Great Writing - Home > Short S. > Dead Beats (II)
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1313 guests online and 7 members online
Shorts
Dead Beats (II)
By Snodlander
02 February 2007
Re-written after comments.  Tried to make it tighter, explain a bit more, make the snap more understandable.

His feet pounded down the wet street, raincoat streaming out behind him. The adrenaline coursing through him made his body seem too light, his legs too loose. His legs could hardly keep up with the speed of the rest of him.

Muggers! Scum of the earth. He had known them for what they were the moment he had seen them. The three of them slouching along the road, giggling nervously to each other, hunched up in their hoodies.

The houses were gone now. Just shops. Neon lights blazing through dead windows. Echoes bouncing off the glass each time his shoes slapped heavy-footed on the paving slabs.

They were kids, just kids. But old enough for each of them to have a can of cheap cider in their hand. One of them old enough to have a knife in the other, hiding it in his pocket till they drew near.

Why was it like this now? It never used to be. Time was when you could walk down the street at any time of the day or night. Never even thought about the dangers. And if there ever was any trouble, your Dad would know about it before you even managed to get home.

He didn’t recognise them. Maybe they lived near. Maybe not. Who knew? Who cared? You didn’t even know your neighbours now.

Running past a once-blank wall painted in graffiti. None of it readable. Someone had thrown curry down it. Even now, running, gasping, he added it to his mental list of what was wrong with the world.

The knifeman said, "Give us your wallet, Granddad!" Granddad! He was barely old enough to be their father. Not that they knew their father, probably.

There was a road on the right. He cannoned into the post-box on the corner and pushed himself off down the new street. He could hardly breathe now. The muggers were young. They were fit. Well, fitter than him anyway. They’d be able to keep this pace up longer than him.

All bullies were cowards. His dad had told him that when he was a kid, crying home from school. Stand up to them. Was that what he had done? Had the frail, old man stood up to one of these louts?

The street he was in now was all shops, closed this time of night. Not a soul about. Why should there be? Who would want to walk down this empty, characterless shopping street? Towns today were all the same. The same shops, the same banks, the same cafes. Bloody Starbucks! Sold every bloody coffee under the sun, except Nescaff, and that was the only one you really wanted. Nescaff, milk, two sugars. They’d look at you like you were mad. And then order you to have a nice day, because that was what some prick in California told them to say.

Go for the leader. The gobby one. The one who’d demanded his wallet. Bang! Put him on the ground, and the others would run. Or they’d stand there like sheep, not knowing what to do. Or even if they did have a go at him, at least it’d be two onto one, not three onto one. But he’d had a knife. Would the cowardly yob use it?

High Streets now were soulless in the day, dead at night. Dead streets. Streets of death.

His anger spurred him on, pushing him to a brief sprint.

Another side road on the right. He grabbed the signpost and used it to swing into the narrow road. Offices either side of the road. And there, a couple of hundred yards in, the back of a department shop blocking off any escape.

Dead street. Dead end. Dead quiet. Dead of night. Dead on his feet. Dead on the ground, back there where they had tried to mug him, the yellow sodium lights turning the blood black as it seeped through the back of the boy’s hood. The iron bar, just the right size to hide in the sleeve of his raincoat, a dead weight in his hand.

He slowed to a walk, panting hard. The remaining two muggers had reached the blank wall of the store, and had realised that there was nowhere further they could run. One of them banged on the delivery bay doors, but there was no-one there. They turned and saw him walking towards them.

They were just kids. Kids. But they pissed their time away on cider and drugs and sluts and mugging innocent, decent people. No more.

He hefted the heavy bar, making sure of his grip. He started to run, a wordless roar rising from his throat, iron bar lifted high over his head.

Reviews

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 3rd February 2007
I would not have thought you could improve on your first story, but you have managed to do it. You incorporated Richard's advice and offered us a bit more background on this man to show what has motivated his violence. The fact that this man's elderly father has been attacked would certainly tip the scales. Good work.  
 
I'd say this was ready for publication -- no more 'writing for a hobby.'

Written by Marybarry (237 comments posted) 3rd February 2007
excellent. 
marybarry

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3331 comments posted) 4th February 2007
Sometimes in the re-writing you can lose the initial spark and emotion but I think you have avoided that This is just as urgent but it's pacier,sharper and with a stronger narrative drive. A good story made better, are you going to do anything with it? 
cheers 
J

Written by Phil (6683 comments posted) 4th February 2007
Yep, with the others, much improved and you've kept the pace of the piece. I'll just have to remove the bonus points I'd awarded for having a go at the witch. 
 
Phil.

Written by Clifftown (619 comments posted) 5th February 2007
Not much else to say except I preferred this snappier version and pretty much endorse all BBS and Phil's comments. 
 
I'd also be interested to know what you're going to do with this piece, and the many other great pieces you've submitted here - have you entered any competitions?

Written by Snodlander (501 comments posted) 5th February 2007
Well, since you asked... 
 
Submitted a couple to the Fish comp, not on the long list. I've entered two other small comps, awaiting the results. 
 
A weak excuse, I know, but I am so busy at the moment. Short stories written in hotel bars or rooms, weekends full of family. But one day, maybe soon, I shall get serious about submitting some to a publisher or agent or something (though a competition mention would be a great incentive)

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item