Chapter 35

As Rosie still remained hidden behind her mother, refusing to even look at Jon, Emily looked from one to the other, her heart aching for her daddy.  Clare just sat there looking around her, quite unable to work out the reason for her sister’s sudden outburst.  For once, Donna was not quite sure what to say.  She could understand why Rosie was scared, yet she also understood why Jon had reacted so totally out of character – he had been scared out his wits, and lost it completely, just for a couple of minutes, but long enough to cause his little girl to be scared stiff of him.

He crouched down on the floor, and held his arms out to her, but she still ignored him.

“Rosie, please!”  His voice was shaking.  “I’m sorry I shouted at you, I didn’t mean to hurt you!  I was scared, and I lost it, but I shouldn’t have taken it out on you!  Please, come here – let me make it up to you!  Please!”

“No!” she said, coming out from behind Donna’s chair.  “Don’t like you!  You hurt me!  Look what you did!  You said you loved me, but you don’t!”

She held out her arms, the angry red marks still visible on her wrists.  Her blue eyes sparkled with tears, and the accusing look she gave him almost broke his heart there and then.

“Did I really do that?” he said, tears beginning to roll down his face.  “Oh dear God, what have I done?  I’m so sorry, Rosie!  Please, don’t be scared of me – it’ll never happen again, I swear!  I love you so much, please, come here and give me a hug!  I’m begging you, forgive me….”

“Don’t want to hug you!” she shouted, her voice so full of anger that it shocked him to the core.  “Go ‘way!  Don’t love you any more!  I want another daddy!  Not you!  Not you!”

She emphasised the last two words by walking up to him, and pounding his chest with her little fists, then running off into the conservatory, to play with her toys.  He stood up slowly, quite unable to take in what she had just said.  He could feel his throat tightening as he tried desperately not to cry in front of Donna, and the other two girls.  Rosie’s words had hurt like a knife in his heart, the thought that he had hurt his precious little girl so much, that she no longer wanted him to be her daddy, was tearing him apart – the pain was almost physical.  Donna looked over at him, her heart breaking on his behalf, but before she could say anything, Emily wheeled her chair over to where he stood, and took his hand in hers, looking up at him, the pain in her eyes reflecting his own.

“Don’t worry, daddy!” she said, holding out her arms.  “I’m sure Rosie didn’t mean what she said – she was just frightened!  Anyway, it’s all right – I still love you!  I still want you for my daddy!  I’ll give you a hug if you want!”

The look of love in her eyes, and the expression of sympathy and understanding on her face was enough to break him completely.  He tried to answer her, but the words just would not come.  He knelt down by her chair, and lay his head in her lap, crying his heart out.  Emily did not speak, but just sat there, gently stroking his hair.  This simple act of affection made him cry harder than ever, as his pent-up pain and frustration spilled out.  He did not see Clare climb down from her chair, and walk over to them, bewildered and upset by her daddy’s sudden outburst.  She stood next to Emily’s wheelchair, her hand on his shoulder.

“Don’t cry” she said, tears beginning to roll down her face.  “Love you, daddy!”

It was the first time he had ever heard her say it, and he lifted his head from Emily’s lap, and gently stroked her face, still quite unable to speak.  She smiled, and planted a gentle kiss on his cheek, before running off to join Rosie.  He stood up and looked at Emily, finally regaining his power of speech.

“Are you all right now, daddy?” she said, still gripping his hand.

“Not really, Emily!” he said, softly.  “I won’t be all right until my little girl forgives me for what I’ve done!”

“She will, daddy!” she replied, the look of love and reassurance on her face warming his heart just a little.  “She’ll never find a better daddy – not ever!  She’s already got the best daddy in the world!”

With that, she pressed the button on the arm of her chair, and made her way into the conservatory to join the other two girls.  Realising that they were alone, for at least a few moments, he walked over to Donna, and wrapped his arms around her.  To his surprise, she stiffened at his touch – she had not reacted like that yesterday, when he had done the same after little David’s lucky escape.

“Don’t, Jon!” she said, looking up at him. “Not yet!  One thing at a time!”

“You didn’t push me off yesterday!” he said, bitterly, turning his back so she could not see the tears in his eyes.  “so why the change of heart?  Please, Donna, I don’t know how much longer I can live like this!  I can’t stand it – this constant rejection!  I just want to hold you, and kiss you like I did before!  I look at you, and I ache for your touch!  It’s the little things I miss, Donna!  When you run your fingers through my hair, when you massage my shoulders when I’m tired, when you open my shirt and run your fingers up and down my back!  Then just when I think I can’t take any more, you start kissing my neck and send me heavenward!  Please, Donna – I can’t stand the thought of spending the rest of my life longing for you!  You say you want to love me again – well, show me!”

“I do want to love you, Jon!  I really do!”

“Well, then!” he said, his voice almost a whisper.  “Love me, Donna!  Take a day out of your life, and love me!”

She put David in his Moses basket, and turned to face him.  He had suffered enough after little Rosie’s dramatic rejection – how could she pile on the agony by rejecting him, as well?  She knew the feelings were still there, but they had been buried so deep that it was proving difficult to get them back again. Still, she knew she had to start somewhere.  She wrapped her arms around his neck, and pulled him close to her, burying her face in his shoulder.  He held her as tightly as he dared, quite unable to say a word – but words were not necessary.  They both knew what they wanted, and, although it was going to take time, that did not matter.  All that mattered was that Donna had made the first move, and was willing to take the first lesson in learning how to love her husband again.

Rosie, however, was proving to be a little more difficult.  He was finding it very hard to win back her trust, and she still gave him a very wide berth.  Donna noticed him visibly flinch every time she rejected him, and ran away.  He had made a mistake – and God, Rosie was making him pay for it big time!  Donna tried to make her see reason – usually she could, but this time, Rosie was having none of it.  She was so unused to her daddy losing his temper, and raising his voice at her, and he had never punished her physically before, that she found it totally bewildering, and just could not understand why he had done it.  After all, she had not meant the pram to go into the water, she had not done it on purpose.  To her child’s mind, his actions meant that he did not love her any more – it was as simple as that.  Like any child, to her, things were black and white, there was no grey in between.

One day, they were all together in the living room, watching TV.  Rosie was sitting with Donna, Clare was sitting on Jon’s lap, and Emily was happily ensconced in the middle of them.  He kept glancing at Rosie, trying to get a reaction from her, but he could not get her attention. Suddenly, she got down from the sofa, announcing that she needed the toilet.

“Take me, please, mummy” she said, tugging at Donna’s skirt.

“Mummy’s tired!” said Jon, reaching out for her.  “I’ll take you! Come on!”

“No!” she retorted, pushing his arm away.  “Mummy take me – not you!”

“Please, Rosie!  How much longer are you going to keep this up?  How many more times do I have to say I’m sorry, before you stop punishing me?  Please, come with me!”

He reached out to her once again, and caught hold of her hand.  In an attempt to get away, she lifted up her free hand, and slapped his face, with a force that almost took his breath away.  He held his hand to his cheek, quite unable to believe what she had just done.  He was too shocked to speak.  Donna decided to take action.

“Rosie!  What the hell did you do that for?  Say sorry to daddy, right now!”

“No!” she yelled, sticking her tongue out.  “I’m not sorry, so I’m not saying it!”

With that, she ran from the room, and out of the back door.  The back gate had been left open by a careless delivery driver, who had left a parcel at the back door while they were out, and Rosie quickly ran through it.   Jon pulled himself together, and ran after her.  At just three years old, she had virtually no road sense, and ran straight out without looking, just as a car appeared around the corner. She screamed as it bore down on her, tyres screeching as the driver virtually stood on his brakes.

“Rosie!  No!”

Jon tore after her, and stood between her and the car.  He grabbed her, just as the car struck him from behind.  They both fell together, but he hit the ground just before Rosie, cushioning her from any injury.  He could feel pain radiating all over his body, but he did not care.  He clung on to Rosie for all he was worth, sobbing uncontrollably.  As he managed to sit up, she wrapped her arms around his neck, and began to cry, too.

“I’m sorry, daddy!” she wept, her little body shuddering with fright and confusion.

“Oh, Rosie!”  He held her close, stroking her soft blonde curls.  “Don’t you ever scare me like that again!  Oh, God…..”

As he held her, she realised that her daddy did love her, after all!  He had just risked his life to save hers – he had run out in front of a car without giving it a second thought.  He had used himself as a human shield, to protect her from injury – that proved beyond doubt that he loved her.  He had said so many times before, that he would lay down his life to protect his family, and Rosie now realised, beyond all doubt, that it was true.