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Night (Ruther)
By tabarejos
19 January 2007
In this I am in my darkest and most sensual. I shout this out to the only one i ever loved, and left.

Night

i spent with you
in exchange for a lifetime
the only choice i didn't know i took
i cannot upon that horizon look
the rise of the impending sun might
forever eat away the night

memory hides your face
but i know i can love
something i don't know
and what i cannot from the past reclaim
within the world i search again
for what in a night i found
a night i remember most
a night forever lost

let night escape again
and show you in the silent dark
and i'm ensnared in dirty claws
and all other lovely flaws
i want to wait for you
phantom gone abrupt
i'd die with you but
my time was up
everything i fear,
they're all here

for the sun is in sight
forever eats away the night.

Reviews

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 19th January 2007
Liked the last two lines of this - they roll off the tongue. Got a few niggles - I didn't think the rhyming worked - it was too intermittent and a bit forced in places. And unless you've got a particularly strong reason for not doing so I would tend to capitalise 'I'. 
 
It was quite lyricy in places. I think at times you lost the meaning trying to force the rhyming scheme which detracted from the good bits in this - I quite liked the dirty claws image. 
 
Elli
hi
Written by tabarejos (21 comments posted) 20th January 2007
as for the i's, haha, i never really thought of capitalizing, didn't feel like pressing shift each time i typed it. 
 
yeah, youre right, i forced rhyming and it lost substance, but thats from a reader's point of view. i had a particular person in mind as i wrote this, and that time i didnt really write for readers but for me alone. but i guess, now that the love waned, i see my rhymes took a turn toward corny. 
 
as for intermittent rhyming, it's a style i learned from some amateur writer and i used it to break monotony in rhyming and to catch attention, like a pebble along a smooth surface. 
 
and lastly, when i edited this, i tried to make it into something readable by non-writers, something people who cannot relate at least appreciate, but i guess it didnt work as well, hehe, like the way gwen stefani turned into a popstar.
and
Written by tabarejos (21 comments posted) 20th January 2007
and yeah, thanks for the review, i log in from time to time just to see if i got reviewed, i hope to get more.. 
 
thanks

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 20th January 2007
The intermittent rhyming can work well - hard to pull off though - not quite sure you managed it here but I'm all for trying new things in your writing. 
 
One tip - the more time you spend reviewing other peoples work the more likely they are to review you so maybe go and look at some of the other stuff on site. 
 
Elli
yeah
Written by tabarejos (21 comments posted) 20th January 2007
that is actuall what i am doing to get more reviwes, that's just fair. i just pick the ones to review though, because if i dont have anything good at all to say about something, i keep it to myself haha, otherwise, i go ahead and review.. 
 

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