Mr. Fixit

No, not the Caretaker. He's got the advantage of full, strong, Union backup to keep his job 'sweet' and a timecard to keep a tally on how many hours he works….  [beat]

Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to present for you the real hero without whom every school would soon cease to function: [beat: SFX rimshot on snaredrum]

THE SUPPLY TEACHER!!

Just think about it! It's eight-thirty on a miserable Monday morning in mid-February.

Some bright spark has timetabled R.E. in Period 1 for an unstreamed Year 11 class, and the cannon fodder "low man on the totem pole" has just rung in: she's taken a powder and has no intention of coming in today……..   [beat]

They think they're so cool, so original, but they don't realise in fifteen years slumming it in city centre secondary schools there isn't much I haven't seen or heard …. I've probably bought the T-shirt, somewhere along the line! And the shocked silence when I collected their exercise books at the end of the lesson, to mark them ..! They don't know any more than I do whether we'll ever have the pleasure of each other's company again, but maybe if they think there's a remote possibility of me assessing or grading their work, they might put a bit more effort into it! Now for period 2 …. Year 8, Geography … Someone's got to be having a laugh! Quick recce at the course book – I was about their age last time I opened a geography book in anger ….. and not much changes, I see! Local studies, is it? Right, local studies it shall be …. Pity it's pissing down outside, but let's see how accurate a scale map of the school buildings and grounds they can come up with …. Waste five minutes splitting the class into teams of four, and acting as judge & jury when the final three boys have to accept a girl to make up their team ……….  Less than twenty minutes outside, they can finish off their sketches for homework …. Yes, 8D, I said "Homework", and Homework I meant! First time you've had Geography homework? Better make a good job of it, then ….! [beat]

Coffee Break, but I've learnt to take a flask rather than chance the gutrot most schools provide ….  also, I can mark the books I've collected in the first couple of lessons, instead of sitting around at the end of the day ('cause there's NO WAY I'll cart them home, even if I am back here tomorrow ….. !)

Periods 3 & 4, double chemistry, non-examination class Year 10.

You have to ask yourself, what's the point of using a double lesson for practical work with a group of no-brainers who aren't even going to take an exam in the subject? Send your answers on the back of a clean £10 note to me at the following address ……..

Quick ref. to the National Curriculum. Fortune favours the brave! By this time in this school year, a non-exam class should have tried growing copper sulphate crystals by evaporating water from a solution. Harmless, safe, and no cause for 'orrible stenches in the process. Plus, if I insist on them copying detailed instructions from the board before they start the experiment, chances are at least half of them are so dozy they won't even begin the practical work

Lunchtime. Science books marked. The class "fliers" – maybe three or four misplaced souls – had actually completed the task and tried to write up a theory to explain their results. Still, credit where it's due: it gives a warm, fuzzy feeling to write something nice for a change in a couple of books! [beat]

Now, what joys and delectations have I this afternoon ….. ?

First off we have the delightful Year 9 for English. A swift consultation shows that this teacher, for once, has left an 'outline' for the lesson so I won't go in empty-handed.

They're reading "Romeo & Juliet" for GCSE. And since I carry round in my "goody bag" a copy of "West Side Story" we can see how the stories are very close….. then they can listen to "Grease" for homework!

A cushy number 'wind down' at the end of the day: Music with Year 7. They haven't been 'tainted' with the cynicism and sheer bloodymindedness they acquire as they grow older...

In and out the Head's office, timesheet signed. Am I available for the following day?  Now I can be "picky" – no way am I putting my head on a plate by covering a remedial Year 11 class RE all week, or anything equally suicidal…. Year 7 & 8 English & Maths sounds OK, with a bit of GCSE syllabus French, fulltime work the rest of the week…..  quick diary check, no gigs or soccer matches to go to, I'll take anyone's money ….!

That's the beauty of this job: plenty of benefits without the hassle and bureaucracy of endless formfilling and unpaid overtime. Chess clubs, football training, choir practices …. the list goes on, figure it out yourself!  

Strolling empty-handed across the playground, seeing the clapped-out rust buckets owned by the permanent members of staff still parked up, awaiting the arrival of their respective owners dragging heavy shopping trolleys full of books to be taken home and marked ….

Do I feel guilty? Not a bit of it, sunshine! Most schools think you've done a good job if you prevent a riot breaking out during lessons, and anything else is a bonus! Me, I made a decent set of notes years ago, I haven't taught anything 'new' since then, and unless I go back to a school pretty often there's no reason for me to think that will change…..

Anyone coming down the pub? [beat]

Oh, no, I forgot: there's still tomorrow's lessons to prepare ….[beat]

Suckers!!!!