Bit of an experiment - criticisms?
Her decline is dignified, silent,
save for the interrupting chatter
of mah-jong tiles.
Round and round.
Each completed pair drawn on sagging skin.
One girl, one boy,
another boy, another girl.
Four grandchildren.
One child surviving
matches
one child deceased.
A lover to serve her
flowers in the spring,
papers in the autumn.
A cup of tea,
too hot for arthritic fingers to grasp.
Delicate china
tumbles,
graceful
somersaults
scattering the pictures of her life.
Hot, fragrant liquid
stains the still-frames
further muddying memory.
|
Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 16th January 2007 |
I'm not that familiar with mah-jong, and that seemed pretty central to the metaphor, so my comments will have to be very limited.
I really like the idea that each tile represents or reminds her of events/people in her life. The last verse works well, but my practical mind keeps shouting at me that mah-jong tiles could be wiped clean and so using the metaphor, her memory would be regenerated. I know that's a silly thing to say, but it's what keeps coming back to me.
Loved the cadence of this.
As ever, I hope my comments make sense to more than just me!
Phil. |
Very promising
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 16th January 2007 |
This has the form of a classic - but as Phil says, the second stanza appears to require an understanding of a game which may be obscure to many.
Your gentle way with words, your understated approach, your exquisite feminine touch - are all here. If you could sharpen it a little, make it a tiny bit more accessible, it would be a clear winner for me.
Overall, brilliant again. A unique talent, a gentle voice. Ahhh (sigh), I mustn't ask again! 
Oli  |
HI Elli
Written by jean.day (2279 comments posted) 17th January 2007 |
I do know how to play the game - and suspect you do too, from the very first sentence about the chattering of the tiles. When you mix them at the beginning of the game that is called "twittering the sparrows" and maj jong itself means sparrow - apparently. I just heard that on a quiz show on tv yesterday.
It's a lovely poem, and knowing the game makes it better, but I think it would be good even if you knew nothing about it.
I suppose Mah jong tiles could be worn smooth, but I think it unlikely - but some of them are blank anyway. |
Written by wattle (117 comments posted) 17th January 2007 |
Elli, there is something quite stunning hidden in these lines. It snaps just like watching Asians play mahjongg – (I really enjoyed putting that spelling there) – and aging seems to happen in distinct quick intervals as well
Anyway; I like, (clever you (yet again)). – regards, wattle. |
Written by Fledermaus (3281 comments posted) 17th January 2007 |
| How even something like dropping a cup of tea can be made into something poetic! I could realy see it tumble down in slow motion... I think it worked, but more because of the typical Elli-style than because of the experiment. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 17th January 2007 |
Jean is right about mah-jongg meaning 'sparrow.' I just looked it up in my handy Japanese-English dictionary, and the kanji for sparrow is right there. Learn something new every day.
There is something refined and gentle about this poem. Even though I could not understand all of it, that didn't really bother me -- part of me did not want to understand it completely.
Lovely, Elli. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3351 comments posted) 17th January 2007 |
I was going to comment on this until I saw people giving correct spellings and translations, i'll just show myself up.
Actually I am in agreement with Witzl when she said part of her didnt want to completely understand it. I've read it and taken something from it and don't want to be told it was wrong
Anyway I did like the images that you created. I'll hold them in my mind for a while
cheers
J |
Thanks
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 17th January 2007 |
I actually didn't know that mah-jong(g!) means sparrow...so I guess I learnt something too love it when that happens...
Glad it made a connection
Cheers
elli |
very pretty
Written by no1butClo (337 comments posted) 8th March 2007 |
not so much a fan of funked-up form but this really, really works in the context, I like it alot. I love the impression you give of the aging, the delicacy of it's process...kinda morbid, but relevant - I've been listening to features on dementia on the radio recently...
maybe endgame is a bit of a harsh title?
only improvement I can think of really...
nice one elli xx |
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