rainy days have their moments - not always what you expect.
It was a morning full of rain; grey-clouded,
heavy, and still. Hedge and tree bowed
with dripping water. I looked across
at the meadow shut for hay where buttercups
overflowed with yellow drops, and there she stood,
russet against the green, delicately feeding.
In my astonishment I held my breath.
She did not see me, though her head
frequently turned and lifted, showing her white chin:
her wide, attentive ears alternately pricked
or flattened as she fed or looked about,
her graceful head no higher than my hip,
her muscled body perched on slender legs
and sharp black feet, walking high with poised steps
among the bright June grass. When she lay down
nothing but her active ears and black eyes showed.
Dogs barking at the nearest farm
did not alarm her in her grassy nest;
youth is too trusting. In a month
the tractor’s rattle and the mowing blade
will startle her to cover; for that month
I will not grudge her nibbling my grass.
Watching, I am absurdly blessed; she
in her taut independence, fills me with delight.
Water is trickling down my neck. She is there still.
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Written by Fledermaus (3489 comments posted) 29th January 2007 |
| You certainly painted a picture here. It's a bit in between prose and poetry, but a nice read. |
Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 29th January 2007 |
Lovely, you almost stopped time with this, as I'm sure it almost stopped for you - a real moment.
Slight niggle: more punctuation than you can shake a stick at in third last line. Could you do with out the second and third commas?
Really enjoyed.
Phil. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 29th January 2007 |
| Beautiful poem! Oddly enough, I did not spot the extra commas Phil has mentioned. He is right, I think -- you probably don't need so many -- but I never once noticed them, I was so entranced. And distracting me from punctuation takes some doing. |
great
Written by maipenrai (784 comments posted) 29th January 2007 |
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great
Written by maipenrai (784 comments posted) 29th January 2007 |
great stuff, some good " word pictures", you took the reader with you.
Bernie |
commas deleted
Written by fellpony (1717 comments posted) 29th January 2007 |
Thanks! Phil - yes, I like that line better without the commas.
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Written by JourneyAtNight (318 comments posted) 29th January 2007 |
I really like this. Again, as mentioned above, you painted such a beautiful picture. I think I had my breath held the whole time.
Best wishes,
E |
Written by JourneyAtNight (318 comments posted) 29th January 2007 |
I'm back.
I love the image of the buttercups overflowing with yellow drops - lovely, and so soothing. And the last stanza is magical.
Cheers,
E |
A star is born!
Written by Talisker (1331 comments posted) 29th January 2007 |
Wonderful! A true poet!
Will you marry me?
Oli |
Written by ellipinnock (1786 comments posted) 14th February 2007 |
Going to start with what is almost an aside - I'm not keen on the convention of capitalising every line. On a purely personal level I find it difficult to read (especially free verse) when there are a whole load of capitals that aren't syntactically required - throws me off course. Is there a particular reaosn that you choose to lay it out like that? Just curious really
This isn't my favourite of your poems in this sequence - perhaps because many of the others have such emotional depth to them. That said, there is some wonderful imagery in this - first and third stanza's especially.
There were a couple of things that stood out for me:
I thought you perhaps had one too many rain references in the first stanza - talking about grey clouds and dripping water left me feeling that 'morning full of rain' was superfluous - that might just be me though
'shut for hay' - is this a familiar phrase in your environment so to speak? I understood it but had to read twice to do so - nothing wrong with that as such, I'm probably just lacking the background.
'showing her white chin' - showing felt wrong to me - it felt like the movements should be a flash - or something quick rather than slow and deliberate which 'show implied for me' - but if you observed this i guess maybe it was a show!
Two mentions of 'black' and two descriptions of ears in that stanza stood out on the second read. (on an inane note - 'huge, furred' made me think of a bear!)
Penultimate stanza - two lines that end in 'month' - unless that is deliberate I'd be tempted to tweak the structure so that they're not so obviously juxtaposed.
Last line - 'she is there still' - that feels awkward to me when I read it out - not entirely sure why - perhaps because I want to say 'she is still there'....anyway it tripped me up a couple of times!
Hope some of that's useful - perfectly possible that none of it is as it's pretty much all personal reaction. The mroe I read this the more it appeals to me, I can almost see the deer in my head.
Elli |
Thanks Elli --
Written by fellpony (1717 comments posted) 14th February 2007 |
"shut for hay" is the local phrase meaning you've taken the stock out of the field to let the grass grow to take a hay crop. Ie, shut the gate to stop anything eating the grass while it grows. Did you get there w/o the explanation? Nuff said then.
'showing her white chin' - yes, she moved calmly, almost deliberately, not fast or sharply.
two lines that end in 'month' - deliberate (hence "that" inserted before secnd occurrence). Seems unnecessary, even maybe too obvious, to give an alternative when you mean exactly the same thing.
'she is there still' - two meanings: she's still there, and she is there, (being) still.
I see what you mean about the ears/black references - not sure I will change them though !!
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