Lazy Writers theme - halfway house
Splinters dig into my thighs as we lie
corpse-posed, side by side on the shed floor
in the taut aftermath of conflict
watching spiders scuttle
and spin their way across the roof beams.
You chew and chew,
blowing bubble after bubble, stretching
each creation a little larger
until critical mass is reached.
Silence reaches breaking point
and you offer me a gift
of distended compromise,
sheer surface tinted with dye
and silky with your saliva.
I accept it with grateful hands,
let it collapse slowly, releasing
pressure as I tighten the threads
that bind you to me
twisting them
into cords that bind me to you.
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Liked the title
Written by pandora (15 comments posted) 18th January 2007 |
I enjoyed reading this.
Just a suggestion:
"and spin their way across the roof beams."
take out ("and") ("the")--spinning their way across roof beams
Otherwise a good read and write.
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Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 18th January 2007 |
Lovely Elli. One of those that I connected with straight away. Read it throught three times and will come back later. Much of this is like a lovingly filmed cinema set piece that focuses on different aspects and then widens out for the broader view at the end.
Has resonance, at last for me.
Fab.
Phil |
Written by wattle (117 comments posted) 18th January 2007 |
| What a beautiful snapshot - I'm starting to wonder where this farm girl growup. - Thank you Elli. |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 18th January 2007 |
At least for me.
Sorry. |
Hi Elli
Written by jean.day (2283 comments posted) 19th January 2007 |
I like this, but are the things side by side on the floor both flies? And you talk about the spiders, but then it seems just one spider that is involved later on. Or maybe your fly was next to a spider, and they were watching other spiders.
Not that it matters. It is a lovely piece of work. |
Written by Fledermaus (3304 comments posted) 19th January 2007 |
| Nice poem. I especially liked the detailed description of the chewing gum bubble. It's nice how you can make everyday things into something poetic. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 19th January 2007 |
Although I liked this too, my take on it was so different that I am beginning to wonder about myself. I picture a couple who have had a spat and are now lying on the floor of a shed. There they are, lying on their backs, and one of them is chewing bubble gum and blowing bubbles. And they have finally reached a compromise of sorts, which, for this couple, is a major breakthrough. (Well, I've been on that floor myself a few times, so perhaps I am projecting.)
I am now thoroughly intrigued: what did you have in mind when you wrote this, Elli? |
hello
Written by tabarejos (21 comments posted) 19th January 2007 |
geesh, i liked it, liked it too much i have an urge to copy it. hahaha.
guess i liked it because for me it sounded pretty sensual, and raw and perfectly natural, like i breathed it and i existed, no questions.
and the last stanza, i have to admit, made me feel warm. like the kind of electric warmth you get when your whole family sees you butt-naked.
this caught me. loved it. |
Written by coosh (868 comments posted) 20th January 2007 |
| I think I'm somewhere halfway between Jean and Witzl after several reads - the sensory touches are the real highlight, from the sharpness of splinters, to the smoothness of bubble gum, silkiness of saliva and then the strength of the threads turning into cords. Perhaps you shouldn't explain the details, the ambiguity you've engendered in the reviews means it works better with the questions unanswered. |
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