I wrote this as an essay in form 3, it was the pre-lim for my IGCSE exam. Tell me what you think, advice, comments and criticism are welcome!
The TyrantAll was quiet in the park until the wind, like a gasping messenger, announced The Tyrant’s coming. Then did the branches talk in agony. All around him moans could be heard, groaning like an orchestra of the undead. It was painful to listen to, yet it was hypnotising. The rhythms of howling ate into his mind, and he was left stunned, unable to withstand the oncoming terror. This was the end.
Joshua looked around. The park seemed cut off from the rest of the world; it was as if a giant curtain had been pulled over the park, and he could not see further than the park boundary. Everything was changing around him, shifting, twisting, like some scene out of the Blair Witch Project. Joshua began to run, not knowing where or why. He just ran.
It had all started with the kid. On his way to the park, Joshua had bumped into a blonde haired boy, about the age of fifteen. There was nothing peculiar about him at first, but looking closer, Joshua noticed his eyes.
It was the colour that caught his eye. At first they were an intensely dark blue, with hints of purple at the corners, then they began to change. The blue became increasingly lighter in colour, and Joshua could see clouds, almost like mist, appearing. They swirled, and almost every colour of the rainbow showed in the boy’s eyes. Joushua, feeling freaked out, pushed the boy, hard, away.
“Get away from me!”, he yelled, as the kid landed with a thud on the tarmac.
Joshua started running, to get away from the kid.
“That was weird” he thought. He picked up his pace, and looking up, he noticed that clouds were gathering.
“I’d better get there before it starts raining, or I’m just wasting my time.” He told himself. He broke into a sprint, and within minutes he reached the park.
He looked up at the sky again, and ran head-on into a tree. Everything was quiet. That’s when the voices came.
He was running to the far end of the park when he noticed a figure directly ahead on the park. It was the kid. How had he gotten there before Joshua? Why was he haunting him? Joshua made up his mind. He was going to find out what the hell it was that this kid wanted, and then, he was going to beat him senseless.
Enveloped by a sudden rage, Joshua rushed to meet The Tyrant. The wind was howling fiercely around them now, and the noise level had just been upped a couple of notches. The only word that could truly describe the situation, in Joshua’s mind, was chaos. The kid lifted up his left hand, and whispered a word.
“Thorenakis.” Everything froze, as if time itself stood still.
Not knowing what to do, Joshua stopped.
“Why?” he pleaded. “Why won’t you just leave me alone?”
“I am The Tyrant.” The kid answered. “And my purpose, is to kill.”
Joshua looked into his eyes, and saw that he spoke the truth. This was the end. The Tyrant raised his right hand, and Joshua felt his life force dwindling. His lungs collapsed, and Joshua fell to the floor, a lifeless heap.
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critique by starpanda Written by starpanda (2 comments posted) 22nd January 2007 |
Hi there! This is a good piece with dramatic tone and definitely sets the stage for the action to come. It had a good pace and a style I like. You have some very good and solid poetic descriptions, for example, Quote:
like a gasping messenger, announced The Tyrant’s coming. Then did the branches talk in agony. All around him moans could be heard, groaning like an orchestra of the undead. Some may say its a bit flowery, especially around the '...Then did the braches talk' but I personally like the archaic tone...it makes The Tyrant feel ancient, if you see what I mean. I also like the questions you set, Quote:
How had he gotten there before Joshua? Why was he haunting him? This is a subjective issue, to question, or not to question. Again on a personal note I like this as it puts emphasis the starngeness of it by setting the question in the reader's head. There are a couple of gripes I have...as follows: Quote:
This was the end. This seems a little like overkill. You already have the dramatic stuff in, so this feels a little superfluous. Quote:
Joushua, feeling freaked out, pushed the boy, hard, away. spelling: Joshua Quote:
Joshua began to run, not knowing where or why. He just ran. It had all started with the kid. On his way to the park, Joshua had bumped into a blonde haired boy, about the age of fifteen. There is a time shift here, with a flashback, again this is subjective, but it is usual to seperate this by the use of some sort of division (my own favourite is to put extra line spaces in) in order to prepare the reader for the shift. in this case you might have got away with it, because you actually state 'it all started', which is the preparation of the reader...but I just thought I would point it out Quote:
“That was weird” he thought. Two things with this, and you can shoot me down if you like. He's terrified, yet he's thinking about the weather? hmmm? It might be better just to say, that above him the clouds began to gather and this terrified him further. The other thing is just a style point, it is usual to put character thoughts in either italics, or use single 'expressions'. One last thing, I promise...well two tiny things... Quote:
He looked up at the sky again, and ran head-on into a tree. Everything was quiet. That’s when the voices came. He was running to the far end of the park when he noticed a figure directly ahead on the park. It was the kid. How had he gotten there before Joshua? Why was he haunting him? Joshua made up his mind. In this excerpt at the end of the first paragraph you say that 'Everything went quiet. That's when the voices came' this is at the point when the flashback ends and the reader is back in the present. I am assuming the 'voices are actually the wind in the trees, as in the first paragraph of the story, but because you don't use any terms from that paragraph and use a new tern 'voices', it doesn't read clearly. The reader is thinking what voices? From who? What are they saying?, rather than thinking 'Ah wind in tress...' and getting on with the restof the tale. Do you see what I mean. This is definitely, absolutely the last gripe...regarding the questions you set in this excerpt. in the first question you name him, in the second question, you use the 'him'. I would use the word 'him' in both questions. the reader knows what you mean. naming him makes the question feel awkward. I hope this wasn't too harsh...on the whole, this is a great start. Well done you! I would love to read more  |
Written by balthazar (6 comments posted) 22nd January 2007 |
Awesome, thanks for the comments! How would I portray "This was the end." in that part, or should I just leave it out? Quote:
In this excerpt at the end of the first paragraph you say that 'Everything went quiet. That's when the voices came' this is at the point when the flashback ends and the reader is back in the present. I am assuming the 'voices are actually the wind in the trees, as in the first paragraph of the story, but because you don't use any terms from that paragraph and use a new tern 'voices', it doesn't read clearly. The reader is thinking what voices? From who? What are they saying?, rather than thinking 'Ah wind in tress...' and getting on with the restof the tale. Do you see what I mean.
I think here (I wrote this little piece about 4 or 5 years ago, I can't quite remember my thinking here) I meant the voices as in the groaning orchestra of the undead, but reading it again I see your point. Quote:
This is definitely, absolutely the last gripe...regarding the questions you set in this excerpt. in the first question you name him, in the second question, you use the 'him'. I would use the word 'him' in both questions. the reader knows what you mean. naming him makes the question feel awkward.
I agree here as well, reading it again it does seem a bit much. At the time, I was worried about who the reader would assume was 'him', as a few days before I had a comment from another friend on a similar piece of writing (they didn't know who I was referring to when I said 'him'). Well, thanks that was great! I'll take those points into consideration on my next story |
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