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Poetry
Hush
By bwoz
06 February 2007
The break in rhyme is intentional -- life is like that sometimes.

A hush came falling but made no sound
Just the whisper of trees passing secrets around
Then a deep, distant rumble the rumor of rain 
As cloud tops mumbled accepting the blame.

You in the kitchen and I in the yard held
A mug of coffee you poured, such favored warmth.
Then you called to me.  At least you said you called
But I wasn’t listening (the way I sometimes don’t).

You must have called with your arms, your lips, your eyes
In a voice so much like vapor it vanished with the years.
Had you called with your heart, that I would have heard 
But you weren’t calling for me, not for me but for you.

So I trod the hush as it lay on the ground and
The secrets passed softly, branch to bough around
As the clouds bumped together and grumbled and complained
I drank the warmth you poured for me and yes dear, I heard you then.
                                               

Reviews

Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 6th February 2007
I think you may have posted this in the wrong forum. Easy enough to move: click on View my existing work, select this piece and from the drop down menu select poetry. I think you'll get more reviews over there. 
 
I thought this a very touching and well written piece. IN fact, it's one of those I had to go back and reread straight away. Good stuff. 
 
Small gripe: the strong rhythm and rhyme in the first verse jars when it doesn't continue in the rest. For me, losing this (not the verse - the pattern) would improve an already impressive piece. 
 
Phil.
thanks Phil
Written by bwoz (125 comments posted) 6th February 2007
I clicked at the wrong moment without realizing and sent it off to children's pages.....luckily it is G rated. 
 
Still, here it is. I might try your suggestion and remove the strong pattern, see if I can make it more like the weather. 
 
BW

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