feeling better about it, but still that last line
change in latin is deliberate [the years from our lord]
Veins protruded from old hands
as she lit the last candle.
Spotted, shaking palms
were placed together, cradling
a squint of faith;
the by-product of
TEMPUS FUGIT: Domine.
Concealed within this
church-mother's frame, distilled
by thought and time, or both -
the message of a dying hope
a means to cope with what
is dealt, to limit what is felt
for sin, and blessings not her own.
So, here, a sister of many,
wife of One and intercessor
for the countless wretched,
kneels in a stone Gethsemane
and prays for resurrection.
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Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 17th January 2007 |
I think you're right - SOS, for me, doesn't fit with the rest of the piece - too many resonances of beaches, fires and orange clad men in helicopters for me (dont ask me why they're wearing orange, they just are!) Something like missive or petition might be better - possibly a latin-rooted word over an anglo-saxon one given the style of the rest of the piece. 'prayer' didn't work for me if you meant one who prays - maybe something like intercessor? If you meant prayer as a noun then the line may need tweaking a little. Typo in the first line - form = from? I'm not keen on splitting candle over the line break. Of course a lot of this is highly subjective - everyone else may completely disagree with me! Overall I liked the piece - the description in the opening stanza is very good and the last stanza is also very good imo. Seems like lots of picky criticisms - I did enjoy the piece honest! Elli
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Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 17th January 2007 |
Afraid I'm going to repeat some of Elli's points. Splitting candles didn't do anything but make me wrinkle my nose up in confusion. The word 'prayer' is an odd one and jars, but it fits the rhythm of the verse perfectly. Difficult one to change. For me, of Elli's suggestions, intercessor fits best. SOS doesn't work. The word that immediately sprang to mind was 'plea,' but that may not fit exactly with wha you want it to mean. Having said all tha, I really thought this a very good piece. It's one of those I connected to straight away. I could picture and feel it. Phil.
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Written by pandora (15 comments posted) 18th January 2007 |
Ditto to the above comments except I liked " a squint of faith" "So here a sister of many, wife of One and prayer for the countless wretched kneels and sends her final SOS" maybe (IMO) So here a sister to many, a husband to one, a mother to three, kneels one last time and says her final prayer. I liked the theme and enjoyed reading this, just needs a tweak or two. Of course so does my work. |
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