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Poetry
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sleep
By no1butClo
24 January 2007
erm...meh?


...zzz...

Lie awake, hear the Creaking
slip between the duvet and
your consciousness, to wake
up with a bump, shrieking
 - vertigo held your stomach
   caught you by surprise before.

Hear the murmurs through
the wall, feel the tangerine-
light fall, or push or march
across your face - exposing
   features of vagrants and street-

   kids that should be left alone.

Tug your thought-train down,
feel coherence slip once more,
from pillow-talk, drowsy rememberings
   let each spark now fade til morning
   let your body clock tick slowly
                                         round

Reviews
zzzzzzz....
Written by Talisker (1331 comments posted) 24th January 2007
I like this Chloe, it has a real feel of drowsiness about it - perhaps you wrote it whils semi-conscious to lend it authenticity? 
 
I like the "tangerine light" the "street kids...who should be left alone" 
 
You have a unique voice, a gift remarkable for one so young. This is not a classic for me, but shows enough depth and maturity in your writing to promise great things to come. 
 
Oli 
 

Written by JourneyAtNight (318 comments posted) 24th January 2007
Yep, like this very much. I like how the overall structure is quite "messy" and scattered - it adds to that feel of drowsiness that Oli mentioned. I loved the last stanza - thought it was especially effective. Fab stuff! 
 
Best wishes 
 
E

Written by ellipinnock (1786 comments posted) 24th January 2007
Yep I like this as well - again thought 'tangerine-light' was really good. Why does creaking get a capital? 
 
Onlt quibbles I have is that the first stanza feels awkward to read aloud to me. Contents and words themselves fine but I might be tempted to tweak it a little. Otherwise enjoyed it. 
 
Elli

Written by Fledermaus (3489 comments posted) 24th January 2007
Nice poem and nice observations. The irony of falling asleep is that it's impossible to consciously experience the very moment at which you fall asleep.

Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 25th January 2007
Yep, yep, yep - liked this too. Again, again -tangerine light - lovely. 
 
As mentioned, a real sleepy feeling to this. 
 
Phil.

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