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Written by fellpony
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03 February 2007 |
continuing the saga
I push The pram through the slush And crackle Through platters of ice. Shout At my daughter who lingers Seeking Some frost-traced device A small voice jeers at my shivering, And laughs At the chill in my bones, Saying, Didn’t you once know the magic Of openeyed Wonder at snow? |
Yours & Mine.
Written by Songster (52 comments posted) 3rd February 2007 | This is a lovely poem, very evocative. Maybe you live in a colder area than I. Here it's sad for today's children that they never see the snow I remember, where we could build igloos and snowmen and skate on the local pond. Ice slides on school playgrounds were the bane of our teachers who were always spoiling the fun by spreading sand on them. Once my sister and I rolled a snowball all the way home. My the time we got there it was so big we had to get other choldren to help us push it. It became the base of a wonderful snowman. I'm getting old and look back to the past with geriatric clarity.
I can't undrstand why the font of my poem has come up so small for you, I especially enlarged it and it comes up large for me.
This was an attempt at a Petrarchan Sonnet for a creative writing class but, since the metre decided to take off on it's own, I wrote another. I kept this as I quite like it anyway, and after reading this weeks 'Pick if the Week'I thought i would post it. If you look at any of my other work you will see I do not always write in rhyme. |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 3rd February 2007 | I'm not sure I enjoyed the rhythm the alternate long and short lines created. ---- Actually, I've just gone back for another read. Still not sure whether I like the rhythm, but I'm glad I've noticed you've put all the important verbs in the short lines. Silly not to notice the first time.
There are periods (as a parent) when I have to remind myself over and over - he's only a kid, give him a break. Those times are always created by me, not my kids. It's my life that causes stress - not their actions - usually.
Phil. | Brrrrr.....hate snow
Written by pasinger (13 comments posted) 3rd February 2007 | Good descriptive piece.
Imagery excellent, I have a photographic mind and turn all the writings into pictures, into scenes of what is happening. I particularly enjoyed doing that with this piece.
I hate snow and anything else that comes with it.
I lived in South Africa for some years and only once had a snowfall enough to build a snowman for the children.
A promise brought me back to land of my birth.
Good read | Nice
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 3rd February 2007 | But the weakest of your works so far for me Sue. I understand the poem ok and there is nothing wrong with it. It just lacks the spark in some of your other pieces.
A pleasant little poem about the innocence of childhood, but a work-a-day effort by fellpony standards.
Oli  | question answer
Written by bwoz (125 comments posted) 4th February 2007 | It is a nice question/answer revelation poem. It puts a condition right out in front for the reader to examine, then offers a final resolution in the form of that experience most of us have had. Still, I don't think a younger reader, like a teen ager would fully understand as most teens are still close to that age of wonder about something as simple a snow. I don't think we can recognize, or write about that feeling until there is the distance of years. Until we can say "in the good ole days."
Nice poem
BW |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 6th February 2007 | I liked this very much as an evocation of a moment. Whilst I can see why you've structured it in this way it didn't work for me personally - made it a somewhat disjointed read.
I thought the first three lines of the second stanza very sinister - for me personally they probably came across more in that way than you intended. I think it is 'jeers' that did it for me - lots of dark resonances for me in that - and a little at odds with the tone of the rest of the piece. Laughing at the chill in my bones would be ok for me if it wasn't preceded by the jeering. Just a personal gut reaction.
Rather than being a mostly descriptive piece I actually thought there was a lot of depth in this. It certainly provoked a lot of things in my head. Enjoyed it.
Elli |
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