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Poetry
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loss
By no1butClo
11 January 2007
another slightly incomplete one, good bits n bad bits, help me out here

*12/01/07 - added last 3-line stanza

I can't argue, when you
walk into a room, sit
down and tell me to do
the same.

I can't answer back, when
you inform me of an accident
a struggle, a loss of
blood.

When news breaks, in one wave
over my brow, rushing in behind
dead eyes;

I have no words to fill that gap.

Reviews

Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 11th January 2007
I like the symmetry of the first two stanzas. Certainly, there are some items of "news" which leave you speechless. 
 
Hope this is a figment of the Chloe imagination and not a real disaster! 
 
Oli 
 

Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 11th January 2007
I liked this. I wonder if you should have completed this with a third verse started or finished with your last line. The first time I read this it seemed pretty complete, but on two subsequent reads it just seemed a little 'chopped off.' Hope this makes sense. Like it anyway. 
 
Phil.

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 11th January 2007
I think you hit it on the head with 'incomplete' - for me anyway i reached the end and felt like I was still waiting for you to bring the idea to a conclusion or take us in a different direction entirely... 
 
There is, however, something very powerful in the simplicity of this. I had to read the first stanza a couple of times to get the sense of it and 'an accident, a struggle, a loss of blood' might need a little work - accident and struggle seem opposed to eachother whereas loss of blood would match with either if you see what I mean. I'd lean towards either having 3 very clearly different phrases or three that are very different from eachother. 
 
I do like that last line - I almost feel like there should be another line there with it. Or I did until I just read it back again and changed my mind so it's up to you on that one! Hope at least some of that ramble is useful :) 
 
Elli

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