This is my second attempt to express this. Reading it back, it sounds to me more like a soapbox oratory than a considered piece of poetry. I'm also unsure about how I have structured this. So, please give this a thorough slating if you think it deserves it - then I can go away and prepare a third attempt to inflict on you. Between extremes.
Be safe:
Choose your polarised end,
Learn the mantras,
Fit in,
Never question,
Protect what is yours,
Destroy what isn’t,
Die unfulfilled and full of hate.
-x- Black.
Here lies certainty, safety and bigotry.
The shades of grey that lie between
The polarised ends of a shrinking scale
Offer a space to live, explore and experience.
Push back the boundaries of lazy, received wisdom
That teaches us all to plunge the judgemental knife
Into the unsuspecting.
Risk the scorn of the mindless masses to
Think your own thoughts.
Live your own life.
Just don’t think it will ever be easy.
White.
Here lies conviction, security and hate. |
Aesopus
Written by Fledermaus (3492 comments posted) 4th February 2007 | Soapbox? I think not. It's a very fundamental thing. In fact even the bible starts off with this question. By eating the forbidden fruit Adam and Eve landed in that grey zone.
And have you ever heared Aesopus' fable of the bat (I just realize the irony of my username)? He refused to choose when the birds and the mammals made war on eachother so both sides considered him a traitor and a coward and that's why he has to hide at daytime...
I think it's a thing people have thought about for centuries. And especially the second half of your poem is nice. As if it realy shifts from black to white via grey.
| Between
Written by bwoz (125 comments posted) 4th February 2007 | Phil,
thanks for commenting my writing, and I am happy to offer my 2 cents worth for you. Overall, I think it is very expressive writing, but more in the genre of prose or essay. Prose/poetry is very common, and maybe if it is written in that paragraph format it would seem more practical. As a poem I think it contains too many abstract thought, such as "Chose your polarized end". If that is a way of saying "Chose something to stand for" then it misses in clarity a little. The rest of the first stanza I think is really direct and hits the mark you intend.
Same for 2nd stanza, the "polarized ends of a shrinking scale" seems vague. It probably has great meaning to you, but not to readers. In his book "The Poetry Home Repair Manual", Ted Kooser talks about stripping everything away from poems that do not point to the ONE meaning or theme of the poem, and to not put in words or phrases that we have emotional attachment to. That phrase sounds kind of like that to me, like you have an emotional attachment -- it means more to you that to reader because the reader is not sure what it should mean.
Also, the two short stanzas "Black...." and "White...." seem out of place. They seem to introduce another level to the poem but then are left undefined. I am not sure what they point to. They almost seem like a rant of some kind tucked inside the broader poem.
My interpretation is: don't always believe everything you read, don't always trust what you are told to believe, don't always respect people because of their position...pay attention and seek knowledge and truth for yourself and form your own opinions. Something like that. If that is your intended meaning then I would say you've captured it pretty well, just some abstract thoughts in there that could be put into another poem.
Good Job
BW | HI Phil
Written by jean.day (2366 comments posted) 5th February 2007 | I thought it was a very good poem, and think that black white and grey all had their place in it.
I think as we get to know people through the things they write, it makes us understand their poetry more. We who have read lots of your work know what black and white mean to you, without you having to say anything more. I thought it was interesting how you had negative concepts in the sayings for both black and white - you it wasn't a matter of progressing from one to the other. Grey was the happy medium.
|
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 5th February 2007 | Hello, Phil. I think that both bwoz and Jean have given this thoughtful reviews; Jean is right: having read your work, we have an edge over any reader who comes to it cold.
I can see the point you are making here, and this is an issue that I personally find engrossing: how to try and make sense of the world without seeing things in absolute terms, and yet how not to end up taking no stands at all. Almost everything is shades of grey, but it is all too easy to live an unexamined life, choosing the easy path of mindless existence under the guise of wanting to remain neutral. Not sure if I am making sense (this computer is dying and I am convinced that it is affecting my writing -- I never know but what I am working on might suddenly vanish so I am forced to write quickly), but that was my interpretation of this poem. | Very thought provoking Phil
Written by Talisker (1331 comments posted) 5th February 2007 | I hope that I fall in the grey somewhere, but being totally honest, I have splodges of black and white.
Oli  | Polarity.
Written by Marybarry (237 comments posted) 5th February 2007 | I have always tried to hold my balance between the two poles( grey??)
Of course this is impossible to achieve. one extreme or the other.is usually the outcome!.
Liked the content but had difficulty with the form.
I must study the different forms of poetry.
trinny |
Written by ellipinnock (1790 comments posted) 5th February 2007 | Interesting Phil. Some good stuff in this but also some bits that, IMO, didn't work so well.
In terms of the overall structure I think you might be better starting with the black 'couplet' (for lack of a better word) and finishing with the white one. For me the opening is the weakest part of the piece -
polarised end - repetition of the the same idea?
fit in, never question - if not repetition then there's some overlap in concept here whcih stood out for me in a piece as sparse as this.
Generally the first section came across to me as more cliche than 'Phil' - and it's your personal insights that make this poem interesting.
Again - polarised ends in the second section you may want to tweak especially if you keep the first section. 'live, explore, experience' - i see what you're saying but to me it reads a bit like a line out of a center parcs brochure! I think you could get away with 2 out of those 3 adjectives if there was another more unusual one in there as well.
Liked the judemental knife and the scorn of the masses - nice images. But then back to cliche in the following three lines. Ending is very good - I like the way the white section mirrors the black section.
Thought this a brave piece of work with flashes of really thought-provoking stuff and a harshness to it which makes certain parts really stand out. I do however, think that if you're going to tackle this topic then you have to be more careful than normal to avoid cliche - I think (tell me if I'm wrong!) you were trying to use cliche to make a point at times - if that's the caser then you didn't pull it off for me.
Lots of potential in this - got me thinking a lot. Hope the comments are helpful - they may not be coherent - writing without filtering first! Lots to like about this.
Elli
ps. I'll look out for draft three if you do make changes... |
Written by ellipinnock (1790 comments posted) 5th February 2007 | | ps again - as has been pointed out above I think that this maybe gains clarity/meaning/something when read after some of your other pieces. |
Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 5th February 2007 | hank you for all your comments. Lots to thnk about and very helpful.
Phil |
Written by Songster (52 comments posted) 6th February 2007 | |
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