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By francoise
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26 January 2007 |
In a bid to keep still
this evening,
I wear the short dress
you gave me.
It is made of cotton
and lycra,
It climbs onto me,
A steady
velvet panther.
You say you like me
best in black
It deepens the hue
and mood of
Our nights dining.
“Pick out what pleases you
My darling”
I mustn’t cry under the weight
of this skin.
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Written by fellpony (1507 comments posted) 26th January 2007 | mmm ... sombre.
I like it, and I like its ambiguity. There are some memorable, lovely phrases - velvet panther, the weight of this skin - but I wonder if it might help to give the reader just a little more clue about who is speaking in stanza 4; you or the "other"; and why the skin has such weight that you have to tell yourself not to cry. There's a fine line between a puzzle, making the reader work, and an enigma from which s/he can't possibly guess at a whole meaning.
Needs (for me) a touch more to be said, not a lot, just a little, to make it more satisfying for the reader.
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Written by francoise (129 comments posted) 26th January 2007 | thank you for your comments FP. I will have a think about how i could add more to it
Fran |
Written by Phil (6393 comments posted) 26th January 2007 | I'm a little with Fellpony on this one. It is a bit enigmatic, but did leave an impression. There's nothing fancy about the language - that's direct enough - and even though I'm not 100% with you, its simplicity does add to what I did get. For me, this is sensual, yet at the same time you feel powerlessly vulnerable. If this reading is spot on, perhaps you need to add nothing. If it's way off, Fellpony's right.
I liked it anyway.
Phil. |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 27th January 2007 | This poleaxed me completely. Found it really powerful. So I'm not going to comment on anything technical. You moved me almost to tears - that is enough for me. Perfect.
Elli |
Written by francoise (129 comments posted) 27th January 2007 | Gosh.. thank you Elli! and Phil, you were spot on :-)
Fran
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Written by Phil (6393 comments posted) 28th January 2007 | Well, team point to me!
If that's the case, not only is this powerful, but for me, top stuff. Just goes to show you don't always need loads of flowery stuff to hit the nail on the head.
If I had confidence in my own interpretations I'd have given this a whopping review in the first place.
Powerful, effective - and left an impression. I don't think you could ask for more from this type of poem.
Phil. |
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