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Dead Beats
By Snodlander
31 January 2007
His feet pounded down the wet street, raincoat streaming out behind him. The adrenaline coursing through him made his body seem too light, his legs too loose. His legs could hardly keep up with the speed of the rest of him.

Muggers! Scum of the earth. He had known them for what they were the moment he had seen them. The three of them slouching along the road, giggling nervously to each other, hunched up in their hoodies.

They were kids, just kids. But old enough for each of them to have a can of cheap cider in their hand. One of them old enough to have a knife in the other, hiding it in his pocket till they drew near.

Why was it like this now? It never used to be. Time was when you could walk down the street at any time of the day or night, and never even thought about the dangers. And if there ever was any trouble, your Dad would know about it before you even managed to get home.

But not now. Telly and cars and Maggie bloody Thatcher had put paid to all that.

They had had a telly when he was young. But it went off at six o’clock when dinner was put on the table. And afterwards they would play. Dad would wrestle and tickle the kids, or Mum would play a game of draughts. They’d lost some of the pieces, but they made do with Lego bricks instead. And the telly wouldn’t come on again until the kids were in bed.

And you knew everyone. People stayed put. Generations of the same family would live in the same house, funeral after funeral. You put your head down at school, you learnt a trade after and you worked for the same firm till you got a watch.

Now telly ruled the world. It came on the moment you got up, and only went off after you had gone to bed. Sometimes not even then. You ate your tea in front of it. You never talked or played games, because telly was on.

Anyway, you were lucky if your old man got home in time for tea. People now worked so far away. No-one walked or bicycled to work now. It was all miles away. And you moved jobs, you moved houses. No-one settled down anymore. No roots. No society. The old cow had been right about that, at least. There was no such thing as society anymore.

So the kids hung around on street corners, because Tony bloody Blair’s lot wouldn’t let youth clubs just do their job. And they painted graffiti everywhere, because it was just buildings. It wasn’t home. They’d be moving on shortly. In his day you didn’t shit on your own doorstep, but now, what did it matter? You’d be moving on in a month.

There was a road on the right. He cannoned into the post-box on the corner and pushed himself off down the new street. He could hardly breathe now. The muggers were young. They were fit. Well, fitter than him anyway. They’d be able to keep this pace up longer than him.

The street he was in now was all shops, closed this time of night. Not a soul about. Why should there be? Who would want to walk down this empty, characterless shopping street? Towns today were all the same. The same shops, the same banks, the same cafes. Bloody Starbucks! Sold every bloody coffee under the sun, except Nescaff, and that was the only one you really wanted. Nescaff, milk, two sugars. They’d look at you like you were mad. And then order you to have a nice day, because that was what some prick in California told them to say.

High Streets now were soulless in the day, dead at night. Dead streets. Streets of death.

His anger spurred him on, pushing him to a brief sprint.

Go for the leader. The gobby one. The one who’d demanded his wallet. Bang! Put him on the ground, and the others would run. Or they’d stand there like sheep, not knowing what to do. Or even if they did have a go at him, at least it’d be two onto one, not three onto one. But he’d had a knife. Would he use it?

Another side road on the right. He grabbed the signpost and used it to swing into the narrow road. Offices either side of the road. And there, a couple of hundred yards in, the back of a department shop blocking off any escape.

Dead street. Dead end. Dead quiet. Dead of night. Dead on his feet. Dead on the ground, back there where they had tried to mug him, the sodium lights turning the blood black as it seeped through the back of the boy’s hood. The iron bar, just the right size to hide in the sleeve of his raincoat, a dead weight in his hand.

He slowed to a walk, panting hard. The two muggers had reached the blank wall of the store, and had realised that there was nowhere further they could run. One of them banged on the delivery bay doors, but there was no-one there. They turned and saw him walking towards them.

They were just kids. Kids. But they pissed their time away on cider and drugs and sluts and mugging innocent, decent people. No more.

He hefted the heavy bar, making sure of his grip. He started to run, a wordless roar rising from his throat, iron bar lifted high over his head.

Reviews

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 31st January 2007
I thought this was very good, and the twist in the end really got me. The reader thinks that the protagonist is the prey, then realizes that he has been pushed too far and is in fact the aggressor.  
 
Your comments about television are right up my street, of course; I really do feel that t.v. has had a hugely negative impact on society. Every home has one, and it almost always has pride of place, too.  
 
And don't worry -- I know that this one is NOT meant to be funny, even if I did snicker to think that somebody actually might prefer Nescafe to a double latte with chocolate sprinkles.

Written by coosh (868 comments posted) 31st January 2007
Woke me up - liked the way the rhythm of the prose reflected the pace of the action and the anger. The twist reminded me a little of the idea of prejudices in the old Guardian ad - the black guy being chased by the white guy, but in the end they're both coppers - I appreciate that's not quite the same idea here, but you turned it round well at the end. Good stuff.

Written by Clifftown (620 comments posted) 1st February 2007
Totally with the character's sentiments about Nescaff... 
 
I thought this was really well written - I loved the dramatic opening paragraph, then the unravelling of the character's thoughts and personality. And the twist at the end was excellent. 
 
(Sorry - can't think of anything to criticise!) 
 
 

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 1st February 2007
The ending here really took me by surprise despite the fact that I was expecting some sort of catch at the end. You pulled me along with the pace of it and there were some clever distraction elements all preventing me from guessing. Alll in all a smart bit of writing. If I do have a criticism his thought processes seemed a bit too coherent for someone in that state but that is a minor carp in a very sophisicated bit of writing 
cheers 
J
Nicely Done
Written by richard (88 comments posted) 1st February 2007
Well put together. The one thing for me though was that I didn't get a clear picture of the motivation of the main character. Lots of us moan about how things aren;t how we had them when we were lads, but not many of us are tempted into becoming a middle aged vigilante. I think a deeper understanding/analysis of the motivation would help the piece potentially become more powerful/darker. 
 
But it was a good read as is - kind of left me wanting that bit more though. 
 
Hope this helps. 
Richard
MMnn
Written by johniebg (541 comments posted) 1st February 2007
Nice idea but the political bit in the middle just ruined it for me, starting with an action sequence like that and then pulling right back completely lost me, starting to skip each paragraph until I found one that told me what was happening now. Once you start action, saving for a few quick asides you need to get it done. 
 
Typically I find this (bogged down) happens to anything I write where the making the point more important to me than the story. I liked the premise but the rest makes this feel like a lecture, might have worked if you had the politics and then eased into the running and the action condensed towards the end.
The muggers mugger
Written by Marybarry (237 comments posted) 1st February 2007
It was very good. The beginning the middle the twist at the end. 
 
I liked the inclusion of politics. For me it showed the frustration of the muggers attacker. 
 
If the damned politicians did their job such people wouldn't have to take the law into their own hands. 
 
IT WAS A GREAT PIECE. marybarry
Hi Snodlander
Written by jean.day (2283 comments posted) 2nd February 2007
I too liked this piece very much, and was breathing hard by the time it came to the very much a surprise ending. I did also wonder how he managed to think so lucidly while he was running so fast - but it didn't spoil it for me.

Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 4th February 2007
Very good piece. Had pace and excitement and a very well concealed twist at the end. Bonus pints for sicking it to the witch too. Shame he didn't get her downa blind alley with a bit of lead piping. 
 
The politics and reasoning as he runs: I thought fine, if a little over done. 
 
Really enjoyed this. 
Phil.

Written by NeilTollfree (51 comments posted) 5th February 2007
Nice one, very pacey and exciting. 
 
Liked his thought process, slightly random and stream of conciousnessy (can't spell it, never could), I found it quite subtle...there was definately something odd about this character but I wasn't able to put my finger on it. 
 
However, the fact that his thought process was a long slightly off-kilter rant meant that it became ever so slightly samey. Maybe break up the rant somehow ? 
You Trickster!
Written by ChesterChumley (6 comments posted) 6th February 2007
Very clever, led the reader down a blind alley with this one, eh? 
 
I'd spotted one correction for you, but the confuser (cursed spawn of television) crashed and lost it, never mind. 
 
Your main character was well defined. One of those 'Back in my day' types. He made some good points and observations. Although I still like to point out to such people that it is their generatio who raised this - apparent - generation gone-wild. 
 
Anyway. Nice pacing of the story. We might have had a bit more tension if he didn't keep breaking the narrative for a rant, but that would defeat the point here. 
 
I really liked that line that ended 'funeral after funeral' too. Death was a repeated theme. 
I really enjoyed this one. 9/10. 
 
'Time was when you could walk down the street at any time of the day or night, and never even thought about the dangers.' I found that correction, it should be think instead of thought in this sentence, me thinks. Either that or change it to 'Time was you could have walked.....' Either way it's not quite right at the minute. 
 
 
 

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