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By ellipinnock
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28 January 2007 |
An experiment - success or abject failure?
Penultimate line in particular has been axed and reinstated several times...
Beating heart, pumping blood through my veins, stains the skin sunset red under light from the torch that I keep in a drawer by my bed. I wish that I could disappear take flight on a beam of light like the crimson-smeared translucent skin on my torchlit fingers. |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 28th January 2007 | I liked the pulse this had for the first half: it set up a brisk pace to the poem. The rhythm in the second half was different - but you don't need me to tell you that.
I'm glad you said you struggled with the penultimate line because I feel it doesn't join up the ideas that went before it well enough with the final line. For me the two lines don't deliver a whole idea. Of course it might just be me - thicko Phil. I hope this helps to point yopu in the right direction and doesn't merely reveal my ignorance.
Phil. | The beam of light...
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 28th January 2007 | may have been a mistake - I've just finished reading gene brewer's K-PAX trilogy and the image of people travelling on beams of light had been with me all day - one day ill learn to keep the private thoughts out of the poetry!
Ending is supposed to be somewhat precipitate - had in my mind a flatlining ecg - hence the disruption in rhythm from the first half. Taking the penultimate line out might help that...
Cheers Phil,
Elli |
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 29th January 2007 | Jamie, Jamie, Jamie and his magic torch, no two nights are the same, for Jamie, Jamie and his ma-agic torch!
Brought back memories of that old kid's TV cartoon. Probably before Elli-time.
One time, as a naughty six year old, I took razor blades and matches to bed, with predictable results - reminded me of that incident too.
Anyway, I like the translucent fingers, and there are Elli-ments of your usual style - but I don't think I "got it".
Elli-ments and Oli-ments, may use that again...
Oli |
Written by JourneyAtNight (314 comments posted) 29th January 2007 | Yep, I really liked the image of "crimson-smeared translucent skin".
I'm not quite sure if I understand the full meaning of it either, but the fact that it's short and concentrates on one strong image gives it a real sense of intimacy ( that probably doesn't make any sense, but it's the word that came to mind), and so the subject matter doen't really need to be clear in order for it to be effective.
E | HI Elli
Written by jean.day (2283 comments posted) 31st January 2007 | I liked this poem, as I do all your work, but I was looking for Cinderella - and couldn't find it, so shall write what I intended to say there, here.
You may remember that I used one of your poems about Deep Fried Mars Bars in Scotland to read at the Christmas party for my Literature class and had also taken Cinderella with me - to read, if they wanted something with a bit more depth to it. I sit next to the person who coordinates the Poetry section, and having showed her your poem, she said she would use it as her set piece for the next Poetry meeting to get the group's reaction.
That was a long time ago, but Clair has been ill, and I have been on holiday, so today was the first time since then that we met. She says the group absolutely loved it. They read it out several times - and discussed it for ages - thinking of all the deep meanings you no doubt meant for it. They said it should be published - so she was pleased when I reported that it will be. They also said they would love you to come to talk to their poetry group some time and share your writing and tips. But I daresay Marple is not very exactly on your usual way home. But anyway, you were a bit hit. |
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