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Poetry
After the Storm: ii (final)
Written by fellpony
31 January 2007
next instalment

It was strong rain, heavy and full: October
scouring the summer’s dust from the sandstone
and polishing the heat-hardened pasture.
In the morning, the aftermath roared in the beck
running brown, bank-storming, laced with driftwood.

Below the bridge, foam lodged in slack water
and two cream bobbles of froth solemnly
curtsied about each other, while the race
pressed at the yielding earth that crumbled, fell,
dissolved

as we did, in the flood that late
threw down your solitary citadel
and undermined my tower; a storm
washing clear the glass of the soul,
passion that, were it thwarted, would have killed.

Returning on that evening I stood still,
darkened by wings of doubt
that such swift choice could be eternal.

Sun
lit the backwater, where the foam still turned
lazily now, contented with its lot.
Where two had circled on the morning’s flood
one single sphere revolved about itself,
united by the stream; an omen which
I, thinking of our storm of love, found good.

Reviews

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 31st January 2007
I love this poem, chock full of beautifully-crafted imagery. The two bubbles of froth solemnly curtsying about each other, the storm, the resulting single sphere revolving about itself -- and the stars streaming from God's hand -- all of these are fine images. And the poem scans like a dream.  
 
Although I am not 100% clear about what the choice was, I don't mind that a bit: I can tell that a conflict between two people has been resolved, and I personally don't want to get 100% of a poem anyway.  
 

Written by Talisker (1331 comments posted) 31st January 2007
Its all in the bubbles!  
 
Isn't it great what pollution in a stream can tell us about our personal relationships ;)  
 
This is nice, if a little stretched in the metaphor for me. I can see why you are a published versetress - lots of skill in the puting together, oodles of emotion, but perhaps on this occasion, a little too much froth? 
 
Oli 
 
:)

Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 31st January 2007
Again, a very accomplished piece.  
 
This was much more straight forward for me in terms of understanding. Whether I'm tuning into your style or this actually was simpler - I'm not sure. Strange that although I 'got it all' (I think) I preferred the first. Perhaps I like a bit of mystery. 
 
Oli mentioned that you may have overworked the metaphor - it was certainly more 'out there' but I can't say that I thought over-stretched or anything as I read. 
 
There's quality in abundance here. More to come on this? 
 
Phil 
 
It's just occurred to me what was different in the two pieces that made me prefer the previous - there was much less of a mystical feel to this - and I'm not referring to the unicorn.
yes, more to come
Written by fellpony (1717 comments posted) 31st January 2007
I'm trying not to overwhelm the forum with a lot of them at once, because I really need the feedback. 
 

Written by Fledermaus (3487 comments posted) 31st January 2007
I haven't read the first one, but I like it. It flows well. It seems that everyone has already said what I wanted to say, so I just repeat what they said ;)

Written by ellipinnock (1786 comments posted) 2nd February 2007
There certainly is some lovely imagery in this. One thing - I read bobbles as bubble the first few reads - was this intentional or is it a typo? 
 
After the setting of the scene I get a little confused by the chronology. I go tthe idea of a recent fight/passion but in the next stanza it's back to the 'present' and it seems as though the event was in fact long ago. Then the jump to 'that' evening. Don;t know if I'm making sense but I had a little trouble placing everything in sequence - I think I;ve got it know but it took a fair amount of thought - not necessarily a bad thing. 
 
I liked the image of stars streaming from God's hand but, for me, you could have cut that line and the one previous to it without losing a lot. 
 
I like the way the last stanza comes back to the beginning - bringing the conclusion that the reader hoped for at the beginning. Nice parallels with the lazy feeling after making up from an argument.  
 
Liked this one very much, stretched metaphor or not worth the effort of reading properly. 
 
Elli
bobbles
Written by fellpony (1717 comments posted) 3rd February 2007
 
Elli, I did mean bobbles - like the pompoms on woolly hats. Composed of bubbles, but much more enduring in a group - something you see on our lakeland becks after a storm any time of the year; not actual pollution. Very familiar objects to anyone living in a rural situation. 
 
I've probably got some work to do on this one yet. 
 

Written by ellipinnock (1786 comments posted) 3rd February 2007
Ah, ok - in which case that image is very good even if I did miss the point a little the first time around! 
 
Elli

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