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For Children
The Stone - Chapter One
By Jjsf2325
29 January 2007
This is the first chapter in a book - it's a time-shift adventure and I have a series of 10 books planned in total. I'd really appreciate feedback on the story - and am happy to post further chapters if there is demand for them. It's the first 'proper' writing I've done - I've always written, ever since childhood, but never had the confidence before to try out my stuff on unsuspecting members of the public!
Obviously, as a first chapter, this is meant to pose more questions than it answers - so a lot of the action is unexplained here. It  all becomes clear as the reader gets further into the story.
Please read my work and comment - that's why I've put it up here: to attract criticism of all hues.

Later, he would struggle to think how it had all happened. When had the change taken place, and what could have caused it.? And whether they had spotted him, whether they’d been on their way to discover him. Had he escaped by the very skin of his teeth?

Couched on his belly in the natural hollow, he was sure he wasn’t visible to them as they stood and talked, faces serious and voices raised, so as to carry across the wide circle they formed. Their own noise would easily have drowned out any sound he made.
He’d made every effort to be silent, to the point where, when you are terrified and trapped as he was, you could believe that the sound of your own heart beating, or the breath escaping from your mouth and nose, was as deafening to others as it sounded in your own ears, though you knew it was not.

He wriggled cautiously, trying to find a position where he could see them without having to kneel up all the time. His movements were careful ones; he didn’t want to cause the long, silky grass that lined his hide to sway and betray him.

No use. If he lay lower down, he could no longer see them. He nudged back to where they were again visible and sighed silently.

The sun was still strong, and had wheeled round so he was no longer even partly in the shade. He could feel the backs of his legs and his neck starting to burn. He imagined them, red and sore, knowing there was nothing he could do to help it without risking being seen. The light breeze there had been earlier had dropped, making the sun feel hotter, and meaning also that the grass around him stood still, rendering any movement he made even more dangerous. His muscles ached from the effort of stillness. No way out just yet.

Raising his eyes, he contemplated the great stone that provided the main body of his cover. Higher than a man, and thicker than his thigh, it had stood in this spot longer than anyone could remember. His grandmother said it was put there by pagans long ago, for their Devil-worship, and warned that it was no place for God-fearing Christian folk to tarry.

But to Keith and himself it did not feel evil, and it was a great defensive position in any game you cared to play – Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians, shooting the Nazis – or just made for a good hiding place in Hide and Seek, as today. If he’d managed to get behind it, that was.

The huge narrow gash from shoulder height down to about six inches above the ground , through which he was watching the people in the circle, reminded him of the arrow-slits in ancient castles like the one at nearby Pontefract. But there was no doubt, this mammoth piece of millstone grit was more ancient than any castle.

The thought of Keith and their game prompted him to turn his head, screwing his eyes up to squint back up at the brow of the hill behind him. Still no sign.

He looked down at the grassy earth beneath him. His right knee felt uncomfortable, on a stone perhaps?

He shifted his weight, still cautious, glancing up to make sure his movements didn’t give him away.

He didn’t know why he wanted to remain hidden, just a feeling that he was in some way spying on them, and perhaps a vague anxiety that they might be hostile if they caught him doing so.

There – his knee was more comfortable now. He breathed a sigh of relief and resumed his watch, not knowing quite what to do next, how to get out of the situation.

Keith was still nowhere to be seen back up the slope, and Jack started to worry now. He couldn’t be sure how long he’d been there, but Keith had had more than enough time to count up to the usual hundred. It struck him that he hadn’t heard the ‘Coming, ready or not’, and then a worse thought occurred – what if Keith were to call out now, or come racing down the slope? He’d be sure to draw the attention of the people down there – and then what? What would they do? How would they react? Who were they, anyway?

His knees started to ache again with the effort of keeping still for so long, and he shifted position once more, feeling on the ground this time, watching through the slit all the time with a growing fear of being seen. His hand felt a hard, cold object by his right knee – probably the stone he’d been kneeling on before – and he looked down to make sure he didn’t end up on it again, feeling for its edges.

Odd stone, was his first thought on seeing it. More like the edge of a coin, buried sideways on in the soft ground. Then – not a stone at all. It felt more like metal, polished smooth along the rounded, flat edge that protruded from the grassy earth.

Curious now, his curiosity about the object overcoming his immediate fear of discovery, he wriggled gingerly backwards in the hollow until he could lie flat on his stomach and get a closer look.

It did look like a coin – but a big one – maybe an old penny?, he thought. Propping himself up on his left elbow, he started to scrape away at the earth around it with his right hand, more interested now in the object than in the people down there.

Ants scrambled away as he dug; and despite the softness of the soil, it seemed to take forever, his fingernails soon aching from the activity. He’d all but forgotten Keith now, intently concentrating on both the digging and on remaining hidden.

After what seemed an eternity, he had managed to scrape away the earth to a depth of around an inch down the flat, vertical sides of the object. His fingernails, already bitten before he’d begun (a habit that had exhausted the patient reminders of both his mother and his grandmother) were now bleeding through the thick layers of moist soil that clung to his fingertips.

Wincing with the pain, he wiggled the coin back and forth, pushing first on one flat side and then on the other, trying to work it loose. It was hard work at first, making his fingers ache even more, and he bit his lip hard to stop himself gasping out loud with the pain.

Persistence eventually started to pay off though, and he started to feel some slight movement, a bit of give. Taking a short rest, he rolled his shoulders to the ground and peered around the stone. The group of people, though still talking, had broken their circle and were starting to walk up the slope, heading right for the stone that was his only cover.

He tugged frantically at the object now, back and forth, the job becoming easier with each sideways push. Another panicked look told him they were now about halfway up the slope. There was no way he could avoid being seen if they came right up to the stone.

The fear of Keith suddenly appearing or maing a noise struck him again, and he wiggled the object harder, faster than ever. It came loose, suddenly, unexpectedly, and rolled out of its rut, down towards the stone.

Without looking at it, he sneaked another glance around the stone. They were about ten feet aawy now, still talking, but their voices carrying to him much more loudly than before. Something sounded odd about their speech, he couldn't quite make out the words, despite their proximity; and a new fear rippled through him – what if they were German spies? What would they do to him? – for it seemed certain now – he would not, could not, avoid discovery.

Still watching them, he fumbled around at the base of the stone for the object. As his fingers touched the very edge of it, one of the people suddenly stopped walking and turned to point west, off into the trees, and the whole group followed suit, voices falling quiet as they scanned the woods.

Now was his only chance. He made up his mind in an instant to grab the object and crawl on his belly the six feet or so to the trees to the east of the grassy track, away from the direction they were staring in. With a bit of luck, he might just reach the woods and be able to hide properly until they has passed the stone and gone out of sight. In one daring, desperate movement, his right hand closed around the object and he started to crawl.

He didn’t get far.

When he woke, he was still on his belly, face down in the grass about a foot away from the hollow. His head ached, and lights danced behind his eyelids. The sun was still warm on his back, and again he was aware of the smarting of his sunburnt legs and neck. All was quiet and still. He opened his eyes, and turned his head to see where the people were – but there was no-one. No-one at all. Just the stone and the long sweep of the grassy track down the slope.

‘Coming, ready or not!’ came a shout, and he turned his head again, up the slope this time, to see Keith appearing over the brow of the hill and running down the track towards him.

‘That’s the most rubbishest hiding place I’ve ever seen,’ panted Keith, coming to a stop over the prone Jack. ‘Gerrup, it’s your turn to be seeker now,’ he continued, ‘and you won’t find me so easy, I can tell you. You’d ‘ave been better off hiding behind it.’

‘What d’you mean, easy?’ retorted Jack, slowly getting to his knees and then his feet. ‘I’ve been here hours. Thought you’d run off ‘ome for your tea by now.’

‘What’re you on about?’ Keith looked puzzled. ‘I only gorrup to fifty, couldn’t be bothered with a hundred, seeing as there’s on’y one person to find.’

Now it was Jack’s turn to be puzzled. Where had the people gone? Had he fallen and knocked himself out? Had it all been a dream? Surely, he’d been hiding behind the stone for hours?

‘What’ve you done to your hand?’ asked Keith suddenly, jolting Jack out of his confusion.

Jack brought his right hand up, bending his throbbing fingers over to inspect his nails. As he did so, he became aware again of the object in his palm.

Sure enough, his fingertips were filthy with soil, and bleeding. He opened his hand, and there was the object.

‘What’s that? Where’d you get that from? Le’ss ‘ave a look,’ demanded Keith.

‘A’ right.’ Jack suddenly felt light-headed, sank down to sit with his back resting on the stone. It hadn’t been a dream – but then what had it been? And who were the people? Where had they gone?

‘Take it. Have a look.’ He stretched out his hand to Keith. ‘I found it. Had to dig it out of the ground. It were buried just here.’

He looked down yet again at the ground by the stone. It was just flat, silky grass. There was no sign of the digging he’d done, no sign even that anything had ever lain buried there.

‘Where?’ asked Keith, ‘You’re having me on, aren’t you?’

‘I’ll tell you all about it,’ said Jack. ‘I’m not having you on, but it’s all a bit queer. You’ll just have to believe me, that’s all. I don’t understand it meself. But we’ve got to gerrout of here now, there’s some odd folk about. Might even be Germans. Let’s gerroff home.’

Reviews
just found this .......
Written by Bagheera (683 comments posted) 7th February 2007
8) .......... not because I've been ignoring it - I know what it's like to wait for your first comment on a piece! 
If your target audience is young people this might get more responses in the "Childrens' Lit" section. 
It's a good, pacy opening which as you say leaves a lot of open-ended questions to be answered, a good 'hook' tactic in ANY form of writing! :grin  
 
By all means carry on: let's have a development chapter to sit alongside this one!

Written by Marybarry (237 comments posted) 7th February 2007
Hi, I found it at last. Sorry. 
 
It seems to me to be directed at young people. 
 
But I loved it so far and am waiting for the next chapter. 
 
The beginning was a little tedious but when I got stuck in it was lovely to read. mary

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3567 comments posted) 7th February 2007
As a kid's story I thought it worked well. You've created a bit of mystery that would appeal to kids. I, too, found the beginning dragged on a bit and after a while I was craving some context and I think a child might feel the same. When you start a kids story there are a lot of contextual questions you ask.- where are we- what date is it- what is happening etc etc and.,oc course, you can't answer all them at once but I think you left it a bit too long before the reader knew what was happening but that said it was a good fast read and the tone was well set. 
I'll look forward to see what transpires 
J
Achtung spitfire !
Written by John_O (150 comments posted) 8th February 2007
Hi JJ 
I was mightily intrigued by this piece with its mysterious figures and standing stone. The tension of the hero is nicely done, but here comes the crunch, having built up this tension and fear I found his sudden interest in the coin just not right. I will return to this. 
Then after the coins discovery and recovery we get the cryptic reference to German spies - that's when I twigged the era as WW2 - which explained the earlier Nazi shooting comment. I think you may have to be a bit more generous in your clues to Jack's normal timezone, children will not pick it up as readily as an adult will. 
Now to return to the coin episode. May I suggest that you back pedal on the fear and tension of your opening ? Make it more curiousity, who are these strange people, are they fifth columnists ? Maybe Jack should tell his uncle Bart about them, him being in the Home Guard and all... Make many more overt references to WW2 but without actually mentionning it outright. My favourite would be to have Jack looking up at the cloudless blue sky and hoping to see the Spitfires come low across the moors on a training sortie... 
Having sown these seeds and the reason for Jacks interest in the strangers you can then shift the focus onto the coin and his attention is drawn to it. Then you can rack up the tension as the strangers come his way speaking a strange language, they've got to be Gerries ! 
Finally, watch those typos. 
A very promising plotline. If you want to post more don't be shy. 
John_O
The Stone
Written by Josie (2846 comments posted) 16th April 2007
As above but also: 1. You need to divide this into clearly defined paragraphs, each paragraph concerned with a particular subject. The paragraphs seem to be too random for my liking. 2. Use a colon before a list (eg list of games). 3 I think the names of the games and "devil worship" are in small letters - check this. 4 Sometimes you have used just phrases as complete sentences: eg: "If he'd managed to get behind it, that was." I personally don't think that you should use words such as "gorrup" in children's literature. They find it difficult enough to cope with our language as it is, and corrupting it in any way doesn't help them with reading it - and, for me anyway, it doesn't do anything to improve the story. I am not attacking your story, just truthfully trying to help you and would suggest that you get a teacher of English to go over this work thoroughly before submitting it, I could have written "very good" - but you did ask for constructive criticism and I've given it. Best wishes - Josie

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