Quicklinks:
Short S. | Poetry | Not News | Scripts | Comedy | Non-Fiction | SF | Crime | For Kids | Extended | Village
Great Writing - Home > Short S. > Reeling in the conmen
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1692 guests online and 4 members online
Shorts
print friendly version     
Reeling in the conmen
By Bottleblondesurfer
05 February 2007
This piece was a response to a competition held by the BBC  to flag up their programme called Hustle. The brief was to write a monologue about someone involved in a con or scam. It got no response so I thought I’d try here for one. Reading it again it seems a bit confusing. You had to give a short setting then the internal monologue

I googled the fishing references- hope they’re correct

[ A BEAT is a dramatic pause]

 

 

SETTING

He’s a company man, anonymous in appearance.. He’s not ambitious; he works to live and lives to fish. It’s all he talks about. He admits his work has given him a jaundiced view of his fellow man, but fishing feeds his spirit. He’s about to meet Mr Maxted. Mr Maxted is claiming on his insurance for  stolen goods and he has to investigate it, that’s his job. He needs to stay  focused……..…the trouble is he’d rather be fishing.


 

MONOLOGUE

COMPANY MAN IS FOLLOWING Mr MAXTED INTO THE KITCHEN AND AS HE GOES HE’S TAKING MENTAL NOTES

 
In my experience you’re guilty till proven innocent …..and no-one is innocent. Everyone is on the make – to some extent. It’s  just human nature to exploit a situation. I’m looking for things that don’t fit.  You know when something is wrong but that is down to experience, perception and,.. well cynicism, I suppose. Janet says I’m too cynical. Just an occupational hazard.

 
IN THE KITCHEN THEY FACE EACH OTHER

 
 
So let’s take a good look at him…...What do we think?.. Guppy, perhaps…  Yes, definitely a little Guppy. I’ll let him flap around a bit before I lay out the line.

 BEAT 
 
It’s all there with fishing .It’s taught me so much . People see us sitting there  looking  vacant but  you’re alive to everything around, the  flow of the river, time of day, the weather  and the fish…………how are they behaving?
 
 …..and how is my  Guppy behaving?…A bit too anxious, too friendly.…well, well, a handshake,  attempt at male bonding, perhaps?  An offer of tea and biscuits- he’s definitely going to charm me…. better men than you have tried and failed.

Now he’s waving a list at me.. all the stolen goods. He got that done quickly.  Digital camera,  computer, flat screen monitor. All top of the range stuff, too. ….  My god!  What a list. If he had all this stuff in  his front room it must have looked like a branch of Curry’s. Let’s see how it fits….. cheap kitchen fittings,  basic microwave, a really battered toaster and that’s it… It  doesn’t fit at all. They were right to send me, I’m sure there is something fishy here,

 BEAT

 
 Oh, fishy! That’s a good one.  And Janet says I’ve no sense of humour…..

 
He’s chatting away, looks shifty, going on about  what the  police said.….and he’s got the crime reference number. Do I need it? .…..He knows damn well I do. This one knows the score, all right. He’s trying to lead. I’ll hook him and slow him down. Here goes

 BEAT

 
 No, I haven’t come with a cheque. I’m here… to—investigate—the—claim …....O.k. check his reaction, It’s all in the eyes. ..Confusion…fear…Oh! and a flash of real anger. .. wonder if I’ll still get my tea and biscuits?

Well that was very revealing. But, now, he’s nervous, edgy, Need to lay out more line; got a lot still  to do. So…. ask him how he feels, do my sympathetic act..…Yes he feels violated, the house is tainted, blah, blah… heard it all before.  He’s laying on a bit,  definitely overacting…

.BEAT..

 
 Just like those mincing pansies in Janet’s am-dram group. They think they’re so clever and glamorous. I know they  laugh at me. I mean, how could I know Evelyn Waugh was a man?.. She’s so easily impressed, but I’m the one who provides all ………

 
 Where was I?… The Guppy is still moaning on. Now he wants to know what happens next. That’s how I like it…me in  control. Did he really think I’d just come to write  out the cheque?.

 Think it’s trip to the loo time.  There was that couple last year, actually  faked the break-in and just stored the stuff in the spare bedroom- Unbelievable!!  Got  a nice little bonus from that one.

 
THEY NOW SIT OPPOSITE AT THE KITCHEN TABLE

 
Nothing upstairs. Worth a look, though. Ah well, back to the list Time to  reel him in a bit…  tell him straight out we would want to replace most of this with goods….. but he wants the money, of course he does.. He can buy it all on the internet, more cheaply….very good. He’s thought this through,   And now the C.D.s …..
Oh very clever, perhaps I was wrong, you’re not a guppy …a Barbell perhaps a crafty fighter……

BEAT

 
I once played a Barbell for two hours, pace and lead, that’s the way. He fought, he hid in the weeds  and then,  when he relaxed,….…lock the reel,  flick of the wrist, out with the net and.. .bang! He’s landed….so satisfying.

 
One thing is sure, Mr Maxted, there is no way you are a world music fan, Malian singers, Peruvian nose flute players!!  Not you.……. I know your game, my crafty Barbell. They’re difficult to source so we’ll have to give you the money. I’ll just check, to make sure….. Thought so, he doesn’t like talking about his favourite artists, not one bit!……Oh..he’s asking me who I like,…. so casual, nice work. I’ll let him get away with that……....for now.

 What else….expensive watch, leather coat, jewellery.. but he hasn’t got a car;  how many people do you see on the bus wearing  Gucci leather and Rolexes??.…. Could we just replace this stuff? …Yes, for the sake of appearances, he agrees, …..definitely a crafty Barbell

BEAT

 
Look at him, he can’t hide it.  He thinks he’s going to get what he wants.

I know  this claim is fraudulent. If I’ve judged this right it’s time to reel him in. But he still thinks he’s won  …. he’s relaxed. So……..lock the reel, flick of the wrist, out with the net and ………..…just look at that face, mouth gaping like a landed Bream. He can’t believe what he’s hearing!.

He agrees… knew he would. And I assure him I’ll be round next week with the cheque….. and, of course, pick up my two hundred in cash. Never be too greedy. They feel rich with the cheque to come. It’ll get Janet that new coat. That should make her smile …..Anyway it’s not just the money, it’s the sport. There is nothing more satisfying than a successful afternoon’s fishing.

 
 
 
 

Reviews

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 5th February 2007
I enjoyed this very much and did not see the ending coming at all. From your introduction, I was half expecting that the claim-filer was going to move from guppy to marlin in the insurance man's view. 
 
I don't fish myself, so cannot comment authoritatively on your fishing references, but they sounded fine to me -- even more references to individual fish types would have been great, but I am impressed at how much research you must have done as it was.  
 
Reading this, I could see what you meant about giving characters their own agendas -- making sure that the audience knew what motivated them. I thought you did that very nicely without giving away what was going to happen. I don't even think that this character's fishing obsession was over-the-top, either; I've been on those fishing websites and by God, do people take it seriously.

Written by Snodlander (507 comments posted) 5th February 2007
I too did not see this end. Halfway though I thought the homeowner was similar to the fisherman, spending all his money on IT equipment, because that was his obsession. 
 
As far as the fishing is concerened, spending an entire Saturday being told by my Dad to be quiet put me off fishing. Guppies we had, but in the tropical fish tank. 
 
I'm not sure about the stage directions. We don't need to know that they are sitting opposite each other in the kitchen. Bennett's Talking Head series were wonderful monologues, with no stage direction or set. 
 
And as a piece of trivia, one of Waugh's wives was also called Evelyn, so he was almost right.

Written by Clifftown (642 comments posted) 5th February 2007
Makes three who didn't see the ending coming, I simply thought the insurance man was going to reel Maxted in by explaining that his claim was fraudulent! 
 
I do see what you mean about this being confusing - it took a few lines into the monologue to understand what was going on (though that's probably just me being thick). I thought this was a really clever piece and very unusual, and it certainly kept me hooked (sorry)... I can't really comment on the fishing references either but they seemed fine to me. As for the stage directions, I actually liked them but I suppose that's just a matter of taste. 

Written by NeilTollfree (51 comments posted) 5th February 2007
Very nice surfy lady...Enjoyed it, didn't see the twist at the end. 
It was very focused for an internal monologue. When I try and write something like that it goes all over the place but I found it tight and not in the least bit confusing... 
 
Not sure about the beats though. Not off-putting or anything but I don't think it really needed them...a couple of line-feeds would have done it for me. 

Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 5th February 2007
Not a great deal left to say that doesn't repeat. Fishing references fine by me - but I know next to nothing about it. 
 
Really enjoyed this right from the start. Didn't spot the end until you let it out. 
 
A good bit of writing. Really enjoyed it. 
 
Incidentally, you made my wife laugh and cheer yesterday. She read one of your comments about me being another deluded Yorkshireman. Come the revolution.... 
 
Thanks for the read, 
 
Phil.

Written by ellipinnock (1790 comments posted) 5th February 2007
This didn't grab me as much as your work normally does. I thought it a little slow to start (though I'm clearly in the minority!). 
 
Mind you, you had me by the end. Thought the last half very good, didn't spot the ending and liked it very much. 
 
I'm trying to think of a sensible reason for my first comment - for me, I think the first half could have been condensed. But it's entirely possible that I'm talking out of my arse. Think I'll come back to this tomorrow. 
 
Elli 
 
ps. the mention of the peruvian nose flute players was inspired :)

Written by ellipinnock (1790 comments posted) 5th February 2007
ps again. Looking back at the title I feel like I reelly (hehe) should have spotted the ending coming sooner...Only goes to show you can hint and hint and hint and bludgeon us around the head and well still miss the point :grin
HI BBS
Written by jean.day (2366 comments posted) 6th February 2007
Thoroughly enjoyed this. As with most of the others, I didn't spot the ending, and thought it was very good. I am related to fish enthusiasts who use a lot of their language in their speech, so that sounded very authentic. 
 
Good one.

Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 7th February 2007
Yes, well done J, clever stuff.  
 
I have seen this show 'Hustle'. We got a new TV station over here on satellite "BBC Entertainment" and this show was on. It's crap, by the way. 
 
Much preferred yours! 
 
Cheers 
 
Givitsum
Like fishing
Written by bwoz (125 comments posted) 7th February 2007
A very crafty piece of story. I really like the fishing references as applied to a "client". And what a perfect profession for this guy, an insurance adjuster. 
 
the only part I wasn't sure about was the BEAT interruptions. Is that a regional meaning? 
 
BW
Caught Me!
Written by mishmish (389 comments posted) 1st March 2007
Hi Jane 
 
Liked this a lot. Could see it work on hustle. The BBC missed a trick (if you excuse the pun!). 
 
Really enjoyed the inner voice idea too, and the fishing refs worked (though God knows what they are!) 
 
Great to be back! 
 
Best wishes 
 
Mish x

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!
 Previous item   Next item
This site is copyright 2005 - 2007 Great Writing. Work submitted by members remains the copyright of the respective authors.
See our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy.