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By no1butClo
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17 January 2007 |
UGH this went wrong, suggestions welcome
unfinished? She started it. They don't know how. It wasn't quite significant til afterwards. She was consumed in the usual way; thought, sobriety left behind in favour of something more alive. No thought, indeed for the husk that would remain one is never trained to pick up the pieces. Dawn, a deceivingly warm daylight by which they reflect upon things - said and done to the tune of a black bird. Omen of things to come, gave them one look and cried 'raw' for the seeds of passion that lurked and the weeds that choked the four letter word. |
Hmmm
Written by ellipinnock (1786 comments posted) 17th January 2007 | For me - second half much stronger than the first. I think the first three stanzas are far too opaque - cryptic at the expense of meaning - that may just be me though, others may get more from this.
From 'dawn' onwards I liked it. There are good bits in the first half I just didnt think it hung together coherently. Hope that makes some kind of sense. Worth sticking with it.
Elli |
Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 17th January 2007 | Notoriously slow that I am with poetry, I didn't think the first half difficult at all. For me, it all fitted together rather well. Just goes to show.
The repetition of blackbird jarred a little for me. I've read comments about line breaks before and thought, what are they on about - but in this I wondered why 'dawn and 'omen' particularly were kept on a different line, verse even, to the rest of their sentences. Not sure if it's a sensible question - it just seemed odd.
Hyphens in last line not needed (for me)
Overall, I liked this one.
Phil.
| Liked it
Written by richard (88 comments posted) 17th January 2007 | Also not a poet by either instinct or tarining so take comments with large pinch of salt -
For me, the fourth stanza was brilliant with the exception of repeating blackbird which didnlt work for me. The "deceivingly warm" is a great phrase and the rhythm and the rhymes in this stanza seem to work best out of the whole poem for me.
If this was my bit of work what I would do is try and take the rhythms and structure of fourth stanza and replicate across the whole poem. I think it would work better then - for me anyway.
Hope this helps.
| Ok...
Written by pandora (15 comments posted) 18th January 2007 | I like this piece and think it is worth saving with a little editing.
First stanza...Without the answer of how, they knew she started it.
No one gave a second about the revelance untill it was too late.
Second stanza...take out thought and
No thought, indeed
for the husk that would remain
one is never trained to
pick up the pieces.
maybe...
No thought indeed,
for one is never trained
to pick up the pieces
of the husk that remains
Just a few suggestions feel free to ignore.  |
Written by Talisker (1331 comments posted) 18th January 2007 | What kind of omen is a blackbird (one word BTW)? A crow is accepted a bad omen, but a blackbird is lovely! A crow may call something like "raw" too.
I must be dim! Echos of another unfulfilling fling? Couched in esoteric baloney! Come on Chloe! You can do better than this!
One imagines that THE four letter word is "LOVE" - Hmmmph - I know naught of such matters! Write to me of LUST! And get on with the weeding.
Oli
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Written by no1butClo (341 comments posted) 18th January 2007 | thanks so much for the input guys, really appreciate here. However, I have a thing or two to point out...
1) the whole blackbird to black bird thing was supposed to be a blackbird then a crow, and as oli said, bad omens. But it didn't quite work did it?
2) thankyou for various compliments, this is the furthest I've got towards something decent for aaaaaages.
3) as for lust/love...
watch this space * *
clo x |
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