because "Snowfall" wasn't strong, almost immediately afterwards, I wrote this:
I could, if I had worked, have been a diva on the stage,
Like Sutherland or Melba, in an operatic cage,
Willing slave to others’ music, winning hearts with others’ words,
In the glamour of the lights, a soaring queen of singing birds.
I should have been a writer; I still cherish hopes of that,
But words without a subject seem unprofitably flat.
Poetry is my addiction, but I fear I’m cured of late
And I nurse a dim suspicion that I’m only second-rate.
I have let my voice grow rusty. In some corner of the house
Lie my manuscripts and music nibbled by nocturnal mouse;
If I raise my voice in anger then its cords are cracked and dry;
In the main, I can’t be bothered. It’s as easy not to try.
So I sit here in the country living life without much plan,
While I keep the house and hearthstone for a loving, gentle man;
Cursing cat and baby and the dust upon the shelf –
And knowing all the while they are my shelter from myself.
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Written by Phil (6836 comments posted) 3rd February 2007 |
This series started out full of hope and life and new begins. As I've read on, the poems seem to be filled with more and more regret and sadness as you look back over, what I assume is at least in part, your life to date.
This one has the strongest pattern of them all and in this respect, it works for me. I had to have a couple of goes to make the penultimate line fit - more my reading than your writing I think.
Liked this line:
But words without a subject seem unprofitably flat.
As one of the 'saga,' it fits in theme, but for me, not form. I don't know if that is important to you or not - or even if I'm talking sense.
Enjoying these,
Phil.
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Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 3rd February 2007 |
I like that line too -- 'words without a subject . . .'. This poem reminds me very much of a Peggy Seeger song -- the one about the woman who wanted to become an engineer. I kept hearing the melody to that as I read this.
The rhythm of the first line would flow better if you wrote it as 'I could have, had I worked hard, been a diva on the stage.' I know that isn't as semantically smooth as the way it is now, but it seems to flow better. (Or maybe I'm just not reading it right?) And I think you need to rework the next-to-the-last line too, to make the rhythm match. But it is very clever and there is a good message there -- not to hold back in life. I'm not sure about this being about 'cowardice,' though -- 'timidity' seems more appropriate. |
Written by Talisker (1328 comments posted) 4th February 2007 |
Nice one Sue, introspective and regretful - but sweet with it. Its one of these "things I need to write to move on" poems for me. Not great, but necessary and worthy for that.
I've been writing mince for weeks, or even months now, but I feel I need to swirl the silt in the pan to reveal the gold. Not saying this is silt, exactly, but perhaps its one of those that are a little more "for Sue" than for everyone else.
I still like it, and think you are a very clever poet. I feel that there is much better to come though, hows that for pressure? 
Oli  |
don't worry ...
Written by fellpony (1649 comments posted) 4th February 2007 |
... much, much more to come, some of it bitter and some of it sweet. Much already written, and some still being distilled.
Perhaps the title of this one is really "laziness". But show me a female poet with toddlers who has time and energy to write anything? not unless she has a nanny, anyway. Once we moved to the farm and the kids were both at school, the poems began to flow again (eg Six Days before Christmas).
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Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 11th February 2007 |
I like this one:
'And I nurse a dim suspicion that I’m only second-rate.'
Don't we all? Bit of poignancy in that line. I liked the idea of a voice going rusty - having read these in a more than slightly odd order this reminded me of the poem much later on that mentions rust - the one in which you reunite and I loved the third line of that stanza.
Only criticism - 'nibbled by nocturnal mouse' seemed awkward to me needed 'a' or the like - except that would ruin your metre...also mouse seemed too obvious a rhyme for house given that the rest of the rhymes don't seem forced at all.
I also liked the last stanza very much - left me think a thousand and one things. The combination of 'without much plan' and the last line left a slightly ominous foreboding of things to come (I think this would have been the case even if I hadn't read the later poems first)
Elli |
Get those manuscripts out!
Written by CarlHalling (34 comments posted) 7th March 2007 |
| I'm a very youthful 51 and I'm about to release a CD of popular song standards with me as the lead vocalist. My voice has been compared to Sinatra's!!! It is never too late to realise one's dreams... |
Poignant
Written by CarlHalling (34 comments posted) 7th March 2007 |
| A touching poem, nicely written. Enjoyable. |
Carl
Written by fellpony (1649 comments posted) 7th March 2007 |
"Heraldic: i" is the start of a series of poems of which "Cowardice" is number viii. Really you should read them all in sequence to make sense of them. You don' t need to tell me, of all people, to get my mss out ...  ... go to my profile and study what i've done so far. this lot's being published later in the year as "Pearl Wedding", mostly due to GW providing a forum on which to test them.
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Ok I will...
Written by CarlHalling (34 comments posted) 7th March 2007 |
| I'll read them all in sequence, and congrats about "Pearl Wedding". Good luck! Carl |
Well...
Written by CarlHalling (34 comments posted) 7th March 2007 |
| I'm convinced, Sue. Your published body of work is impressive indeed, as is your versatility. |
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