I was originally going to put this into poetry, but then i realised it didnt ryhme.
Also, some old crap about my mother.
ps: inspired by BBS An advert for a new movie, narrated in the classic American, deep voiced, over-the-top style.
Narrator: 'This Holiday an old story will be re-told...
A classic tale of heartbreak and redemption will be brought back to life in explosive fashion. In an Oliver Stone picture Samuel L Jackson is...
EBENEZER BULLET'
Pacey music kicks in.
Narrator: 'He made his fortune as a money lender...'
We see a shot of Sam, covered in bling, screeching to a halt in his Ferrari before opening the window and shouting to a man sitting at an al fresco cafe:
'you better get me my god damned motherfucking money before Sunday motherfucker, or your white ass wont be talking its way out of this shit'
Narrator: 'But when he got in too deep, only a miracle could save him'
We then see a shot of Sam being approached by the ghost of Christmas past.
'We will now journey through your past Ebenezer' says the ghost.
'kiss my motherfucking black ass' responds Samuel in his unique style before, before letting off a couple of rounds from his gun.
Then we see a shot of Bob Cratchet approaching Sam in his office and asking 'I was wondering if i could take the whole day off to make merriment, on behalf of it being Christmas and all'
Sam looks up, a piercing glint in his eye.
'Make merriment on this motherfucker' he says, before unloading his firearm into Cratchetts stomach.
Another shot of him talking to the ghost of Christmas Future, appearing as the grim reaper.
'Look you know i respect you and all, but ive had just about enough of this shit'
Narrator: 'In the end he learns that only the love of family and friends can truly save us'
A shot of him at his nephews Christmas party tucking into a giant turkey leg.
'mmmm, this is a tasty motherfucking turkey leg.
The dramatic music stops and we end on a shot of Samuel, looking his meanest he says:
'Bah motherfucking humbug'
Then some crazy shit happens and it gets really funny
|
Written by Phil (6838 comments posted) 1st February 2007 | God, how I hate going first.
The last time I reviewed one of your pieces it disappeared off the site. Nothing to do with me I hope.
You have a grave problem in that I will always remember your brilliant piece: 'Norman the Calculating Ferret.' I suspect I'm not alone. I hoped you've not peaked as that was brilliant.
This one just isn't in the same league. Maybe I'm not pissed enough. Will be interested what others think.
Sorry.
Phil |
Written by coosh (888 comments posted) 1st February 2007 | I was just about to top myself off a balcony this morning, and then this heartwarming little motherfucker appeared on my screen. As you say, works better with one eye open, buggering Katie Melua over 6000 bicycles in Kilmarnock - like the idea, you set it up well, and the trailer is a good standard format - but it does fade a little as it moves on, perhaps because it's too logical - I was expecting you to turn it another direction towards the end - OK, not necessarily airborne baboon faeces, but at least inject it with some more lunacy - if that makes sense - as we're all doing constructive crits, now. It is, however, always a pleasure to read your stuff, sasquatch.
My regards to your mother.
PS: sorry, I meant "toss" not "top". |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3446 comments posted) 2nd February 2007 | I'm flattered that I should have inspired this, mind you,you are not the first person to notice the simularity between me and Samuel L Jackson. I'm actually a big fan of his, he could recite the telephone directory and make it sound threatening.
The movie trailer is such a great idea. I may have to pinch it. If Tarantino ever made "Christmas Carol" it would be just like this
You dont want a serious crit of this,do you.Crazy as ever.
cheers
J
"I was originally going to put this into poetry, but then i realised it didnt ryhme." --- have you looked at that forum lately-rhyme bah humbug |
Written by sasquatch (125 comments posted) 2nd February 2007 | Thanks as always phil, though sorry to disappoint. That damned ferret mocks me even from the grave. Looks like mother was right, im a redundant one trick pony after all.
The title was a hint.
Cheers the mighty Coosh. Hope you managed your balcony wank in the end. Theyre in my top 5.
I kopped out throughout this I know. Just really wanted to put the idea across without actually breaking a sweat in trying to make it any good. The last line was supposed to get me off the hook.
Thanks bbs, and no, not after serious crit. They make my hands shake and can ultimately lead to impotence.
I think the comparisons come from your frequent use of the word ‘motherfucker’ in private messages. Worth bearing in mind.
Sasquatch
| Hellooooo dude
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 2nd February 2007 | Good to see you matey!
I'm not sure if this is a work of genius, or utter crap.
I'll leave that to others, and your mum.
Nice to see you, to see you....
G. |
Written by sasquatch (125 comments posted) 3rd February 2007 | Givitsum me old mucker.
ill settle the dilema, its a load of old horse shit. A bit of fun at best. Though fun for who you may ask.
I guess comedy is a serious business after all.
Mother is most displeased. looks like im facing a week on the radiator for this debacle.
Hope youre ripping it up in Asia. i was in hong kong not so long ago in fact, and am off to tokyo for 3 days at the end of feb. Check me out.
I'm not very good on cultural integration, but do the japanese appreciate being called motherfuckers?
cheers
Sasquatch. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 3rd February 2007 | The Japanese I knew would have been fine with it, in the right context (especially pretty well wasted). The correct term is ma-zaa-fakka -- try that with a smile and you can't go wrong. Especially if you go to Harajuku, which you certainly should.
I thought this started out very promisingly; loved the idea of Samuel Jackson Scrooge blasting Bob Cratchett in the guts. From then on, though, I wanted more and zanier. |
Written by sasquatch (125 comments posted) 3rd February 2007 | Thanks Witzl, and i agree, when crachett takes it in the stomach was the only bit i liked myself. I was going to write 'blah blah etc' at that point. Kind of wish i had.
and thanks for the lingo tip. i fully expect to be invited to a japanese home as a guest of honour. | warning
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 6th February 2007 | I was in Hong Kong for 8 years, and had a great time. Be wary of the japs though. I played snooker there, but all the balls rolled to the cushions when my opponent took his turn. I think there must have been a slope on the table.
Well have a good 'un, am sure you'll have much to write about when you get back.
Cheers bro!
G
| Hi SQ
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 15th October 2007 | I looked up the MF word and it seems to be a long winded way of saying "daddy".
I read the whole of the thread but can't now remember what was at the beginning. I daren't go back case I forget ehy I've gone there,
Brian |
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