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By ellipinnock
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27 January 2007 |
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Swathes of snow straddle terraced roofs that stagger down the street, huddled against the cold. A sullen weight, building over days of discharge from clouds swollen with their burden. Brown-coated and scarlet-cheeked against the drifts. Wedding ring hanging loosely, caught on arthritic knuckles that shake as they grip a key burning with frozen fire. Leaving ridged fingerprints on the lock and raw skin on numb fingers. She falls over the threshold, rubbing slack skin together to drive away bone-choking cold. Even the radiators have turned their backs on her, remaining stubborn, heartless, frozen. No-one remains to mend the broken boiler. Swaddled in jumper and coat feet twitch impatiently as she waits for the kettle to boil. A cup of tea will sweeten breath stained with tuna sandwiches, will warm stuttering hands for a while longer. |
Written by francoise (129 comments posted) 27th January 2007 | You have a great way of capturing the mood of your subjects and I enjoyed reading this piece. You clearly show a great ability to describe but I did feel there were alot of adjectives and adverbs which made some lines difficult to read like: 'fecund clouds, grotesquely swollen' For me the last stanza worked best because it had a vulnerable and very human quality to it. I'm not sure about the last sentence of the third stanza, it felt abrupt but perhaps that was your intention. One grammatical query: 4th and 5th line in the 2nd stanza; i'm not sure if the relative pronoun 'that' can be used twice in succession. Maybe the 5th line should start with 'and'. Im not the greatest when it comes to commenting but I always try to be honest. I'm sure this piece will recieve lots of varied responses. keep them coming! Fran | Written by ellipinnock (1786 comments posted) 27th January 2007 | There is a distinct possibility that this is completely overwritten! Might get the red pen out later. Have amended the second stanza - grammar has never been my strong point. Thanks for the comments Elli | Written by amoryblaine (40 comments posted) 27th January 2007 | Reads beautifully!Loved the second stanza "Wedding ring hanging loosely, caught on arthritic knuckles"I can almost see it!A simple bloke i will not say much.I enjoyed it and that is all i care for!!way to go.. | Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 28th January 2007 | This is a very immediate and visual piece Elli. The focus on the specific allows the reader (or at least me) to generalise a very detailed picture. On that alone - superb. I loved: terraced roofs that stagger down the street, but there were many more lines in this that equally illustrate my point. (tuna breath is another superb one - it hints at so much) I think this is the one of very few poems I've read on here that directs with suggestions and small details so effectively. Thought the title very good - In fact - I loved it all - and understood it - which is always a bonus for me! Wonderful Elli. Phil.
| HI Elli Written by jean.day (2366 comments posted) 28th January 2007 | Great poem. I enjoyed it very much. The detail, like the twitching feet waiting for the kettle, made it very visual. As with all your work, I am very impressed. | Written by Fledermaus (3489 comments posted) 28th January 2007 | | Doesn't seem as if your old lady enjoys this season very much. Indeed you are able to create a clear atmosphere with very few words. |
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