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Poetry
[untitled as yet]
By no1butClo
07 February 2007
another work-a-day, Oli? help me out here guys...

I can't work out how to finish it off, it needs one more stanza but i'm not sure what sort of note to leave it on...

We have space, in this city, to spread out.
There is no need to coil our houses
round each other, or bury clean-cut
lawns in concrete.

It is possible to use perspective,
create pinprick horizon at the end
of streets, rainbowed with graffitti.
There is room to be diverse:

take a pinch of glass, combine
with sandstone, add acid rain and
call yourself a city. Next, mix in tar-
macadam, road signs to everywhere
from Brent Cross to St. Pauls.

These new glass boxes show us a
view of plastic ants, scurrying round
their nine-to-five, inversions of the
nymphs and fauns, carved and dancing
far below. Their prime was two thousand
years ago in the mind of some Grecian
artisan.

The river creates a foreground for
silver nodules, slivered metal,
a cut-off for this overflow of
people and ideas, architects drawings
sprawling, coloured in.

Reviews

Written by Marybarry (237 comments posted) 7th February 2007
Hi, 
I'm not Olli or Phil, I always turn to those two guys for help. 
 
But I cant get over the feeling that you should make this poem into a short story. 
 
Suggestions; 
 
Recipe for a crappy city. :) marybarry

Written by Phil (6738 comments posted) 7th February 2007
Read this a few times now and I'm having a few difficulties. Like the first two verses well enough, but then the poem goes off in an unexpected direction - for me. Had to reread to readjust. 
 
Liked the idea of verse four, but it didn't quite come across for me. 
 
Got lost in final verse. 
 
I know this probably isn't very helpful. I think my problem is that I can't work out the centre or focus of this so I can't see how all the pieces relate to one another. Sorry if this means little, 
 
Phil.
resolution
Written by bwoz (125 comments posted) 8th February 2007
I don't think the last stanza adds much, at least not in that sequence. Perhaps if you moved it up to first stanza, and name the river. I live in a place where rivers have no water until the rainy season. Naming the river will bring focus, even to those who might only have seen it in pictures.  
 
Also in that stanza, it might be a good thing to mention something about reflection, without getting cliche. That is the initial thought I had is that the river somehow inspires the architecture, add the mosture needed to finish the recipe for "a city".  
 
If you move that stanza up then I think the last line about Grecian artisan is a solid ending. 
 
Whatever you choose, I think the last stanza, even if you add another, should resolve the thoughts, i.e. what will become of the city or what has already transpired that affects the inhabitants. Maybe something like that. 
 
Good words. 
 
BW

Written by jsyingling (31 comments posted) 10th February 2007
I liked this. Kind of getting a strange feel from it, which is what I believe you were going for. Kind of reminds me of the book "Invisible Cities" by Italo Calvino. I agree that verse four needs some work, but I also like the transition between two and three. I think its close to working as it exists now... good luck.

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