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By Talisker
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24 January 2007 |
You drizzle on me.
Gently, softly soaking me,
almost without me noticing.
And yet, suddenly,
I find myself sodden with you.
You shine on me.
In my sleep, your smile warms,
unseen, undeserved, unreturned.
And yet, when I awake,
I find myself recharged with love.
You breathe on me.
The gentle wind, reassuring,
playing on my arm, my neck, my heart.
And somehow your breeze of life,
fills the sails of my soul.
Oli 24/01/07
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ooh...
Written by no1butClo (345 comments posted) 24th January 2007 | pretty =)
nice to see some free verse for a change! Love the idea, works fantastically, but I have one tiny niggle: cut the first "of life" in the third stanza? Sounds a little clumsy atm, unless the repetition was what you were going for...meh, anyway
i like it =)
clo | Hi Clo
Written by Talisker (1367 comments posted) 24th January 2007 | You are quite correct, I have taken it out and it is better for it.
I am often guilty of silly repetition - thanks for pointing this one out to me.
Great to have a quality versetress to give intelligent and succinct critique. Thanks.
Oli  |
Written by ellipinnock (1816 comments posted) 24th January 2007 | Like this one Oli - first stanza in particular - a fine image. I wonder whether you couldn't drop 'gently' - but that's a pretty subjective point.
Elli |
Written by Fledermaus (4146 comments posted) 24th January 2007 | Somehow it seems your poems often can be interpreted in different ways. That's their strength, but also a reason to read them carefully.
I liked it. And considering the positive ring it has, you're certainly blessed to live in Scotland where she is never boring. |
Written by JourneyAtNight (344 comments posted) 24th January 2007 | Very nice and with lovely images - the last two lines are beautiful.
Cheers
E |
Written by Phil (8698 comments posted) 25th January 2007 | Lovely - lucky chap too. Particularly liked verse one.
All the best, Phil. | fantasic
Written by maipenrai (1005 comments posted) 25th January 2007 | | what a fantastic first line of a fantastic piece of work. |
Written by francoise (132 comments posted) 27th January 2007 | Beautiful piece. Keep coming back to this one and each time i do I enjoy it even more.
All the best, Fran |
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