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Science Fiction and Fantasy
(Ch1) Emelda Gallegher's Incredible Encounter
By Corina
02 February 2007
This is the story about a very special encounter that will make a young girl's life meaningful.  It is the story of her growing up. 

Chapter I

Emmy was trying to stay quiet, but it was rather hard, as her hind leg was itching. In the dark of the hallway, she could see everything in detail, her golden eyes glowing in the dark. What she was about to do was a little bit like a hunt in the plains where she had grown. The prairies of Saskatoon were a much better place to hunt, though, she thought, as she watched the small group arriving in the hallway, for if there was enough wheat to disguise her golden-red fur in back home, she only had the dark to dissimulate her presence tonight. Where they were arriving from, she had no clue, for the girls' and boys' dorms were at totally opposite ends of the school, yet there they were coming all together from one of the dorm wings, into the common area, with a candle that flickered, to light the way. She sat her croup to the floor. Her thick fur absorbed the shock without noise. She passed her tongue over her sharp yellowish teeth and took out the pad and paper from her single-straped bag : "Charlotte, Fons, Cedric and Quendal met up yesterday night in the common room" she scribbled down hastily. Charlotte, suddenly turned her wolf muzzle in Emmy's direction and took a deep breath. "It smells funny", she said. Fons, also a wolf, sniffed the air. "Nah, it's nothing. This room was crowded by the whole school less than two hours ago, of course it still smells...". Emmy let out her breath. Her heart was thumping hard in her chest. She had been scared they would find her out, and that she would not be able to finish off her article for The Secret News, which she posted every morning anonymously at the canteen to expose the most well hidden secrets of the school to light. It was not just one of these scandalous zines you find at your local gas station, but rather a very carefully selected stream of news which was particularly aimed at making the Untouchable be perceived as normal people. Emmy loathed the aura which existed around those "fortunate ones", especially those four ungrateful animals sitting on the floor. There was nothing that special about them after all. A vulture, two wolf brothers and sisters, and a black panther. Although she did want to finish this article - what a great deed she was doing for her entire school! - she had been a little bit disappointed that once again, nobody acknowledged her presence. Four predators like these, who were so agile at catching every little movement of anyone around them, and none of them had caught on to the fact that she was there, in the dark, two arms' length away, spying on their little ritual. She tossed the idea out of her head.

"We should get mattresses. This floor ain't that comfortable!", said Fons. "Cedric, get us mattresses will you? It's easier for you 'cauz you fly quicker than we walk", ordered Quendal. "No I don't! Get your own!" said Cedric as he flied off. Within seconds, he was nevertheless back with one mattress secured in each claw and two held precariously by the beak. "But only because I'm nice", he felt obligated to specify. "Alright, then we can begging", said Quendal. He awkwardly attempted to open a jar which was full of liquid and extracted four long things from it, distributing it to each, keeping the longest -whatever it was- to himself. "An ode..." Emmy marked down every word. "... to the Pickle." She looked up from her sheet. To the pickle? What kind of ritual was that?? All four struggled as they kept their balance on their hind legs and got hold of the pickles with their front paws, except for Cedric, who, proud as a falcon, held his pickle between his talons in one of his vulture feet. Emmy marked that down, too. "To the pickle" the other responded in chorus. They then each proceeded to a degustation of their own pickle. Emmy felt disgusted as she imagined the sour juice slowly coming out of the soft, moist skin of the pickle. She made a grimace at the thought. She waited for something interesting to happen, something that would either make this ritual more clear, or some bitter words they might have towards kids at school or some of the staff, or even a confession on some mischief they were up to, but nothing came. All their talks revolved around the food at the cafeteria and some sitcoms they watched together on their TVs hidden in their rooms. It was forbidden to have those in the dorms, but the popular children all had them anyway and made no effort to conceal it from their classmates, even though they went to great length to keep it a secret from the staff. This rather anti-climatic development of their discussion could not keep Emmy awake enough, and she started yawning. This discussion didn't seem to lead anywhere remotely interesting. How could people even be interested in such petty subjects, she wondered, when there were such nice things to think about? Had she been up with friends late at night, she might have risked detention to go out on the school grounds and lay back on a tablecloth spread on the grass, observing the stars. Or she might have brought her sax and played along with others making a great music band. Or she might have just sit and read a book alongside her friends. But Dawsons Creek? A series where couples kept changing every season and where drugs and drinking and futile ways of life were an example for a life towards happiness... She felt a little disappointed by the fact the most exciting event occurring in the boarding school was that... and nothing more...


Emmy didn't dare get back to her room lest she be caught by the gang. So she waited, her eyes trying to fight against gravity, for the four friends to fall asleep. Around midnight, finally, she heard their calm breath and ventured a glance around the wall to see if they were fast asleep. In all security she ran back to her room, her little paws making "flip flap" sounds on the marble tiles. Her tail kept swaying left and right with excitement; she was about to type the article and post it on the doors of the dinning hall for everyone to see the next morning. Only what she didn't know was that someone had beat her to it that night.


Reviews

Written by anorwegianwood (278 comments posted) 4th February 2007
This is an interesting opening. It leaves me wanting to know more. My criticism is that it remains very ambiguous for too long. I personally like stories that begin with some confusion, but you need something a little more concrete. A setting description would really help. You don't have to say enough to give away details of this world that you're saving for later, but a little more visual description will help the reader latch on to a clearer image of where this is all happening. For example, where is Emmy in relation to the other characters? How close is she? Is she hiding behind something, or just in the shadows?

Written by josefnpat (19 comments posted) 13th March 2007
There is some potential, but there isn't too much of a connection to the characters. I take that this student is an animal of somekind. As to why such a "beast" would "degust" a pickle, is out of place. You should avoid using such words as "degust" unless thier precise meaning is vital to the situation. Also, you should try an avoid filler words, such as "Nevertheless, ...". You might also want to consider some fore indention, to help the reader understand when you are moving on in the story. 
 
I agree with anorwegianwood, something is there, but it needs to be a little more concrete, rather than jumping all over the place. It may not need a re-werite, but a reorganization. Also, please read over your work carefully, before you post it. 
 
Interesting WIP

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