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Poetry


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Running Away

By gourangagirl

16 January 2007

This is about being forced to move house just after my dad died. I was 11 at the time.

Chassis confined to speed us away

Too fast to take heed or to blink or to stay

Are we finding a replacement, a new place to stay?

Or turning our tails and running away?

Goosepimples on the skin of the leg of this journey

The seats are cold but the ideas burn me

Racing away is the life I have known,

The places I’ve played, the ways that I’ve grown

But now have I lost this? This sense of a place?

Does it shape me and form me, draw lines on my face?

Or am I same but simply removed?

The theory is melting, it waits to be proved.

Reviews

Written by Phil (6836 comments posted) 16th January 2007

Okay, your profile says you're fifteen and just started out writing poetry. Good debut effort I'd say. A good structure to the content and a good rhythm to the piece.

Liked it.

Phil.

Written by Talisker (1328 comments posted) 16th January 2007

I like "the seats are cold but the ideas burn me"

But a lot of the rest is "woolly" i.e. open to wide interpretation and perhaps a little clumsily put (I don't wish to be impertinent, but is English your first language?)

The goose-pimpled leg metaphor is a little too stretched for me.

Not without merit though, keep writing!

Oli

Liked a lot of this...
Written by richard (88 comments posted) 17th January 2007

Well, just to show that if you put two people in a room with a poem you'll get two different opinions, I really liked the "goosepimples on the skin of this leg of the journey" line. Thought it was really clever to get across both that this trip was only part of a bigger journey, and the sense of excitement in the same line.

I'm not a poetry whizz but I thought it had a lot going for it. If there was a problem for me, it was that it fell halfway between telling a story and describing a specific incident - it would maybe have meant more if it had a "beginning, middle and an end" or if it was simply a piece to evoke the feelinig of the incident - it felt like a bit of both.

Hope this helps...

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