This is the my first short stoy that i'm posting. All i can say is hope you enjoy it and i look forward to your comments.
Many Thanks Wedding Cake & Secrets
It’s a hot sunny afternoon on a Sunday in July, we’re laying in the warm grass looking up at the beautiful clear blue sky, its so peaceful in the park today. In the distance all that can be heard is the cheers from the spectators of a cricket game being played on the far side of the park.
“This time next week Caris you’ll be Mrs Bowell, I can hardly believe it!” “I know it amazing and in 6 months this little one will be out” Caris affectionately rubs her pregnant tummy.
“Looks like this will be the last time we get to relax together like this for a long time”
“oh Lucy I’ll miss being able to just walk around the corner to your house anytime I like, have you bought any of the text books you’ll need for your courses yet?”
“No not yet but I’ve got plenty of time, I’m not moving to Bristol until the end of September”.
Things have changed so rapidly in the past 2 months, we got our A-level results and got accepted to the Universities of our choices, but 3 days before the results came out my best friend Caris found out she was pregnant. She’d been seeing Jonathan Browell for 4 months, they were getting on great, but once Caris’s parents found out about the baby they put huge pressure on Jon and Caris to get married, her parents are very strict and like everything done properly.
It is the 21st century after all and there isn’t any shame in having a child out of wedlock anymore, never the less Jon agreed to go along with their wishes for Caris, he’s very level headed.
Only a month ago Caris came over and asked me to make her a wedding cake, I was gob smacked but at the same time flattered, Caris knows that I love to make special occasion cakes. I’m off to university soon to study to be a nutritionist, food and cooking are my passion so it’s a real honour to be able to make Caris’s wedding cake.
Caris looks over at me as we bathe in the warm sun, her face suddenly appeared pale and serious “luc, I have to tell you something awful” I sat up and looked at Caris in alarm “What is it?”.
After a long pause she cast her blue eyes downward and slowly says “me getting pregnant wasn’t entirely an accident” I stare at her in shock “what are you saying Caris, you mean, you wanted to get knocked up?!”
Caris looked up at the sky avoiding my gaze with a woeful look in her eyes “If I’m honest Luc, yes I did, you see I forgot to take my birth control pill a few times, then I decided to stop taking it altogether, I didn’t tell Jon and we hadn’t been using condoms at all, which is stupid I know” I’m completely shocked by this revelation, coming from Caris this is unthinkable, she is one of the most intelligent people I know, an A star student with a very bright future ahead of her. Before this pregnancy stuff she had always planned to become a neurologist.
“I Know that things are tough for you at home but you were just months away from going off to Uni, why ruin the plans that you’ve had and talked about for so many years?” Caris shakes her head “I just though this would be a better and more permanent way of getting out of that house and away from my parents for good”.
We just sit there in silence, the sun has grown hotter and fiercely beats down on our heads. Finally I stand up “We’d better get back to work on these Wedding preparations” I offer my hand to Caris to help her up. She looks up at me, bewildered “ Do you think I’m a horrible Bitch for getting myself and Jon into this situation ?” I look down at my friend, who I’ve known for the majority of my life, I’m angry with her for throwing away all the hard work she’s put in so far not to mention the place she had secured at a top university but at the same time she’s like family to me so I can’t turn my back on her when she needs me the most.
“I don’t fully understand why you’ve chosen to do things this way but you’re more then just a friend to me, so I respect you decision”.
Caris grabs my hand and I pull her up from the grass, she throws her arms around me in a hug “Thank you Luc, can this be our secret?”
“ Of course, I won’t tell anyone” I smile at my friend warmly “Come on then lets go, I’ve got some sugar flowers to make!”.
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Written by Fledermaus (3489 comments posted) 22nd January 2007 | The plot is OK, as is the dialogue, but the parts outside the dialogue could do with more showing and less telling.
It seems to me as if you had this great idea in mind but got carried away a little. It raises many questions which are left unanswered. Questions to which, I'm sure, you as the writer, know the answer. For instance: Why did she want to get away from her parents? Did Jon know that it wasn't accident? Is she using Jon or does she realy love him? And so on. As a reader I would expect either to find the answers in the story, or to be left puzzled for a very good reason.
It's a good story, but it seems as if it's written in a hurry. Perhaps it could be the start of a bigger story? | proof read and review
Written by starpanda (2 comments posted) 22nd January 2007 | Hi Bunnygirl!
I have done some proofreading for you, I hope you don't mind, there are a few spelling and grammatical errors that I have hightlight below.
This is a very good first story and you deal with a very topical subject in a sensitive manner.
Here are some tricks of the trade to help you along with this story.
Starting any story with the weather is always a bit of cliché, (only George Orwell and people of his stature can get away with it! LOL), so I would make it your second sentence.
I would also avoid using numerics, such as '6' and spell them out instead, i.e. 'six'. It’s not wrong to use numerics, it just looks better as a word and therefore more professional.
You are telling the reader quite a lot, when you should be ‘showing’ them with action. By this I mean, half the fun we have as a reader is figuring things out for ourselves, so to be told everything can make a story feel quite bland.
For example,
Quote:
She’d been seeing Jonathan Browell for 4 months, they were getting on great, but once Caris’s parents found out about the baby they put huge pressure on Jon and Caris to get married, her parents are very strict and like everything done properly.
This could be done quite nicely with dialogue, which is 'action', as the reader sees and hears your characters speaking, where as the narrator you telling the reader this, which can be, if over used, information overload
For example, and this is only a suggestion, I would not dream of suggesting that you use this...
"I'm your best friend Caris...I want only the best for you, you know that..." Caris looked at me, from under the shade of her hand, I took a deep breath and said what was on my mind. "...you haven't known Jon long. Are you sure you are doing the right thing? It's the twenty-first century you know. People do have babies without having to get married, despite what you're Dad thinks."
Hopfully from my example you can see that you get the same information across, but becasue its action, readers make assumptions from what is inferred and that's what makes reading fun!
Regards Starpanda
Quote:
It’s a hot sunny afternoon on a Sunday in July, we’re laying in the warm grass looking up at the beautiful clear blue sky, its [spelling: it’s] so peaceful in the park today. In the distance all that can be heard is the cheers from the spectators of a cricket game being played on the far side of the park.
“This time next week Caris you’ll be Mrs Bowell, I can hardly believe it!”
“I know it amazing and in 6 months this little one will be out” Caris affectionately rubs her pregnant tummy.
“Looks like this will be the last time we get to relax together like this for a long time”
“oh Lucy I’ll miss being able to just walk around the corner to your house anytime I like, have you bought any of the text books you’ll need for your courses yet?”
“No not yet but I’ve got plenty of time, I’m not moving to Bristol until the end of September”.
Things have changed so rapidly in the past 2 months, we got our A-level results and got accepted to the Universities of our choices, but 3 days before the results came out my best friend Caris found out she was pregnant. She’d been seeing Jonathan Browell for 4 months, they were getting on great, but once Caris’s parents found out about the baby they put huge pressure on Jon and Caris to get married, her parents are very strict and like everything done properly.
It is the 21st century after all and there isn’t any shame in having a child out of wedlock anymore, never the less Jon agreed to go along with their wishes for Caris, he’s very level headed.
Only a month ago Caris came over and asked me to make her a wedding cake, I was gob smacked [grammar: insert comma] but at the same time flattered, Caris knows that I love to make special occasion cakes. I’m off to university soon to study to be a nutritionist, food and cooking are my passion [grammar: insert comma]so it’s a real honour to be able to make Caris’s wedding cake.
Caris looks over at me as we bathe in the warm sun, her face suddenly appeared pale and serious “luc, [grammar: capitalise] I have to tell you something awful” I sat up and looked at Caris in alarm [grammar: insert new paragraph] “What is it?”.
After a long pause she cast her blue eyes downward and slowly says “me [grammar: capitalise] getting pregnant wasn’t entirely an accident” I stare at her in shock “what [grammar: capitalise] are you saying Caris, you mean, you wanted to get knocked up?!”
Caris looked up at the sky avoiding my gaze with a woeful look in her eyes “If I’m honest Luc, yes I did, you see I forgot to take my birth control pill a few times, then I decided to stop taking it altogether, I didn’t tell Jon and we hadn’t been using condoms at all, which is stupid I know” I’m completely shocked by this revelation, coming from Caris this is unthinkable, she is one of the most intelligent people I know, an A star student with a very bright future ahead of her. Before this pregnancy stuff she had always planned to become a neurologist.
“I Know that things are tough for you at home [grammar: insert comma] but you were just months away from going off to Uni[insert apostrophy] , [grammer: insert full stop and capitalise next sentence]why ruin the plans that you’ve had and talked about for so many years?” Caris shakes her head [grammar: insert full stop then insert new paragraph] “I just though this would be a better and more permanent way of getting out of that house and away from my parents for good”.
We just sit there in silence, the sun has grown hotter and fiercely beats down on our heads. Finally I stand up “We’d better get back to work on these Wedding preparations” I offer my hand to Caris to help her up. She looks up at me, bewildered [grammar: insert full stop and capitalise next sentence] “ Do you think I’m a horrible Bitch for getting myself and Jon into this situation ?” I look down at my friend, who I’ve known for the majority of my life, I’m angry with her for throwing away all the hard work she’s put in so far not to mention the place she had secured at a top university [grammar: insert comma] but at the same time she’s like family to me so I can’t turn my back on her when she needs me the most.
“I don’t fully understand why you’ve chosen to do things this way but you’re more then just a friend to me, so I respect you decision”.
Caris grabs my hand and I pull her up from the grass, she throws her arms around me in a hug “Thank you Luc, can this be our secret?”
“ Of course, I won’t tell anyone” I smile at my friend warmly “Come on then lets go, I’ve got some sugar flowers to make!”.
 |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3567 comments posted) 22nd January 2007 | I'm guessing this is the beginning of a story and not the whole story, as Fledermaus there are too many questions left hanging and consequently no real resolution. You set up the scene for possible conflict but apart from Lucy's initial shock there wasn't any conflict and conflict is what fuels drama so there was no strong narrative flow and consequently no conflict resolution. I'm not saying it should be like a soap with constant shouting but Lucy's character needs to show itself more strongly as F said "show don't tell".
It's a sound tale with the smack of reality but needs more work
cheers
J |
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