Chapter 32

For a moment or two, there was an awkward silence, then Donna’s mother got up from the bed, saying:

“I think we’d better go.  You two need some time alone to sort things out!”

“You don’t have to” said Donna, not even looking up.  “There’s nothing to sort out.  That’s the way I feel, I can’t help it!”

“Please, Donna!  Talk to him – you can’t leave it like this!  Explain to him how you feel, that’s the very least he deserves!  He’s hurting, too, you know!  How must he be feeling right now? You don’t even know how much he overheard!”

“Well, he ran off before I could say anything!”

“Is it surprising?  Just think about it the other way around – how would you feel if he said he didn’t want you near him?  You’d be devastated, wouldn’t you?”

Donna thought about this for a moment, and could not help thinking that her mother had a point.  She was so confused at the moment – even though she could not return Jon’s affections, she could not imagine her life without him in it.  It just did not make sense – then again, nothing made sense to her at the moment.

Next morning, at the breakfast table, the atmosphere was decidedly strained.  Jon did not say anything, but every time he looked at Donna, it was a look of accusation, as his eyes searched her face, for the answers to the questions that were crowding his mind.  Rosie and Clare were too young to notice, but the tension between them was not lost on Emily.  She wondered what she could do – she loved both of them so much, and just wanted to ease their pain.

Little David did not seem to want to sleep, so Jon took him out for a walk to try and calm him down. In the meantime, Emily took the opportunity to talk to Donna.  While the two younger girls were playing happily together, she made her way into the kitchen, where Donna was loading clothes into the washing machine.

“Can I talk to you, please, mummy?” she said.  “It’s really important!”

“Come on, then!” said Donna, grateful of the chance to sit down.  “Let’s sit down in the living room, then you can tell me what’s on your mind!”

When they were settled comfortably, Donna put her arm around Emily’s shoulders, and asked her what was bothering her.

“Well, it was more than one thing, actually, mummy!” she said, trying to choose her words carefully.  “I don’t understand, if you love me, and you love Rosie and Clare, then why don’t you love David?”

“It’s not that easy to explain, Emily” said Donna, surprised at her question.  “I just feel so tired all the time, and I feel really unhappy – but I don’t understand why!”

“Did daddy do something to upset you?”

“No!  Of course not!  It’s just something that happens, sometimes – other people feel like I do, they can’t love their babies – but they do eventually, and I’m hoping that’s what will happen to me!”

“So do I!  There’s something else, mummy – I noticed daddy looked really sad today as well!  Has something happened?  Did you have an argument or something?  He’s not going to go away again, is he?”

“Oh, Emily!  He’s not going anywhere!  It’s just that he’s sad, because I am!  When you love someone, if they’re unhappy, then you are, too!  If you love someone, you want them to be happy, and you’ll do anything to make sure they are!  Daddy wants to make sure I’m happy, but he’s not quite sure what to do, and that’s why he’s sad!  Does that make any sense to you?”

“I don’t like it when you’re sad, mummy!  What can I do to make you happy again?”

“Just be here for me – and give me lots of hugs.  Do you think you can do that?”

“Yes!  I’m good at hugs!  What about daddy?  Shall I give him lots of hugs, too?”

“That’s a good idea!  I think he could do with all the hugs he can get at the moment!”

Emily lay her head on her shoulder, smiling happily, little realising the real meaning behind the answer to her last question.

Donna thought back to little David’s birth, and how happy they had been. How on earth had it come to this?  Instead of being full of joy, and celebrating this brand new life, they were both eaten up with misery.  Instead of taking comfort in her husband, she was pushing him away.  Even though she knew she was hurting him, she could not help herself.  It was almost as though she was punishing him, along with herself.  Subconsciously, she thought that if she could not love her baby, she did not deserve her husband’s love, either.  Of course, it was totally irrational, but at the moment, her life did not seem to have any rhyme or reason to it.  She glanced downwards, and noticed Emily was asleep.  Why couldn’t she have the same feelings of love for her little son, as she did for the little girl in her arms?  Only time could answer that question. She looked up with a start, as she heard the front door open. After a minute or two, the living room door opened, and Jon came in.  He sat down on the sofa, next to Emily, but he did not speak.

“Where’s David?” she said, looking around.  “Is he asleep?”

“He’s in the hall!  I’m surprised you care!”

On seeing the hurt look on her face, he immediately apologised.

“I’m sorry, Donna!  It’s just that I can’t get what you said to me out of my mind!  Did you really mean what you said?  You don’t want me near you?”

“Yes, I meant it!  Don’t ask me to explain why I feel the way I do, because I couldn’t, even if my life depended on it!  It’s almost as though all my feelings have died – I just don’t understand!  It’s not you – it’s me!”

“The last time I heard that line, I was being dumped!” he said, looking away, but not before she saw the tears in his eyes.  “I’ve had a lot of time to think while I’ve been out walking, and I’m going to ask you a question – I want a straight answer!  A simple yes or no will do – and I want the truth, even if it’s not what I want to hear!”

“Go ahead!” said Donna, she had a feeling she knew what the question was going to be.

“Do you still love me, Donna?  Yes or no?”

“No!” she said, her voice a whisper.  “I don’t think I do!”

“You don’t think?  You either do or you don’t!”

“Okay, then!  No, I don’t!”

For a moment, he sat there staring at her, feeling as though his heart had just been ripped out.  Even though he had his suspicions she would say that, it still hurt beyond belief to actually hear it.

“Is that your final word?” he said, his voice a strangled whisper. “You’ve stopped loving me – just like that, or has this been in the offing for sometime?”

“No!” she said, trying to keep her voice down, to avoid waking Emily.  “Since David was born, I’ve never felt the same – I don’t know what’s going on inside my head!  I’m so sorry, Jon!  Maybe one day, my feelings will change, but right now, I just don’t feel like I used to!  In a nutshell – I just don’t love you any more!”

“Fine!” he said, struggling to hang on to what was left of his pride.  “I’m not going to beg!  If that’s how you feel, there’s nothing I can do about it!  Why don’t you just kick me in the nuts, and have done with it?  I don’t think the pain could be any worse than it is now!”

“I’m sorry!”

“I bet you are!” he said, his voice bitter.  “but not as sorry as I am!”

With that, he walked from the room, and tore up the stairs.  He went into the bedroom, and, turning on the radio so nobody could hear, he curled up in a ball on the bed, and howled with rage and frustration.  He did not know how long he lay there, sobbing into his pillow, but when he finally fell quiet, his eyes and throat were sore, and his head was pounding.  He glanced at the clock – it was nearly 8pm!  He did not realise he had been there as long as that – he got up slowly, and made his way downstairs.  He was surprised to see Joanne there.  She could not help noticing his swollen, tearstained face, but did not dare ask any questions.

“Do you mind if I go out, Donna?” he said, his voice completely devoid of emotion.  “I need to clear my head, and you’ve got Joanne to keep you company.”

“No, of course not!” she replied, unable to bring herself to look at him.  “Do what you want!”

With that, he went out of the door, and began to walk.  He made his way to the little pub where they had celebrated their wedding anniversary.  He hesitated for a moment before going in – it did not seem the same without her – then he took a deep breath, and went inside.  As he sat at his table, nursing his pint, he looked at all the happy faces around him, and could not help thinking that it only seemed like yesterday that he and Donna were celebrating their love at this very table – now they seemed a million miles apart.  Where had it all gone wrong?  He was so deep in thought, that he did not notice someone standing in front of him.

“You look like you’ve been stood up!” she said, smiling.

“You don’t know the half of it!” he said, not even looking at her.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really!” he said, glancing up at her.  “I just want a bit of peace and quiet!”

“Fine!” she snapped, turning on her heel.  “Be that way!  I was just trying to be nice, that’s all!”

“I’m sorry!” he said, regretting the way in which he had just spoken to her.  “Please, sit down!”

She sat down and introduced herself, and he did likewise, offering her another drink.  Her name was Linda, and, in some ways, she reminded him of Donna – especially her eyes.  As the drink began to flow, so did the conversation.

“Come on!” she said, putting her hand on his.  “Talk to me, then!  What’s on your mind?  It’s not very often you see a good-looking bloke like you, all on his own!”

“Oh, please!” he said, giving her a withering look.  “Don’t patronise me!  It’s bad enough my wife taking me for a complete fool, without you starting!  I still have a little pride left, you know!  Just a little…”

“Come on!” she said, undeterred.  “Unburden yourself – a problem shared and all that!”

That was all the invitation he needed.  As she sat and listened attentively, he told her from start to finish what had happened.  She sat there with tears in her eyes, almost feeling his pain.  The look of concern on her face broke him, and, not wanting to break down in front of God knows how many people, he got up and rushed out of the pub, closely followed by Linda.  She caught up with him, and grabbed hold of his arm.

“Jon!  Where are you going?”

“I don’t know!” he said, tears pouring down his face.  “I haven’t got anywhere to go!”

“Your wife is a fool!” she said, heatedly.  “She doesn’t know what she’s giving up!”

“She can’t help it!  She’s not well!”

“Doesn’t change things, though, does it?” she said, gently stroking his face.  “She still doesn’t love you!  Why don’t you come home with me – no strings!  Just for some company!  You look as though you could do with a little TLC!”

“Okay” he said, too tired to argue with her.  “lead the way!”

Before he knew it, he was seated in Linda’s neat, one bedroom flat, with a cup of coffee in his hand.  She sat down next to him, and put her hand on his shoulder.  It seemed so long since he had had any affection, and he could not stop himself from responding.  He kissed her slowly and tenderly, as she wrapped her arms around his neck. As things grew more heated, she unbuttoned his shirt, and slipped her hand inside, as her other hand traced small circles up and down his back.  Suddenly, he stopped, and broke away from her.  She looked at him, her dark eyes full of compassion.

“It’s all right!” she said, her hand on his cheek.  “Your heart’s not in it, is it?  This isn’t what you want!”

He did not answer her – he couldn’t.  As she put her arms around his neck, he buried his face in her shoulder, crying his heart out.

“It’s all right!” she said, gently rubbing his back.  “Let it all out!  You’ll feel much better!”

“I won’t!” he said, pulling away from her.  “That woman back there is my heart and soul, she’s my whole world!  I can’t go on without her!  I can’t!”

“Yes, you will!  You’ll find a way, somehow!”

“No, I won’t!  Without her, there’s no point to anything!  If I can’t have her, I’d be better off dead!!”