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"Leaked-On" Documents Detail Criminal Re-Homing Plans |
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By Talisker
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03 February 2007 |
Secret documents found in the gent’s toilet of a Westminster bar have revealed plans for sweeping changes to the prison system in England and Wales.
A top level government committee has decided that jails should be turned into re-homing centres. This conclusion comes on the back of scathing reports on prison overcrowding and cross-party criticism at the cost of building more secure units. “Not fit for purpose” Home Secretary, John Reid, was put in the invidious position of justifying the new proposals to the house, before having had them read to him privately;
“We envisage that the public could visit the new Offender Re-homing Units (ORHs), with a view to picking out a new Son, Father, Uncle or Brother for the family. Of course, stringent checks would be carried out to ensure that the family, accommodation and living conditions would be up to standard”, Reid enthused.
The leaked-on document also revealed a possible lesser level of involvement for the public, whereby an offender could be “adopted”. Under the “adopt-a-crim” scheme, the donor family would pay a nominal monthly fee in return for a colour photo of the chosen offender, regular updates on his progress, and a quarterly video “crimogram” featuring a greeting from the adoptee.
Mr. Reid sees the radical plans as a breakthrough and as a shining example to other countries;
“To achieve reintegration into society from the start of a sentence is obviously better than waiting to the last moment. Also, it will be much harder for offenders to obtain illegal substances within the community than in prison, as there are well established mechanisms in communities to deal with these problems”.
The final paragraphs of the proposed bill cover so called “Sticky Offenders” – i.e. those who are difficult to re-home due to physical repulsiveness, problem behaviour or lack of training. These unfortunates will be featured in Government sponsored advertisements in the local press, and pictures on the sides of milk cartons, in the hope that the public’s heart strings can be sufficiently tugged to give the unlucky individuals a second, third, fourth or fifth chance of a loving and supporting home.
Source: Saffron Walden Press & Journal
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very funny
Written by fellpony (1580 comments posted) 3rd February 2007 | I like the notion that it's going to harder for offenders to get illegal substances when out of prison than when inside.
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Written by Phil (6645 comments posted) 3rd February 2007 | John Reid really has ruffled your feathers hasn't he. I didn't realise Mr Mediocrity himself could read, let alone think on the hoof. Still, just goes to show we really do live in a land of opportunity. If he can get to the top of his particularly greasy pole, anyone can (with enough arse licking and backstabbing)
I hear the Tories are planning to privatise crime and sell franchises to gangs to control the local black economy. On account of the fact that none are likely to vote Tory or have received public school educations, franchise holders will be allowed to liquidise the opposition.
Long live democracy!
Enjoyed Oli. Funny too.
Phil. |
Written by Marybarry (237 comments posted) 4th February 2007 | | I loved it. Great as always. patricia |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3298 comments posted) 4th February 2007 | As Phil said you are really gunning for the old bugger, not that he doesn't deserve it. A Funny and barbed piece but if I hear something about adopt-a -thug in a few months from Read I'll know where he got the idea from. He's desperate enough to try anything.
Especially like the idea that drugs would be harder to get outside prison
cheers
J |
Written by AtticMan ( comments posted) 4th February 2007 | | Enjoyed this. I'll be looking out for those milk cartons but I won't be adopting. |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 6th February 2007 | Yep, liked this too. I actually thought it was true that its easier to get drugs in prison!
Your other one was sharper for me but still laughed at this. The idea of sticky offenders I thought was particularly good.
Elli |
Written by Fledermaus (3238 comments posted) 6th February 2007 | | Even though I don't know anything about British politics I liked this. It's a bit like picking out a dog or a cat I guess :P | Come on down..
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 6th February 2007 | Adopt a crim:- Priceless!
Am sure there'll be a lot of 'Sticky Offenders', especially from the Welsh contingent.
Not bad at all.
Givitsum |
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