I like the simplicity of this but I think it might be a bit incohesive somehow.
There's no tea leaves.
I strain hot water through my fortune,
a pouchful of destiny.
I could rip it out, perhaps;
empty my future onto a saucer.
I imagine frowning over
a grim collection of brown silt,
change my mind, and add milk.
Toast is much more promising.
A burnt crust for a bad day,
a rough hole for opportunity,
or escape. Pools of butter
left on an empty plate
spell sunshine, and a split crust
means injury. I count the crumbs.
That is the number of times
I shall think of you today.
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Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 1st February 2007 |
This poem works for me -- all except the last three verses of the first part. I do like 'a grim collection of brown silt,' but 'change my mind, and add milk' doesn't work so well in my opinion. I might have a different feeling about this later, so I will come back to it.
(I once did know someone who ripped open all his tea bags. Weird, though I could see his point. . .) |
Written by fellpony (1608 comments posted) 1st February 2007 |
I liked the way you write about fortune telling, but the last couple of lines didn't go with that very well; they seemed to be about your own decision and/or emotions, rather than the fortune telling concept.
I think that's why you feel it's not hanging together?
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Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 1st February 2007 |
Well, I think the idea is a bit "half-toasted" - the breakfast metaphor doesn't quite work for me.
There are some good things about your phrasing, but like Sue, I think it needs refining.
Oli  |
Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 1st February 2007 |
Full of good ideas, but needs something stronger to tie it all together for me. (I liked the last three lines.)
Phil. |
Written by francoise (129 comments posted) 2nd February 2007 |
agree with Phil here, some lovely lines. You've structured the verses well. i like the simplicity of your descriptions. The only thing I felt needed working on was the connection of the images with the subject. It seemed alittle forced. I think you could elaborate more on who you refer to in the final line and link it in better with the rest of the poem.
Fran |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 2nd February 2007 |
| Thanks for your comments guys- you've pretty much confirmed my fears I replaced the last 3 lines of the first stanza because they didn't continue the rhythm, but the replacement lines don't fit somehow. And the adding of the "you" at the last minute is a bit random. Oh well, if at first you don't succeed... |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 2nd February 2007 |
I'd have preferred 'there are no tea leaves' to start. thought brown silt very good. I liked the breakfast imagery on the whole apart form the sunshine in the butter - not sure why.
I liked the idea of the last two lines but as before I'm not sure that they work as an ending.
Thought provoking though
Elli |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 4th February 2007 |
| Thanks Elli, some very helpful pointers there Maybe I just need to develop a bit more discipline when I write, rather than writing what I feel like. |
Fantastic
Written by mmSeason (32 comments posted) 23rd April 2007 |
I'll keep coming back to this, i think.
...and can we see it again when you've done the work on it?
mand |
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