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Great Writing - Home > Extended > Let no man put asunder - chapter 34
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Extended Work
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| Let no man put asunder - chapter 34 | |
| By LynB | ||||||||||||||||||||
| 01 February 2007 | ||||||||||||||||||||
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Chapter 34 “Daddy, was that Steve?” said Emily, as Jon walked back into the living room, standing there as if he was in a complete daze. “I’m sure I heard him come in” “You did.” he said, not even looking at her. “but he’s gone again now.” “Where’s mummy, then?” “She’s still in hospital. Her baby’s gone, but she’s still poorly, so she has to stay there until she’s better.” “Why isn’t Steve with her? It was his baby, too” “I don’t know! Stop asking so many bloody questions! You’re doing my head in!” “Sorry, daddy. I won’t mention it again. I didn’t mean to upset you.” Her eyes filled with tears, and her lips began to tremble. She quickly turned her back on him, hoping he had not noticed, but he was not that easily fooled. Feeling like the world’s biggest bastard, he knelt down by her wheelchair, and took her in his arms. He could feel her little body shaking, as she began to cry as if her heart would break. There were so many things happening at once, and it was beginning to overwhelm her. “I’m so sorry, Emily” he said, gently stroking her hair. “I shouldn’t have snapped at you; I was out of order. It’s just that everything’s going wrong and I don’t know what to do. Eliza’s gone, and mummy’s poorly…” “It’s okay, daddy, I understand. I know you didn’t mean to shout at me. What are you going to do about mummy? She’s there all on her own.” “I know.” he said, his voice trembling. “and it’s breaking my heart. I know what it’s like to feel alone and scared.” “Are you scared now, daddy? Are you scared now Eliza’s gone?” “I am a little, Emily, but I’m really sad more than anything else. I’m really going to miss her, you know. There’s nothing more I can do for her, now, but mummy’s still here, and right now she needs someone with her – someone who cares.” “Are you going to see her, daddy?” said Rosie, resting her head on his shoulder. “Well, I don’t know whether she’ll want to see me, or not, but I’m going anyway. I’m not leaving her there all alone. I’ll ring Auntie Joanne and ask her if she’ll come and look after you, while I’m gone.” With that, he picked up the telephone and rang Joanne, explaining what had happened. Shocked to the core, she agreed to come over straight away. She did not live too far away, so it only took her ten minutes to arrive. After hugging the girls, she turned to face Jon. She was shocked at how pale and ill he looked – recent events were beginning to take their toll on him. He looked so completely lost and bewildered, that her heart went out to him, and she instinctively put her arms around him, and held him close. To her surprise, he pulled away from her. “I’m sorry, love” she said, her hand still on his shoulder. “I didn’t mean….” “It’s all right, Joanne. It’s just that, at the moment, it doesn’t take much to set me off. Please, don’t be offended…” “I’m not” she reassured him. “I understand completely. How could that swine leave my sister alone at a time like this? You would never have done that.” “No, I could never do that to the mother of my children. Anyway, I’d better go, before she thinks no one gives a shit.” As he drove along the quiet country lanes, so many thoughts crowded his mind. The hospital was the last place he wanted to go, after what had happened to Eliza. It would be so hard walking through those doors, but he knew that, for Donna’s sake, he had to do it. At the moment, he was raw and grieving, but he realised that she must be feeling pretty much the same. This was the second baby she had lost, and he could remember the searing pain they had both felt when it happened the first time. For it to happen again was so cruel, and for the man who professed to love her to turn his back on her when she needed him most, well, that was the cruellest blow of all. He parked the car, and walked up to the hospital entrance. Just looking at the building brought back so many painful memories, and he hesitated for just a moment, before taking a deep breath, and walking inside. After a brief word with the lady at the reception desk, he made his way along the winding corridors to maternity. Donna was in a little side room, so the sounds of new life did not pile on even more agony. He tapped gently on the door, and opened it slowly. She appeared to be asleep, so he just sat in a chair at the side of the bed, watching her. She looked so pale and vulnerable, her hand next to her on the pillow; her face was still tearstained. She looked as if she had been crying for a week. After a few minutes, she seemed to sense there was someone there, and her eyes flickered open. “Steve?” she said, holding out her hand. “No, love – it’s me.” “Come to gloat, have you?” she said, her bitter words cutting him like a knife. “What the hell do you take me for?” he said, his voice a strangled whisper. “Why on earth would I gloat?” “I would’ve thought that was obvious” she replied, tears pouring down her face. “I must be a bit thick, then, because it isn’t obvious to me.” “No, you’re not thick. You’re just too big hearted for your own good. After what I’ve done to you, I’m surprised you even want to look at me. Some people would say I’m getting what I deserve.” “Donna, whatever happened, you didn’t deserve this! Anyway, I’m not totally blameless, am I? It was my awful mood swings that drove you away. I don’t blame you for chucking me out; I’d become impossible to live with, I….” “Maybe, but some of the things I did were unforgivable. I flaunted Steve in front of you, and I even stopped you from seeing your children on your own. That time you tried to commit suicide – that was my fault, I can see it now! I wasn’t there for you when you needed me most. Instead of supporting you, and loving you like I should have done, I turned you away. Now I’m being punished, for the pain I caused you….” “Stop it, Donna!” He was close to tears now. “Stop talking like that! You’re breaking my heart! I know what you went through losing our first baby, so there is no way I would ever say you deserve what’s happening to you now. You have to get that idea out of your head, because it’s not true. I know it wasn’t my baby, and I have no right to feel like this, but it’s tearing me apart seeing you in pain….” She lifted up her hand, and gently touched his face. His words had robbed her of what was left of her self-control, and she was crying openly, not even trying to hold back. “Oh, you dear, sweet man” she said, her voice almost a whisper. “Every time I think I’m completely alone, and that nobody cares – I turn around and there you are. I’ve been such a bloody fool….” “Don’t say that, Donna.” “Well, it’s true, isn’t it? Where’s Steve? He told me he loved me, and he seemed made up when I told him I was pregnant. Then he asked me to marry him, and I could see a wonderful future ahead of me. I had little niggling doubts, but I pushed them to the back of my mind, thinking he was maybe just jealous of what we’d had together, and he felt insecure, but it wasn’t that at all! He doesn’t care, does he? It’s that simple! Maybe he never has! Before you tell me he does care, and it’s all in my mind, answer me this – where is he? Where is he, Jon…” “That’s enough, Donna” he said, softly, leaning over and taking her in his arms. “Come on, calm down. Please, love, don’t waste your tears on him; he just isn’t worth it.” As he held her, he thought back to the conversation he’d had with Steve, and the look he’d given him, when he’d asked if he’d ever loved her. He just did not have the heart to tell her. She was in enough pain, physical and mental, without him piling on the agony. As far as he was concerned, Steve had taken advantage of Donna when she was at her most vulnerable. She was alone and hurting, and in need of a shoulder to cry on, and he had been in the right place at the right time. His train of thought was interrupted, when Donna suddenly pulled away from him. “I should have seen this coming” she said, her eyes full of pain. “Although Steve said he loved me, I don’t think he really wanted the children as part of the package, and they sensed that, too. They never really warmed to him, and children are very good judges of character. They know who they love, and who loves them, and it was obvious to them that Steve didn’t. I should’ve realised that right from the very beginning, but maybe I just didn’t want to see it. Perhaps I was hoping that things would eventually turn out the way I’d hoped, but life isn’t always like that, is it? Those children wanted the man who’d helped make them, who’d loved them right from the second they were born, the man who gave them everything, and made sure they always felt safe, warm and protected; who would have given his life for them….” “I almost did” he said, softly, his eyes burning with tears at the memory. “I know” she whispered, putting her hand on his. “I thought I loved Steve, and there was a time when I’m sure I did, but, after a while, when he began to show a different side to him, it began to fall apart. I never said anything, though, because I was being stubborn, and didn’t want to admit that I’d failed again….” “You didn’t fail, Donna. He failed – he failed to give you the love and protection you deserve. Don’t ever say that again – you tried your best. That’s all anyone can do.” “Why didn’t I realise what I’d got, until I lost it? I turned you away, and threw your love back in your face. I should have realised that you did still care, but you were incapable of showing it; I should’ve been more understanding. Then you found someone who showed you love and understanding, and helped you through what must have been a living hell. You’ll never know how sorry I am for not being there for you when you needed me. I threw it all away, didn’t I? I threw away everything we had. I have no right to say this, I have no right to feel this way, but I still love you, Jon. I….” “Please don’t, Donna” he said, his voice shaking. “I’ve just lost Eliza, and I’m absolutely devastated. I can’t even begin to think about loving anyone else, at the moment. I don’t know if I ever will…” “Never say never” she said, smiling, her eyes bright with tears. “What we had before, maybe one day we can find it again…” “Maybe one day, when the time is right – but not yet.” “I can wait. I have all the time in the world. Will you stick around, Jon? Please, just as a friend, at first? If not for me, for the children? I don’t think either of us want to be alone right now, do we?” “No” he agreed, kissing her cheek. “Anyway, friendship has a beauty all its own. I remember saying to you, a long time ago – friendship is love without its wings. I suppose you could say my wings are broken, at the moment, but maybe, given time – lots of time – they’ll heal. I still need you, Donna, and maybe one day, I’ll need you in the way you want me to. Is that okay with you?” “That sounds wonderful to me” she said, squeezing his hand. Her smile hid her doubts. So much had happened, there was so much water under the bridge – could things ever be the same again? Could he ever love her again the way he used to? Still, she could not ask any more of him, at the moment, than he was able to give – she would just have to hope that, one day, he could give her more.
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