, my dear, if you hear screams again; you need more gas. [Vanessa and surgeon push the trolley off to cheers] KATIE- Well the next name on the board is our old friend Stephen Fry. BRUCE- And you’re teamed up with cosmetic surgeon Chuck Greenbaum which should be interesting as your operation tonight is a triple by-pass. Do you feel confident? FRY- Right, is there anyone here knows the meaning of litotes?….oops sorry wrong show, You see I’ve got two more game shows and a quiz to host tonight. So lets get chopping Chuck. [smug grin] [wild laughter because his contract states that everything he says gets a laugh] FRY- I may have to leave before the end but I’m sure Chuck knows more about by-pass technique than me. [Chuck looks slightly terrified] ….though possibly not much more by the look of him. KATIE- Well the disclaimers have been signed, so just get on with it guys. BRUCE- And here’s your vict…patient. It’s Lily Blane. Lily is hoping for a place in the next Big Brother, if she survives this. So the pressure is really on, here and remember the laughing gas is for her not you Stephen. FRY- I wonder if anyone here knows the correct name for Laughing gas? KATIE- I sincerely hope not after our vetting procedure.We leave the brainy stuff to you, Stephen [he simpers smugly] BRUCE- Right, well while the operations get started behind us I’d like to remind you that it’s your vote that counts and we sincerely hope you can’t, as you can vote as often as you like. Calls only cost 1.50 a minute and remember we do need to know your family history. KATIE- And remember it’s not just about technique and survival,…. the name is superstar surgery so style and dress sense counts as much. BRUCE- And more importantly can they raise a laugh amid all that blood and gore. And now [big drum roll] .tonight’s superstar surprise challenge is…… they have to perform on roller skates. OK come on guys [Vanessa and Stephen skate on stage hands in the air, followed by two unsteady surgeons] BRUCE/ KATIE- OK audience lets have the coundown. Five- four- three-two- one. Staaaaart slicing. ---------even I have to draw the line here-------------------
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