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Written by fellpony (1717 comments posted) 25th January 2007 |
like the idea, but I am confused by the last line: whether you mean the SKY sneers or the branches do. Will it reconstruct, do you think?
nit picky spelling police remark ... in your author intro, "bare" should be spelt "bear", as opposed to the kind in your haiku.
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Written by Fledermaus (3488 comments posted) 25th January 2007 |
| Good one. The less words the harder to create something good, but I think you captured it well. |
Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 25th January 2007 |
Liked the idea, but I too was a little unsure about the sneering. Perhaps it's not that important, but I finished reading and immediately pondered that instead of the piece as a whole.
Phil. |
Written by JourneyAtNight (318 comments posted) 25th January 2007 |
Yes, I can understand why this could be confusing.
With regard to the sneering, I tried to put the idea across that the sky was 'sneering' at the branches and dismissing their 'plea' for help from the cold.
I need more practice at these, I know.
Fellpony - thanks for pointing out my stupid and rather embarrassing mistake! I think someone needs their head screwed on!
Thanks everyone,
E |
Written by fellpony (1717 comments posted) 26th January 2007 |
"I tried to put the idea across that the sky was 'sneering' at the branches and dismissing their 'plea' "
how about changing the last line to: "that sneers coldly back"? right number of syllables, clearer meaning. |
fellpony
Written by JourneyAtNight (318 comments posted) 26th January 2007 |
| Thats a good suggestion - many thanks! |
Written by ellipinnock (1786 comments posted) 27th January 2007 |
Loved the image - liked fellpony's suggestion. Strong enough that I came back for a second look - don't often say that about a haiku!
Elli |
Written by francoise (129 comments posted) 27th January 2007 |
your choice of words like sneering and pleading gave it abit of a sinister quality. I agree with FPs suggestion, it would make it alot clearer without losing the effect.
The image was clear which I think is particularly important for a haiku.
a solid piece
Fran |
Written by JourneyAtNight (318 comments posted) 28th January 2007 |
Thanks everyone for commenting  |
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