An Eco-fable ! No wait, come back. Inspired by a conversation I had about global warming that revealed staggering depths of ignorance.

Also, it's fun to Anthropomorphise !

Science wonk comments as welcome as comments on the story

‘Retired by the sea.’ That was how Stanley thought of himself, he sighed smugly as he flew over the brightly coloured rows of terraced houses that crept away from the seafront. It was a good life for a pigeon after years of scavenging at the heels of tourists at the Tower.

“Right at the top of the pecking order now my son,” he chuckled to himself as glided along, face up to sun his ample stomach and stave off the chill of the bright Spring day.

“KRRRRAWAWAWAWAKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!” Stanley’s pleasant reverie? Utterly shattered.

“Bugger me!” He clutched a wing to his feathery chest to try and slow the woodpecker hammering within and looked around for the unholy creature that let loose such a racket.

He spotted the cause perched on the purple house halfway up the next street. A galumphing great teenage seagull, all feet and acne.

“Oi, Jonathan Livingston. What’s your game?” The gull nervously hopped back a few steps and promptly went arse over mandible off the chimney. Stanley dashed over to him, some of these kids weren’t used to flying and, annoyed as he was, he didn’t want to damage the boy. He found the gull trapped face down in the gutter with his wings tucked under his body and his dignity in the air.
 

“Right, come on then sunbeam; let’s get you out of this predicament.” He untangled the younger bird. When the gull was vertical he looked nervously at Stanley and spat out some feathers. He started to hop back again.

“Woah, woah boy. Let’s not go through that again shall we. Calm down. I’m Stanley. How d’you do.” The gull stopped and tilted his beak to one side.

“Stanley? You’re very small.”

“How nice of you to notice. What’s your name?”

“Charles Nathan Barklington the second”

“Charles Nathan Barklington the second? Well Charles, what was that hullabaloo all about just now? You sounded like Elkie Brookes with a cough”

“Ooooh.” Charles’ eyes widened and he hopped towards Stanley, any wariness immediately forgotten. “I’m warning everyone, the people in this house are going to turn into Martians.” It was Stanley’s turn to cock his beak to one side.

“Do what sunbeam?”

“I know!” Charles eyes widened so much Stanley feared his eyebrows would loose moorings and ping off. “It’s terrifying isn’t it, I really want to go home and hide. But I can’t leave without warning everyone.”

“Heh.” Stanley smiled, he was impressed. The lad was clearly a nutter, but he had some gumption. “Okay. Right. Martians you say?” Charles nodded his head furiously. “And why do you think there are Martians in the house?”

“I heard the Mother say it. ‘That’s it; we waste too much in this house. As of next week, we’re turning green.’ See, it’s code, it means that next week they’re going to reveal their true identities. They’re Martian invaders.”

Stanley did his best to avoid laughing in the kid’s face but couldn’t contain the smile that spread across his beak; he slapped his forehead with his wing.

“Dear, oh dear, you want to steer clear of the old movies my son. They’re not Martians.”

“They’re not? Why are they going to turn green then?”

“Because, and pardon my French here, they’re making a right arsehole of our atmosphere.”

Charles flicked is head down and then back up to Stanley, he wasn’t quite yet canny enough to tell when he was being wound up.

“I don’t understand. How are they making an ars-, a mess of the atmosphere? What does turning green have to do with it? And how are they going to turn green anyway, I’ve never ever seen any one of them change colour before…unless they lie on the beach all day pouring grained alcohol into them, but then they only ever turn pink. Never green. I’m confused by what you are saying”

“Okay, okay, okay…let’s take this a little slowly shall we. Now, sit yourself down before all this thinking does you an injury.”

They sat down facing each other on the chimney and Stanley began to explain.

“Right, first of all, they’re not going to change colour.” Charles opened his beak to say something, but Stanley waved his wing to silence him.

“Yes sunshine, I know what you heard but you can’t take these things so literally. By going green they mean they intend to be more environmentally friendly is all.”

Charles forehead wrinkled in confusion.

“Okay, allow me to elucidate. What you are currently breathing in and out is our atmosphere. Full of nice oxygen and ‘orrible carbon dioxide. Now, this lot downstairs insist on driving cars, going round the world on holidays and, I don’t know, eating fish-finger sandwiches. To do this they need energy, to create energy they burn fuel, and burning said fuel puts more carbon into the air.”

Charles stood and clapped the tips of his wings to his throat; he began to take deep lungfulls of air. Stanley rolled his eyes.

“Oh sit down you berk, there’s still enough oxygen for us for the moment.” Charles spluttered and sat down.

 “
Oh, thank goodness for that. Well, what are we worrying about then?” He looked at Stanley hopefully.

“Heat old son, heat. As I understand it, too much carbon in the atmosphere means that the sun’s energy stays trapped down here and heats everything up. Hence, ice caps melting, seas rising and general aggravation for all concerned.”
 
“But this is awful; they’re going to ruin everything for everyone.” Charles stared mournfully down at the house with hate in his breast.

“Alright, I can’t deny that it’s a bit of a pickle but A,” he held a feather from his left wing with his right wing, “It’s not really their fault, and B, everyone’s been overdoing it.”

“Well I haven’t!”

“No, granted. To be fair son, this is more their doing than ours but, on the plus side they’re going to do something about it aren’t they.”

Charles looked guarded but Stanley was pleased to see his face wasn’t a picture of total despair any more.

“What though? What are they going to do?”

“Oh blimey, there’s rake loads of stuff they can do.” He spread his wings expansively.

“Like what?

“Like what? Like what. Alright, well for a start, they could start only eating food that’s sourced locally.”

“Oh, they already do that. They get everything from the Sainsbury’s in town.” Stanley’s beak fell open.

“No you great prannet. I don’t mean where they do their shopping, I mean where the food comes from to get to the supermarket. Look, there are no pineapples in this country right?”

“Right.”

“So, if they wanted a pineapple then it would need to be carted over here using all manner of motorised malarkey…planes, lorries, and so on.”

Charles raised his eyebrows and shrugged.

“Well, all of that dumps more carbon into the atmosphere doesn’t it? So they buy English apples. They won’t have travelled so far, hence ballsing everything up a little less.”

Charles processed this for a few seconds and his face opened up in understanding. His wings ruffled a little in excitement.

“Right, I get it. I can see that. What else?”

“Okay, what else, what else.” He briefly pondered. “I know, and you’re not going to like this.”

“I bet I am.” Charles was getting enthused now.

“Okay. You’ll notice that right now you have a nice warm arse.”

“I do.”

“Well, that’s because this house is leaking heat through the roof and therefore they use more energy, heating up both the house and your arse.” Charles face fell.

“Oh.”

“Oh, indeed. So they’ll insulate the roof and save energy. Q.E.D. the atmosphere gets a little less full of Carbon. But you will have to put up with a cold arse. Such is life.”

“And I’ve got another one for you. Come on.” Stanley hoped off the roof and glided down to a green box outside the home’s door. Charles flapped after him.

“This is what they use to recycle their rubbish.”

Charles didn’t get it.

“What’s recycle?”

“Well, everything in this box will get taken away and reused. I don’t know, they throw out a bottle, the bottle is taken a way and cleaned and then filled up with something else. Stops them wasting energy on making a new bottle.

“Instead of what?”

“What?” Now it was Stanley’s turn for confusion.

“Well, you say that stuff in this box is taken away to be reused. What about those?” He pointed his wing at the two bins by the side of the house. “I see them fill those things up with rubbish. What becomes of that?”

“Oh Crumbs son, there’s a question. I’m no expert on this, but I think it’s burnt…or buried.” Charles pulled a face.

“Buried?! They bury their rubbish. That’s disgusting. So they’re walking about, and underneath them is loads of rotting, nasty rubbish? That is so gross. I’d never do that.” He hopped about making theatrical ‘yuk’ noises.

“Alright sunshine, alright. But look, the point is that they’re changing aren’t they? Getting better, you see?”

Charles stopped and looked up at the house. Slowly he nodded his head.

“I suppose so; and, I mean she’s their Mum isn’t she? They have to listen to her don’t they? She’ll turn them all green and then we’ll be alright.” He gave Stanley a big smile.

“Ah. Right. Tiny misunderstanding. It’s not just the people in this house who have to go green; it’s everybody in the whole world.”

Charles looked at him agape, and sat down hard on his tailfeathers.

“We are SO doomed”

“Oh come on son, chin up. You never know. They might sort it all out. Bit bloody daft to let it get in this state of affairs though”

All this talk of impending global doom started to bring Stanley down. He sat down next to Charles and they remained there a while pondering imponderables. After a short while Stanley shook it off.

“Right then son, no-one got anything done by sitting about. I know what’ll cheer you up. Follow me.” He launched into the air, caught a thermal and glided slowly upwards. Charles joined him.

“Where are we going?”

“We’re going to the precinct to poo on someone’s head.”

Charles was so shocked he nearly fell out of the air.

“That’s terrible. We can’t do that can we? My Mum says I should do my business in a quiet forest.”

“Yeah, well. I don’t like to disagree with people’s Mums but this is a special circumstance.”

“It is?”

“Yup, they deserve it.”

“You’re right, and guess what? I’m going to do two poos on two different people. I wish I had enough to poo on the whole stupid world’s head.”

“So do I son, so do I. But there’s only so much we can do.”