|
By ellipinnock
|
|
26 January 2007 |
Result of an etymological (sp?) enlightenment earlier. Precisely 303 words long - trimming my verbosity nearly gave me a heart attack!
Angel Turquoise supernovas blossom behind oxygen-starved eyes. Legs pumping lactic now as they carry me through the acidic surf away from you. Fatigue. A tricky undercurrent carrying me towards treacherous sands. I can smell your breathy alcoholic overtones, taste your salt sweat on my skin. A final spurt carries me past your front door. I slow. Let my feet slap a martial rhythm past the green cracked paint of No. 10; past the cardboard and parcel tape holding the windows of no. 12 in place and into the piss-smeared alley that leads home. I stop in anxiety halfway. Your silhouette appears. Connie Two o'clock. That daughter of mine still ain't home. I get the ironing board out, play Motown, tell myself this is normal. Nobody has been lucky enough to develop a teenager who obeys curfews. Nobody else has Angel for a daughter. The ticking clock drives daggers through my head as I sit waiting. Ironing long done. I douse the oven in bleach and scrub, forcing blurred vision to focus through sagging eyelids as 3 o'clock turns into 4 o'clock, stretches towards 5 o'clock on tiptoes as I sit on my sparkling kitchen floor and wonder what my Angel has done. Richard It was harmless fun. Who hasn't dabbled where they shouldn't? I wouldn't again. She lured me in. Fluttering eyelashes. Wide brown eyes that draw the gaze to her too-small white shirt and too-short school skirt. What an angel. Who wouldn't be flattered, wanting her? I took her out, showed her how to have a little fun. She followed me home and ran when I noticed so I chased her. I knew what she wanted. In the alley, trousers around my ankles she told me, 'This is for Julia' as she tied my hands and left me spreadeagled, ribs like wings. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 26th January 2007 | | Wow, Elli. I am not 100% certain what went on here, but I love it. And what a great ending! Whatever you have been eating or reading or doing, I think you are on to something here. Keep it up. | Written by amoryblaine (40 comments posted) 27th January 2007 | | "Who hasn't dabbled where they shouldn't?"haha how true.Loved it. | Written by coosh (888 comments posted) 27th January 2007 | | I thought this was very good, as I understood it... and bearing in mind I'm on drugs... I was only left wondering what exactly Richard had done to Julia, which, I assume, is intentionally left to the imagination. | Written by Phil (6838 comments posted) 28th January 2007 | What a good read! Poetic in places but with the pace and immediacy of prose. Glad I've no daughters. Phil. | Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 28th January 2007 | | I'm not sure what exactly happened, but I am sure that both Richard and Angela may have to explain one or two things to the police... | wow Written by johniebg (553 comments posted) 28th January 2007 | very powerful stuff. After the first paragraph and I saw this was multi perspective I almost lost the will, as it is very difficult to pull of; you do so brilliantly, I think in the main to the short but very vivid paragraphs. You might need just one to two extra words in that final sentence to make it clear for the casual reader, loved the premise of this being a man and the title being spare ribs and man having one more rib than woman. maybe not intentional but the sought of thing that resonates with a story this good. Not sure exactly how many words this is, 'haps 300 or so but would be looking for the first 500 word short story competition I could lay my hands on. | Hi Elli Written by jean.day (2326 comments posted) 28th January 2007 | | I too thought this was very good and powerful and sad. I felt for the poor mother, ironing and waiting for her daughter to come home. | Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3446 comments posted) 29th January 2007 | The poet in you won't let go even when you write prose. Powerful and vivid and I wish I understood it better cheers J |
Only registered users can rate and write comments. Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |