still working on it, first impressions? :-) (I've posted this already but its on a previous page, so I thought I'd take the liberty of posting it again within commenting reach! sorry about that)
Your ex girlfriend lived here.
Her blue sponge cold and porous
still sitting on the side of your white bathtub
like a mermaid breathing in the nights.
Lathered thighs wrapped around yours.
The silent rooms where her voice
once spilled itself across the
air with a wash of words and
the childplay between you and her
stamping on each others needs.
The sound of mangled metal which followed
as your glasslike kisses tried
to repair the pain
She left you shivering at the door
When she went away,
She kicked the autumn leaves
off the steps like your feelings
fluttering up into the air
A crush of grey and orange
The burnt slurry of morning traffic.
If I could drive that same punch
of potent pleasure
into your insides with
heady waves of wanting,
and imagine your love
deepening the bruise
of all this love.
If you could just see the sparks
the lightning between you and me
and imagine your love
crackling with thoughts
of needing only me.
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Written by fellpony (1717 comments posted) 30th January 2007 |
Wow - powerful stuff. I read the first half with great pleasure. Got a bit lost in the second part and had to rethink (no bad thing). First half I think works - second half might need a bit of expansion to make it clear what you're driving at. The change of person from second to first is hard to grasp.
Maybe part 2 is actually a separate poem.
Yes, go on, there is something very good in here and your language and images are terrific.
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Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 30th January 2007 |
I thought this was wonderful. You get a real picture of a woman living in the shadow of another woman's possessions -- and personality.
At first, I did not think that the first and second part were imbalanced, but on my third and fourth readings, I could see what fellpony was saying -- a little more elaboration, perhaps just a little to describe the lover's personality, would be good here. And more of this would hardly be a bad thing.
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Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 30th January 2007 |
There is something very gripping about this, very immediate. I got inside the head of the 'narrator' straight away.
With the above. There's a real power in the last two verses, but they need some work. Perhaps a little more focus and clarity.
Loved this one.
Phil. |
Written by Talisker (1331 comments posted) 31st January 2007 |
Very powerfu francoise, but better in some parts than others.
There is something disjointed about it - the sponge (how like a mermaid?), the lathered thighs - a nice image, but they just pop up. The sound of mangled metal - why would this result from glassy kisses?
This is a wonderful melange of ideas, seemingly thrown up in the air. Put this together properly, save some of it for another poem maybe. Intellect and a poets eye shine through.
Oli  |
Written by ellipinnock (1786 comments posted) 2nd February 2007 |
Interesting. I liked it. There were a few things that didnt work for me.
- I can't decide whether I like the mermaid image or not....undecided
- The bit abut mangled metal and glass-like kisses didn't entirely work for me - I got something from it but not everything that you intended I don't think.
-Loved the burnt slurry image - thought it was fantastic in fact that whole stanza was great for me - loved the mage of autumnal colours and the idea of feelings scattering like leaves.
-Liked the penultimate stanza very much and can understand what you mean although it felt a little like a sexual role reversal to me - which is interesting in itself if you intended it. just the way I read it.
- liked the end but the two stanza before it were so powerful that I felt the ending didn't match up to them. Idea fine - liked the sarks and crackling but I felt that you could tighten up the language a lot which would make it punchier.
Hope that's in someway constructive. I've come back to read this a few times now and think it a very strong piece so I thought it was worth specifically pointing out the bits that didn't work for me.
Elli
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Written by francoise (129 comments posted) 2nd February 2007 |
thanks Elli for your advice on this one. I had a hunch that some of the images would raise a few eyebrows, but i went with my first draft and posted it without giving it too much thought. Im glad you came back to it though..will have another look at it in due course.
To everybody else, thank you for taking the time out to read and comment. :-)
Fran
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