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Poetry
The Dead of Winter
By ellipinnock
27 January 2007
Swathes of snow straddle
terraced roofs that stagger down the street,
huddled against the cold.
A sullen weight,
building over days of discharge
from clouds swollen
with their burden.

Brown-coated and scarlet-cheeked
against the drifts. Wedding ring hanging
loosely, caught on arthritic knuckles
that shake as they grip a key
burning with frozen fire.
Leaving ridged fingerprints on the lock
and raw skin on numb fingers.

She falls over the threshold,
rubbing slack skin together
to drive away bone-choking cold.
Even the radiators have turned
their backs on her,
remaining stubborn, heartless,
frozen. No-one remains
to mend the broken boiler.

Swaddled in jumper and coat
feet twitch impatiently
as she waits
for the kettle to boil.
A cup of tea will sweeten
breath stained with tuna sandwiches,
will warm stuttering hands
for a while longer.

Reviews

Written by francoise (129 comments posted) 27th January 2007
You have a great way of capturing the mood of your subjects and I enjoyed reading this piece. You clearly show a great ability to describe but I did feel there were alot of adjectives and adverbs which made some lines difficult to read like: 'fecund clouds, grotesquely swollen' For me the last stanza worked best because it had a vulnerable and very human quality to it. I'm not sure about the last sentence of the third stanza, it felt abrupt but perhaps that was your intention.  
One grammatical query: 4th and 5th line in the 2nd stanza; i'm not sure if the relative pronoun 'that' can be used twice in succession. Maybe the 5th line should start with 'and'. 
Im not the greatest when it comes to commenting but I always try to be honest. I'm sure this piece will recieve lots of varied responses. 
 
keep them coming! 
 
Fran

Written by ellipinnock (1786 comments posted) 27th January 2007
There is a distinct possibility that this is completely overwritten! Might get the red pen out later.  
 
Have amended the second stanza - grammar has never been my strong point. 
 
Thanks for the comments 
 
Elli

Written by amoryblaine (40 comments posted) 27th January 2007
Reads beautifully!Loved the second stanza 
"Wedding ring hanging  
loosely, caught on arthritic knuckles"I can almost see it!A simple bloke i will not say much.I enjoyed it and that is all i care for!!way to go..

Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 28th January 2007
This is a very immediate and visual piece Elli. The focus on the specific allows the reader (or at least me) to generalise a very detailed picture. On that alone - superb.  
 
I loved: terraced roofs that stagger down the street, 
but there were many more lines in this that equally illustrate my point. (tuna breath is another superb one - it hints at so much) 
I think this is the one of very few poems I've read on here that directs with suggestions and small details so effectively. 
 
Thought the title very good - In fact - I loved it all - and understood it - which is always a bonus for me! 
 
Wonderful Elli. 
 
Phil. 
 
HI Elli
Written by jean.day (2366 comments posted) 28th January 2007
Great poem. I enjoyed it very much. The detail, like the twitching feet waiting for the kettle, made it very visual. 
 
As with all your work, I am very impressed.

Written by Fledermaus (3489 comments posted) 28th January 2007
Doesn't seem as if your old lady enjoys this season very much. Indeed you are able to create a clear atmosphere with very few words.

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