The outside of a retail establishment. There are no windows, just a door, ajar, leading inwards. Emblazoned across the door is a sign reading 'Diving School'.

A car pulls up outside and parks. A man gets out dressed in smart business clothes, shirt and tie. Once out of the car, he flips open a mobile and hits a few buttons. He holds the phone to his ear.

Man "Hello love, it's me. Be a bit late tonight. I'm outside the dive place now. Yes, I'll let you know how I get on in a while. Bye"

He clips the phone shut and shoving it into his shirt pocket proceeds into the building.

The walls of the room are covered in maritime prints. Shipwrecks, oceanic maps and sailing boats cover every square inch.

There is a counter against the far wall and an open door. The man walks to the counter and looks around for staff. After a moment or two, he spots a ship's bell on the wall next to the counter. After some deliberation, he grabs the rope and rings the bell. Loudly. Even he jumps at the volume.

Several seconds later, a scraping, thudding sound is heard coming from beyond the counter doorway. A figure appears dressed completely in an old fashioned diver's outfit complete with lead boots, a brass helmet and an air hose snaking back from where the figure appeared. The figure moves laboriously to the counter.

Diver (muffled) "Hello there! Can I help?"

The man, taken quite aback by this apparition, looks around and then peers over the figure's back. The diver, with great effort, follows his gaze. They both turn to look at one another once more.

Man "Um, I'm thinking of learning to dive and thought I'd pop in and see what it's all about."

The diver opens the face-plate window to be heard.

Diver "I *see*. Done any diving before have you?"

Man "Oh, a bit of snorkelling and stuff. You know..."

Diver "No, I don't mean poncing about with your arse in the air and a straw in your gob. I mean *diving*"

Man "Well, no. I suppose I haven't"

Diver "No try-dives in a nice little swimming pool on holiday in Jamaica?"

Man "No"

Diver "Good. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people who think that 2 metres of warm bathwater is diving"

Man "I see"

Diver "Right, first off, can you swim?"

Man "Oh yes! I do thirty lengths every week"

Diver "I bet your wife's a happy woman"

Man "What?!"

Diver "No offence! Just a little 'divers' joke there..."

Man "Really?"

Diver "Yes. Ahem. Next, can you hold you breath while you're going down?"

(He places one gloved hand onto the crook of his upturned arm, raising his fist in the time honoured 'nookie' sign)

Man (not amused) "Another diver joke?"

Diver "No offence! I was just asking if you can hold your breath under the water, that's all."

Man "Yes I can, thank you"

Diver "Good. Comes in handy from time to time..."

He grabs the side of the helmet and starts swinging his head side to side.

Diver "Air! Air! Must have air! Aaargghh!"

He stops and looks at the man, shoulders bobbing up and down, obviously pleased with his little gag.

Man  (completely ignoring the diver's joke) "OK, so we've established that I can swim and hold my breath"

(At the words ‘hold my breath', the diver again grabs the helmet and does the head thing but without yelling. He stops quickly)

Man "So what else?"

Diver "Are you afraid of deep water?"

Man "How deep?"

Diver "Very, very deep!"

Man "Give it to me in feet..."

Diver "300?"

Man "Pfff!"

Diver (challengingly) "A thousand?"

Man "Nope"

Diver "Ah, you say that now, with your feet firmly on terra firma. But what about when you're alone in the cold darkness with only the luminous hands of your timepiece to light the gloom?"

Man "I'd take a torch"

Diver "Mmmmmm"

Man "So how much does learning to dive cost then?"

Diver "Three hundred quid"

Man "Does that include equipment?"

Diver "Everything you need"

Man "What? Goggles? Flippers? Tanks of oxygen?"

The diver stops bolt upright and falls, pole-axed, backwards out of sight. The man leans over the counter.

Man "You all right?"

Diver (from below)  "I'll be OK in a minute"

With great effort, he hauls himself to his feet.

Man "Did you faint or something?"

Diver (voice still muffled but quivering with anger) "Look matey. Let's get something straight. Pilots wear goggles. Flipper is a fucking dolphin. And *cylinders* have air in them. Got it?"

Man (Shocked at the sudden change) "I think I've changed my mind.....g,g,goodbye"

He leaves.

The diver watches him go and then shuffles through the door behind him.

This room is similar to the first with a definite nautical theme. There are portholes, ship's telegraphs and all sorts of salvage lying about. In the centre of the room is a wooden contraption to which the divers air hose is connected. Two men, stripped to the waist are operating winding handles on the device, supplying the diver with air.

Man 1 "Well?"

Diver "Put him off a treat!"

At that moment, the ship's bell sounds again. The diver shuffles out into the shop.

Standing in front of the counter is another diver dressed identically to the first. His air hose snakes out the entrance door.

Diver "Hello Colin! Good weekend in the Channel?"

Fade.