Great Writing - Home > For Kids > Station Road Chapter 5
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1766 guests online and 2 members online
For Children
Station Road Chapter 5
By Phil
28 January 2007
Not sure about this chapter, but I needed to get Hugh into Ted's house.

A WALK AND A LOST FRIEND.

Later that same day I decided to go for a walk. The afternoon had turned out as beautiful as the morning had promised.  With the end of September coming around it seemed like a crime not to make the best of it. 

Next to the railway embankment at the bottom of the street was a narrow, slightly overgrown path.  If you turned left and walked away from town you would eventually reach open countryside.  If you just planned to walk a mile or two like I did, you never really left the town proper but it was about as close to the countryside as you could get without getting on the bus.

It was pretty peaceful, except for the rush and roar of the express passing by every twenty minutes or so.  If you could ignore that and the litter strewn here and there it was very pleasant indeed.

I’d gone about half a mile when I heard hushed voices ahead.  It was so quiet that I couldn’t help but hear what they were saying.

“Where d’you get it Rick?”

“My dad.  He just leaves them lying around.  He’ll never miss one.”

“Great.  Get it lit then.”

There were a few muffled giggles and then a lot of choking coughs.  I stood there wondering what was going on and then I smelled a faint whiff of tobacco smoke.  So that was their game.  I was just too inquisitive to walk by so I crept a little closer and peered through the leaves.

The Bartholomew boy, whose name must be Rick, was passing a cigarette to Hugh.  Stood behind them, looking pretty worried was Billy.  The cigarette was passed backwards and forwards between Hugh and Rick until it was finished.  I was very glad to see that Billy didn’t take part in this.  In fact he just looked rather embarrassed to be there.

I decided, for Billy’s sake, that I’d just turn around and go back home now instead of risking them seeing me and having to explain what they were up to.  I could always talk about it to Billy later.

Well as you can imagine, that had spoiled my afternoon.  It seemed like Billy got the blame for things that he wasn’t really involved in.  The other children who lived on the street were certainly no angels, but it was Billy who was cast as the villain.

Back home I was back in my chair finishing off the paper when I saw Billy coming back down the street with Hugh.  Rick was nowhere to be seen.  I didn’t really want to speak to Hugh, but I was desperate to speak to Billy so I went to front door and asked them if they wanted a drink.

 “Yea, thanks Ted,” said Billy.

All I got from Hugh was a noncommittal grunt that I took to mean yes.

So there we were, sat in the parlour.  Billy was sat on the sofa and Hugh in my chair.  This irritated me straight away, but I don’t suppose he knew it was my favourite chair, so I sat down next to Billy on the sofa.  I was a bit stuck for how to say what I wanted to and there was a bit of an awkward silence.  I remembered what Elsie used to say to me, “If you’ve got something to say, for goodness sake just spit it out before it eats you up.”

“So, you have a nice time on the embankment this afternoon?”  I asked.

Hugh shot a warning glance at Billy and said nothing.  Billy stared at the floor.  I couldn’t work out whether he didn’t want to catch my eye or Hugh’s.

“Could I use the bathroom Ted?” he asked.

“Yes, of course you can Billy.  I’ll just go and get some biscuits.”

I went to rustle up some biscuits.  When I got back Hugh was gone and Billy was back on the sofa looking a bit happier.

“I take it you don’t smoke then Billy?” I asked, getting right down to it.

“No Ted.  I was just there.  I didn’t really want anything to do with it.  Hugh and Rick just do stuff like that and I’m there.  If we get caught it’s always me that gets the blame though.”

“So why don’t you go around with some different friends?”

“They’re the only ones who live around here.  Anyway, you won’t say anything will you?  If they think I’ve told I’ll really be in for it.”

“No Billy I won’t tell.  But have you thought it might be best to just walk away when something like that happens?” I knew that this was a difficult thing for a boy his age to do.  He didn’t want to be involved, but he didn’t want to look soft at the same time.

“I’ll be off I think Mr. Brown,” said Billy, his face a picture of unhappiness.  “It’ll be tea time soon and I’ve got to get dad’s medicine for him before mum’s home from work.”

He got up and left.

“Call in anytime Billy,” I shouted after him, but I felt then that that was the last I’d see of Billy for a while.  I’d only made friends with him yesterday and it seemed I’d managed to upset him already.  I wasn’t doing very well with the neighbours really.

Reviews
HI Phil
Written by jean.day (2366 comments posted) 28th January 2007
Another good chapter, and a moving on with the plot. I noticed that Billy called Ted Mr. Brown at the end, which I assume meant that he was putting the relationship on a different status - aquaintances rather than friends. But I am not really sure that Billy would have given up a friendship that he valued so easily (I'm sure he won't in your future chapters). Maybe what he resented was being told off (even if that wasn't the strict intention) in front of his friend.  
 
I know that you are writing this for kids, and that you want to get over the smoking is a bad idea - but realistically speaking, I don't think a 60 year old is going to be as critical of smoking as younger people would be. We (those of that age group) nearly all smoked, and although I was never addicted to it, I am far more tolerant of smokers than my husband is, who never smoked. But seems to me you mentioned once that you were giving it up - so I expect you have some sympathy for the kids having a go at it. 
 
I'm not sure "Could I use your bathroom?" is realistic terminology for your character. Too polite and too American sounding.

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3567 comments posted) 30th January 2007
As jean said this is moving along well. I think you are maintaining the tone well and keeping it consistent. I don't have a problem with the dialogue I think it rings true and nothing dates a book more than "streetwise talk" which changes so fast. I think clarity is more important than realism. Nearly every chapter has emphasised Billy as the misuderstood scapegoat- you have established it no need for repetition. 
I think you have set up the scenario well and am looking forward to seeing what the plotline will be 
cheers 
J
Clever
Written by Fledermaus (3487 comments posted) 4th February 2007
A clever thing to put both Billy and Hugh in that house... Now Holmes and Watson will have something to do when something disappears...
leaping to conclusions
Written by John_O (150 comments posted) 7th February 2007
Hi Phil 
I am finding this an easy read but the pace seems rather too slow. We have had a dog incident and now a crafty fag, but no real action. I am already inventing the next scene in my head - the necklace has gone missing, naturally Billy is in the frame, but wait, his tree climbing sister saw Hugh in the bedroom ! Accusations fly, and it transpires Billy did lift it but only to buy expensive medecine for his Dad..... 
Sorry couldn't resist the temptation there, but it would certainly give the story some much needed oomph. 
John_O
Hi Phil
Written by Josie (2846 comments posted) 30th June 2007
Phil, I agree with the others, but I am particularly thinking now that the pace of this story is much too slow. But don't worry too much about MY remark on this score. I am used to putting a story beginning to end in a half page poem don't forget. I think that children might find this story a bit slow though as they like action. Still, I have to say that I am enjoying it. Perhaps Billy should join the boy scouts at this stage and do some bob a jobbing round the houses to show his worth! Do they still do that? I don't expect so. Whereas my age group had nothing to fear from going into other people's homes, things have changed today. What can he do to show his worth in the neighbourhood? I'll wait and see.

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item