Got the idea for the structure of this after reading gutterkitty's recent piece...as for the content - they're selling Valentine biscuits in Sainsburys!!! It's only Jan 11th for crying out loud so an anti-valentine from me. Criticism welcomed :)
Velvet petals stick to my skin,
I peel them back one by one with restless fingers
and shrug them off with warm breath
to float down to the ground on a whisper,
'He loves me.
He'll not forget me'
Summer heat collects anxiously
in the curve of my spine.
Another stalk is crushed,
another shower of petals falls.
I will bake my wishes
into heart-shaped biscuits
where they will not mix but lie
instead on top, crunchy and saccharine.
A voodoo treat
to pin you down
underneath the weight
of my desires,
desires that spike
goosebumps along your spine
with the caress of lips
cold with betrayal.
Your velvet fingers stick to my skin.
Restless, I peel them back one by one.
I shrug away your embrace,
leaving you with my whispers floating in your ears,
'You love me
You'll not forget me.'
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Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 11th January 2007 |
Very nice SweetElli! Not sure about the velvet fingers, they can often be iron digits in a velvet glove...
Sensuous as usual - not sure about the overall effect - is it just that you are unsure of your paramour? If so, chuck him and join my harem! I'll clear it with Weasel.
Very nice. 8 1/2 out of 10
Oli  |
Written by Fledermaus (3303 comments posted) 11th January 2007 |
| Clearly an Elli Pinnock. This can't be written by anyone else. Lovely poem and a somewhat lighter theme than many of your other poems. I especially liked the metaphors of " A voodoo treat to pin you down underneath the weight of my desires". Brilliant find. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 11th January 2007 |
'You love me
You'll not forget me.'
I'm willing to believe that is no idle boast, especially after reading this. I must say I didn't find it sweet, sensuous-yes but not sweet. If you want some adjectives: powerful, determined, obsessive. That's the effect I got but as i have said before I'm no poet and probably didn't understand it.I often get my metaphors in a twist. It was a pleasure to read though, very lyrical
cheers
J
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Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 11th January 2007 |
Read this a couple of hours ago and didn't comment as I was unsure. Came back to it now, reread and it means so much more. Funny what a few hours can do. I'm with BBS on this one: sensuous but not sweet, far from it. Loved the last verse.
Phil. |
Written by francoise (129 comments posted) 11th January 2007 |
i liked the fourth and fifth verse,for the same reason as Fledermaus, but i found that the different verse lengths made it abit of a jolty read. I still cant make my mind up about the way you tied in the first and last verse together: i can see how it can bring a piece together, and ive done it myself in some of my past attempts. But I felt it alittle forced somehow..it could just be me though.. i am hardly an expert on creative writing.
Perhaps if i give it another read i might think differently. Will let you know!
well done
Fran |
Hi Elli
Written by jean.day (2283 comments posted) 11th January 2007 |
At first I thought she was so desperate to keep him, that she couldn't do the rhyme properly - wouldn't allow - "He loves me not" to be even thought much less spoken. But as the poem progressed, she seems angry, bitter, destructive, and ends up being threatening.
Powerful, very intense, very good. |
Thanks all...
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 12th January 2007 |
Changed the pronouns at the the end from I to you after Oli read it - seems to have done the trick on the sinister front
Fran - you're right about it being 'jolty' in places - I have it in mind to rework the line breaks which should hopefully solve the problem.
Elli |
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 12th January 2007 |
For the sake of clarity - "sweet" is the prefix I chose to give to Elli, not a comment on the work.
God, I'm so inscrutable that even my comments are beyond the understanding of mere mortals! Woe is me!
Oli
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 12th January 2007 |
Oli ,it's that Scot's burrrrrr. We cannae understand it!
[sorry Elli I know it's your post]
J |
Don't worry BBS...
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 12th January 2007 |
It's too many battered Mars Bars over Christmas, the sugar's gone to his poor wee head...
E |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 12th January 2007 |
This poem is right up my street. I always like the idea of Valentine's Day, but find that in reality it smacks of insincerity, candy lust, and the filling of merchants' coffers instead of real romance or true, unselfish love. I can easily picture a manipulative woman shredding roses and working her voodoo on some unsuspecting, gormless male.
The only thing I had a problem with was your third stanza: 'where they will not mix but lie / instead on top, crunchy and saccharine.' I cannot picture this, but that could well be me and not the poem. Everything else worked beautifully, and I liked what Fledermaus said about this poem being obviously yours -- that is true; you do have an individual voice, and I admire that. |
Written by rilLie (327 comments posted) 14th January 2007 |
great metaphors and generally liked the mood and the feel of it. :D
great job. :D
rilLie |
Written by wattle (117 comments posted) 14th January 2007 |
| Ms Elli, What have been up to over the holidays, I ask? Is this the lady who claims to not like the image in the mirror, I think not! ------- Magic Elli I love this it ‘sings’ (rocks even). |
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