[Int. In the bowels of the Shangri-La Life Science Health Spa, a slightly insane-looking (Michelle Gomez-like) lady in a fur coat (Dr. Crow) enters an office where a bespectacled man in a white coat, with one leg, one arm and a crutch (Dr. Schwein) is leaning against a desk]
SCHWEIN: [INDIGNANT] Bloody animal rights activists! Tree-hugging bastards’ll be the death o’ me.
CROW: [UNPHASED] At least you only lost an arm this time, Sir. Another leg and you’d be out on your arse. How they get semtex in your Thermos? Your daughter still going through an “awkward” phase?
SCHWEIN: You can’t blame everything on puberty, Dr. Crow. I keep telling her, “you won’t find a happier bunch of guinea pigs in a vivisection chamber anywhere in the world.” Some of the animals in our laboratories don’t even know they’re born – and what thanks do I get? Obscene phone calls, free samples of anthrax shampoo…
CROW: And slanderous graffiti down the front of your house.
SCHWEIN: [DESPAIRING] Precisely. I mean, do I look like an overweight paedophile to you?
CROW: [TRYING TO BE HELPFUL] I’d say you’re about the right size for your height, Sir. And you wouldn’t catch Jonathan King grooming a teenager in those bifocals.
SCHWEIN: We’re offering Club 18-30 euthanasia facilities, here – must be the only place left in Britain where rats are allowed to smoke without being criticised by middle-class do-gooders. Bloody things are healthier than I am.
CROW: We’ve given all the gerbils synthetic fur, and sprayed the gay chameleon pink, so it stops sending out mixed messages to the bisexual gecko.
SCHWEIN: [CONTENTED] There’s nothing more satisfying than outing a limp-wristed lizard. Little bugger must be rimming with confidence.
CROW: Helps out on the cabaret. With the chimpanzee ventriloquist and the Johnny Morris dummy.
SCHWEIN: No more complaints about political correctness then?
CROW: Not since Hitler was circumcised.
SCHWEIN: [CONFUSED] Pardon?
CROW: [MATTER-OF-FACT] Neurotic Jewish elephant, Sir. Barmitzvah on Monday. Once the council have found the right coloured wheelie-bin for the foreskin.
SCHWEIN: [holding up a brochure] And this?
CROW: Ah, the newly-opened Heather Mills Canine Plastic Surgery Centre. You should see how well a St. Bernard scrubs up with synthetic hair and false eyelashes.
SCHWEIN: Amazing what a shot of botox can do for a cocker spaniel.
CROW: Can’t get enough of it. Boob job and a tummy tuck, never stops looking at herself in the mirror. After she’s sniffed the coke off it. They’re lining up to have a go on her. [handing him a photo] Take a look.
SCHWEIN: [looking at photo] Mmm. [sits down] I quite fancy a go on her myself. Do you think she could squeeze me in?
CROW: With a touch of Royal Jelly. Staff discount?
SCHWEIN: Friends and family?
CROW: Certainly. Given me quite an appetite. How about lunch?
SCHWEIN: [lifting up a small cardboard box in one hand] You ever tried mustard on a chinchilla? With a squirrel smoothie?
CROW: [raising a bottle of wine] Or a nice Chianti. [Hannibal Lecter tongue-hissing gesture]
SCHWEIN: [SUDDEN EXAGGERATED PASSION] Take me, Clarice. Let us abandon the exquisite pleasures of animal mutilation, and wander off into the sunset, hand in hand, like Hare and Burke on a backpacking holiday. You ever fancied opening a little bistro in Provence?
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Written by Phil (6393 comments posted) 20th January 2007 | Bizarrely wonderful. (What have you been taking?)
Loved: 'Little bugger must be rimming with confidence.'
I don't think you missed any sexual groupings out here, so at least the PC lot can't complain.
Thoroughly enjoyed.
Phil. |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 20th January 2007 | With Phil on this - truly unhinged but funny with it. Thought the beginning was very good. From my usual ugnorant standpoint I liked it very much
Elli  |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3139 comments posted) 21st January 2007 | Well done sweetie you managed to keep going without once touching base with sanity. No-one could accuse you of choosing easy subjects for humour. Vivisection as a subject for humour isn't one that springs to mind, but good on you for trying, it's what humour is all about.
Now it's out in the open perhaps a sit-com beckons with victoria Wood and Jack Dee as two psychotic but essentially lovable vivisectionists and Jane Horrocks as the ditzy secretary who has to handle the letter bombs.
Priceless stuff here, funny and edgey. I do admire you thougth I'm not sure I want to share a lift with you
Great work
J |
Written by coosh (822 comments posted) 21st January 2007 | | Cheers, Phil. It was an attempt to breathe a bit of life into one of the sketches in my "Probably Dead in the Water" folder - without using any bad language, just, as you say, to keep the PC lot happy. |
Written by coosh (822 comments posted) 21st January 2007 | | Thank you, Elli - interesting you noted the beginning, given that that took up about 90% of the work - should probably have done more on the rest. I don't think you have a usual "ugnorant" standpoint - although I'm not sure whether that's a misspelling, a term in clinical microbiology or young people's street language in the ghettoes of Coventry. |
Written by coosh (822 comments posted) 21st January 2007 | Are they all on board, BBS? Meeting on Friday down the Spearmint & Rhino. Actually, that sounds quite entertaining, the way you've pitched it - at least it'd be a cut above that toe-curling bollocks Nicholas Lyndhurst is doing at the moment. Many thanks for your comments.
Will e-mail you my "Lift Schedule" for the next six months, in the interests of health and safety.
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Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 22nd January 2007 | | I laughed my way through this, but when I got to the wheelie bin for the elephant's foreskin, I'm afraid that I frightened my children. What a weird sense of humor, and what a skill. This is just packed with treats. I can guarantee you that I'll be back again and again to this one. |
Written by coosh (822 comments posted) 22nd January 2007 | Exactly how old are your children, Witzl?! Mine were at least five before I introduced them to mammalian genitalia, and wheelie-bins. I feel I have confused yours enough with the Hanger Lane Gyratory System, and would not wish to be responsible for any further educational nightmares.
Many thanks for your complimentary review.
- oh, incidentally, the stock council response is: "tekk it t'the dump, mate, where we'll charge you a small fortune for doing what you already pay your council tax for." |
Written by Fledermaus (3159 comments posted) 22nd January 2007 | | You picked almost anything and in so wonderfully few lines. It seems to me as if this sort of humour is a monopoly of the British: Bizarre, surrealistic, cruel, a bit morbid and incredibly politically incorrect. A mad scientist called Schwein fits in perfectly. |
Written by coosh (822 comments posted) 24th January 2007 | | Not sure, Fledermaus - there's some fairly bizarre, surrealistic stuff out there - do the Japanese still do that "Endurance" gameshow? - I wonder sometimes whether the "monopoly" of the English language in terms of lit, films, etc. ignores other equally well-written pieces in other languages - it'd be nice one year to have every Oscar-winning film from a non-US/UK source. There must be a few madcap Dutch comedians about - I remember seeing an English comedian in Amsterdam do half an hour on some insane story about zakje in the Albert Heijn - well, the Amsterdammers laughed, anyway. Many thanks for the response. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 24th January 2007 | For television weirdness, you absolutely cannot top the Japanese. Za Gaman, as I recall, was a fairly moderate example. Sadly, much of the humor is lost in translation, with so many cultural factors that need to be understood to appreciate it.
I remember seeing the movie 'Love at First Bite' in Manhattan. When the main character, a psychiatrist, pulled out his Star-of-David 'Criucifix' to repel Dracula, the crowd went hysterical. Eight months later I saw this movie in Tokyo and the same scene drew a complete blank: no one got it. But I think your idea of non U.S./U.K. humor is a good one and would give translators some real challenges. And work. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 24th January 2007 | For television weirdness, you absolutely cannot top the Japanese. Za Gaman, as I recall, was a fairly moderate example. Sadly, much of the humor is lost in translation, with so many cultural factors that need to be understood to appreciate it.
I remember seeing the movie 'Love at First Bite' in Manhattan. When the main character, a psychiatrist, pulled out his Star-of-David 'Criucifix' to repel Dracula, the crowd went hysterical. Eight months later I saw this movie in Tokyo and the same scene drew a complete blank: no one got it. But I think your idea of non U.S./U.K. humor is a good one and would give translators some real challenges. And work. | Hi Coosh
Written by jean.day (2196 comments posted) 28th January 2007 | | I too thoroughly enjoyed this. Coming on the end of so many reviews there isn't really much more to say, but that it was great fun reading it. |
Written by coosh (822 comments posted) 1st February 2007 | | Well, it's nice to hear your enthusiasm, Jean - but having just re-read it for the first time since posting, I ain't that convinced - it's starting to look a trifle lame, if not shyte, to me, now - some you win, and others you head back to the drawing board... |
Written by Seagull (174 comments posted) 25th July 2007 | I know it's bloody late but all I can say is: it's bloody funny!
Chris |
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