Shafinah and Zulrika are two everyday Finsbury Park housewives. Bored senseless whilst the husbands are out womanising and trying to make a dishonest crust.
Shafinah: Is that another black eye you've got? What did you do to deserve one this time?
Zulrika: Well it was my fault as usual. You see my master cum husband demands alcohol fuelled sex with me on religious grounds.
Shafinah: Well, wanting sex is normal Zul, but I fail to recall where in the Koran it says you MUST have sex.
Zulrika: Oh no, I don't mean it like that. When I say religious grounds I meant in the mosque carpark. All that gravel gets up yer arse, yer know what I mean?
Shafinah: Oh, ok. Well Zul, I suppose he's got you by the long and curlies. I mean, if you don't want to do what he says, he has plenty of other wives that will yer know...
Zulrika: I know, I know. Well anyway, I managed to talk him into having sex here in the house instead. He ended up clumping me one when I complained cos he couldn't find me clitoris.
Shafinah: He couldn't find it? Well didn't you show him?
Zulrika: I did, but he wasn't happy at me having to get up and find it during the vinegar strokes. I keep it in a little jar you see in the wardrobe. My mum gave me it for my 18th birthday. She kept it since it was removed at my birth with a blunt knife, bless her cotton nijab. We had it mounted with the lid off his bobby's helmet.
Shafinah: Oh, ok. Well, that might be a lesson for you, always keep yer clit-bud handy in a bedside drawer.
Zulrika: I know. I suppose it was Allah's wish for me to get this shiner, so I should embrace it.
Shafinah: Praise be to Allah.
Zulrika: Yes
Shafinah: So, do you fancy going for a stroll in the park or summat? Maybe grab a bite to eat? I could murder a beef bacon butty...
Zulrika: I can't, I'm a bit busy later. He wants to go buy a few bags of fertiliser and starch, so I gotta hump them to the car for him.
Shafinah: OK then. Well I'll bugger off then; I'll see you tomorrow.
Zulrika: Bye, God bless.
[NEXT DAY. SHAFINAH CALLS ZULRIKA ON THE PHONE]
Shafinah: Hiya, it's only me..
Zulrika: Oh, hiya.
Shafinah: So I didn't see you at prayer this morning. What going on?
Zulrika: Oh, its nothing much. I'm just a bit crippled thats all.
Shafinah: Crippled? What happened?
Zulrika: Well when we were shopping yesterday, I couldn't see over all the sacks I was carrying, and ended up violating the 3-stride exclusion zone behind my husband..
Shafinah: Well.... crippling yer's a bit much innit? I'd have thought a whack on the nose would have been enough...?
Zulrika: Well it was my fault. I didn't see he'd stopped to pick an old ladies pocket and got too close. Anyway, it wasn't him that crippled me, it was the brutal gang-rape I endured this morning by his brothers and uncles, yer know, as punishment for me sins, being so disrespectful.
Shafinah: Oh, I see. Well that's ok then. Give us a call when you're able to walk, and we'll have that stroll in the park we talked about.
Zulrika: Ok dear, take care.
Shafinah: Bye. Stay lucky.
*CLICK*
.
|
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3446 comments posted) 7th February 2007 |
Blimey, and there's me fretting that I had gone OTT with my bit about the holocaust. I should have known. I'm not sure who you are in more danger of; the Muslims or the fans of Desperate Housewives, it has a fanatical following in America.
You really need to read this twice because it is difficult to laugh with your jaw hanging open.
Handled with your trademark subtley as usual.
Thanks for showing us how it should be done
cheers
J |
Quality.
Written by flook123 (35 comments posted) 7th February 2007 |
Hi Givitsum.
Nice scripting. Really sharp. Gerard told me you were one of the ' Chaps '. Those whose work I should look up and you don't disappoint. Look forward to more.
Great stuff.
Lance. |
Written by Phil (6838 comments posted) 7th February 2007 |
Not sure subtley is the right word - brick-like directness. (A brick that's thrown through a window direct.)
I don't have a problem with using extremes to illustrate a point. I found this funny, well paced and structured; and yet - and I can't exactly put my finger on why - it left me feeling a little uncomfortable.
It could be that there's no balance. I don't mean from you - that's not relevant - I mean on the site as a whole.
Maybe I'm just going soft.
Guiltily enjoyed.
Phil |
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 7th February 2007 |
Well someone had to say it. After all, the way that Desperate Housewives show is manifesting itself in today's society makes me sick. The only solution is the total abolition and outlawing of the entire TV show.
Cheers BBS, guessed it would be right up your alley.
And Lance, nice to make your aquaintance; glad we got another one onboard with a sense of humour. Will look out for your own offerings..
Thanks too Phil. As I always say; If you're gonna put your foot in it, go up toothe groin!
Givitsum |
Can`t put my finger on it....
Written by woody44 (777 comments posted) 8th February 2007 |
Not sure what a clitoris is Chris. Perhaps I`d better ask my sixth wife....Written in your usual` bugger `em all` style my friend. Liked the fertilizer and starch line. Never seen Desperate Housewives (back to the clit again) but if it`s anything like the rest of today`s TV....Finally, have you sorted out where you are going next in the world..Afganistan perhaps?
Keep `em coming.
Woody |
clucking bell
Written by sasquatch (125 comments posted) 8th February 2007 |
How do buddy
good to see you back with your usual panache. I especially liked the bit about the gang rape.
I tried a similar peice myself a while back, ended up getting a bit of a rollicking off someone. they threatened to pop a fatwa in my ass. so i backed off. real quiet like.
keep up the disgraceful work.
Sasquatch
|
,,,, but there is another side to it
Written by Bagheera (683 comments posted) 8th February 2007 |
 This feels so 'natural' I could easily imagine it being heard on one or other of the pointless, mind-numbing cheap-to-record "reality" shows which have taken over every channel in the last few months!
The Master of Anarchy, of course, is the only one who could post such a piece .... keep up the disgraceful work!!  |
Lads...
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 8th February 2007 |
Thanks Woody, your comments are always welcomed. Looking like Qatar is the next stop, though I'm hanging in a day or so more for Dubai. Either way, I'm sure the Desperate Housewives fans will have a reception party waiting...
Sassy, not like you to pull your punches. Though the airborne excrement-based yarns are slightly safer ground I admit.
And Bags, I like the title Master Of Anarchy. Possible story there somewhere perchance???
Alsithi
Givitsum
|
Written by coosh (888 comments posted) 12th February 2007 |
...on a flying visit, and spotted this little pearl. One o' your best, in my book - up there with the Toon (and that's not mutual clitoris-licking, you understand) - nothing beats masochism with a happy consenting smile - the sort of stuff one wishes one had the ability to write.
(Didn't Zulrika have an affair with that footballer.... I mean, 'avin' the wife beaten up by Pele or Eusebio'd be a honour, of course.... but Stan Collymore?!! - stay lucky yerself. Cheers. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 13th February 2007 |
I'm on a flying visit too, in between computer crashes, and read this with squeals and titters of appreciation, looking over my shoulder every 15 seconds or so. I just love all this multi-cultural British society stuff, and this one is a real winner. And yet, like Phil, I felt uncomfortable. Might have something to do with Salman Rushdie and all, but I am guessing that Givitsum isn't your real name. . .
I thought that the clitoris in a jar was a very funny idea. But boy, did it make me wince.
|
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 13th February 2007 |
Cheers coosh, nowt wrong with a bit of licking down there. I thought it was every woman's dream to marry a stamp collector? Glad you saw the fanny side (ahem!)
You too Witz, you should try writing it and sitting in the part of the world I'm sitting in. Seriously, I could get ten strokes of the birch.
Ho hum, it'd make a good story though.
Cheers |
Fabuloso!
Written by Talisker (1328 comments posted) 15th February 2007 |
Right on the little fleshy button once again!
I doubt even C4 would take this script, but it is painfully funny and wonderfully irreverent. Keep em' coming!
Oli |
Written by LynB (435 comments posted) 15th February 2007 |
I loved this - can't really add to what everyone else has said, except to say that when it comes to comedy sketches, you really are the master!
As for the clitoris, I swear my ex thought it was some kind of climbing plant.... |
Thank You
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 16th February 2007 |
Cheers you two. For my next trick, I'll take the mickey out of northerners, just to make people think I've not got anything against a certain type of people.
Love the good reviews, keep 'em coming! (Shit, even I'm saying it now!)
Rgds
Givistum |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3446 comments posted) 17th February 2007 |
As Lyn as mentioned clit jokes there's a really weird one
"The clitoris was fist discovered in 1743 at first they thought it was India
J |
Written by coosh (888 comments posted) 17th February 2007 |
... or a Cypriot holiday resort...
Interesting, BBS, that it took a "fist" to discover it... |
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