|
By francoise
|
|
13 January 2007 |
Unfinished, but thought I'd give it a test drive.. its good to get back to this writing malarky... comments appreciated.
Happy 2007! A pause within
each cloud of sleep.
Then, the rising whisper
of a dancing trance.
A drone of fever
flies across these sheets.
Like a fruitfly
Fat and spent within these folds
And curves of cotton skin.
Drawing near now,
you drown out my honeyed lies
woven deep into the fullness of these sheets.
I need you to be still
so that these sweet years
can't end with my sting.
And that we can warm
to the knowledge
that our love
need not
hurt
us.
|
Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 13th January 2007 | I'm getting two conflicting ideas from this. One, that the narrator is about to hurt, even destroy her partner; two, that she wants a comfortable, lasting relationship. I'm notoriously thick when it comes to oblique poetry - so it could be me, or it could be the intended effect.
I thought the way you used sheets to build metaphors was excellent.
Liked it, but unsure of meaning.
Phil. |
Written by francoise (129 comments posted) 13th January 2007 | The two conflicting ideas are precisely what I intended! the drones sole object in life is to mate with the queen bee. Comparing this to the trials and tribulations of a relationship, I tried to explore aspects of dependancy, survival and the need to feel safe even when it's all going downhill.
I have a tendency to be unclear with meaning, must work on that in future.
Thankyou for your comments and kind words
By the way, I'm in the middle of reading and rereading your most recent poem... will give you my thoughts on that soon!
Fran |
Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 13th January 2007 | Hey, so I'm not Mr Thickie after all! I ought to have the courage of my convictions - maybe not though - that way embarrassment awaits.
Phil. |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 14th January 2007 | For me the central concept in this came across as being,
I need you to be still
so that these sweet years
can't end with my sting.
which I thought was good - gave me the idea that relationships can be a precarious balance especially when you dont want to hurt your partner but believe that you are more than capable of it.
I thought the fruitfly spoilt the image somewhat - the switch from bee to fruitfly and back again didn't work for me. I'm also not sure that it begins in the right place...
An interesting and thought-provoking piece though, I got a lot out of it, it'll be interesting to see a finished version. Hope that's helpful
Elli |
Written by francoise (129 comments posted) 14th January 2007 | Thankyou Elli, I understand your point about the fruitfly, but I wanted to be blunt about how a relationship can be reduced to simple needs (like a dumb fruitfly!) i see what you mean about the switch though....
Thanks again
Fran
|
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 16th January 2007 | Great stuff again francoise- another original take on everyday emotional troubles. Your talent for description makes your work a pleasure to read. The only thing I tripped up on was the staggered lines at the end- I find that such endings, though intended to add a certain resonance to the final words, can often scupper the meaning. I think something along the lines of
"And that we can warm to the knowledge
That our love need not hurt us."
would be better. Otherwise, lovely.
|
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
Previous item
