fourth offering
He is my husband, and he is beautiful,
lying there softly in sleep with his hair
tossed into gentle disorder; tranquil
and smooth and solitary, drawn away
into a strange and self-possessed content.
Once, when we learnt to love, it was
a strangeness that I sought to tame -
charmed only when my lover’s face
mirrored myself. But, side by side
treading our road, we watch dull-eyed
the tedious steps we take each day,
that wear to mud, and deeper ruts.
Small wonder I am blind to beauty’s shape,
forgetting strange and solitary truth,
until I see it lie exposed in sleep.
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Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 1st February 2007 |
This is an exquisite poem. I like 'charmed only when my lover's face / mirrored myself' and the image of a couple plodding along side by side and thus not really seeing each other as clearly as they ought to.
Those last three lines are lovely and the rhythm is perfect. I will have to leave it to others to find anything to criticize here. |
Beautiful!
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 1st February 2007 |
Such a gentle touch! You are the poet hereabouts whom I most connect with, I could have written this (gender reversed of course!) if I had the inspiration and skill.
For me the last stanza is perfection. There, encapsulated, is a whole encyclopaedia of love. Its not only a picture that can be worth a thousand words, sometimes it is also, far fewer well chosen and heartfelt words. Sorry for gushing.
Superb!
Oli  |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 1st February 2007 |
I was enjoying this until I got to: But side by side...
I thought from there on it was excellent.
Again, different in style to the other three. (Didn't remind me of anyone this time.) Probably the most accessible of the four.
Wonderful.
Phil. |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 1st February 2007 |
Ideas get more bizarre by the minute.
On the subject of poems echoing other writers.
I was thinking (whiskey headed) about The Scissor Sisters, who mimic styles of musical artists that have gone before. Their style is to copy the style of disparate other 'artists.'
Has anyone ever done that with poetry?
Phil. |
dunno
Written by fellpony (1616 comments posted) 1st February 2007 |
Always useful as an exercise, of course. e e cummings is a sure fire starter for ten.
William S of course, if you like iambic pentameter, and Racine, if you fancy Alexandrines, but I think they are better in French.
Wordsworth and Keats, Longfellow too:
in the floods of ancient Carlisle
under flowing sewage waters
stood a football ground, United,
with a goldfish as goal-keeper ...
and so on.
Artists have done it and been called fakers
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Written by LynB (435 comments posted) 1st February 2007 |
Hi there. I loved this poem - so full of powerful human emotion. Really encapsulated the true meaning of love.
Beautiful. |
Here,here.
Written by francoise (129 comments posted) 2nd February 2007 |
Beautiful poem, the last stanza particularly touching.. one of the best lines for me 'A strangeness that I sought to tame' amongst others.
Could learn alot from you!
all the best
Fran |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 2nd February 2007 |
Another gentle piece although a darker overtone to this one towards the end. I felt like this would have liked to be a sonnet...
Thought the ending very good - insightful
Elli |
Standing back
Written by bwoz (125 comments posted) 5th February 2007 |
Very good, excellent tone and measure. So many poems about love try to be "true love" poems and they are so narrow in vission. This is a "true" love poem, from a thinking and observant woman and offered in broad strokes. Only sitting there can you see to describe "drawn away//Into a strange and self-possessed content".
And acknowledging the "tedious steps...that wear to mud, and deeper ruts."
Yes, this is "true" love, not a love of one person for another, but the love of a woman for her life with her husband; and solid as the temple steps.
Excellent
BW |
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