Chapter 39

There was an awkward silence for a couple of minutes, then Joanne pushed her chair back, and began to pick up the pieces of broken china.  Jon just stood there, leaning against the worktop, quite incapable of speech.  Joanne put her hand on his shoulder, but he furiously shook it off.

"I'm so sorry, Jon!" she said, her voice shaking.  "She promised me she'd tell you!  I thought you knew!  If I'd realised she hadn't even told you I wouldn't have said a word, I....."

"Shut up!" he yelled, suddenly rounding on her.  "Who else knows, Donna?  When exactly were you going to tell me - just before you went under the anaesthetic?"

"Please, Jon!" she begged, her voice almost a whisper.  "No one else knows, I swear!  I didn't want to tell you in case it was nothing to worry about - it may be harmless!  I'm so sorry you had to find out like this!"

"Save it, Donna!" he snapped, almost choking on the words.  "I think I've heard enough! Oh, Jesus, I can't take this in......"

He looked at her, suddenly blinded by tears, and the pain in his eyes went straight to her heart.  She reached out for his hand, but he ran straight past her, and up the stairs.  They heard the bedroom door slam, and they both looked at each other, not quite knowing what to say.  Donna was shocked back to reality when Emily suddenly began to cry, closely followed by the other two.  They hated it when their parents were upset or angry. Joanne sat there cuddling Clare and Rosie, while Donna tried to console Emily. They waited until the children had fallen quiet, then took them upstairs for a nap - they all appeared to be exhausted.  Donna lingered outside the bedroom door, her heart slowly breaking as she listened to the heartrending sobs coming from the other side.  As she put her hand on the handle, Joanne stopped her.

"Leave him, Donna!" she said, gently.  "Give him time to take it in.  After all, he found out in the cruellest possible way!  Me and my big mouth!  Come on, let's go downstairs and have a nice cup of tea, then I'll go!  Then you can go upstairs and talk to him - hopefully, he may have calmed down a little by then!"

"I wouldn't blame him if he never spoke to me again!" said Donna, when they were both settled on the sofa, with a cup of tea.  "I thought I was doing the right thing, by not telling him until I was sure, I thought I would avoid causing him any unnecessary pain.  Instead, I've caused him more pain than if I'd told him straight away!  God, what must he be thinking right now!"

They both looked up to see him standing in the doorway.  His head was resting against the wall, and he was hugging himself as if he were cold.  The look of pain on his face was almost more than both of them could stand.  His eyes were red and swollen, and his face was still wet with tears.  He did not say a word, but he did not need to.  His pain was obvious for anyone to see.  Joanne decided to exercise a little tact, and, after taking her empty cup into the kitchen, she announced that she was going.  She hesitated by the door, her hand on his arm.

"Hear her out, Jon" she said, gently.  "She had her reasons, you know!"

"What right do you have to tell me what to do?  What the hell does it have to do with you?"

"She's my sister, Jon.  I love her - I love you both.  I hate to see you like this - it's my fault!  I shouldn't have said what I did, but I just assumed she'd told you!"

"Why the hell would she tell me?" he yelled, the sarcasm and bitterness in his voice going straight to her heart.  "I'm only her husband, after all!  How do you think I feel?  She tells you everything!  What does she tell me?!  Absolutely bugger all!!"

"I'll go now!" said Joanne, turning her attention to Donna.  "I think you two need some time alone!  You're both in pain, and you need to get your feelings out in the open!  I'll be thinking about you!  Let me know how it goes!"

With that, she was gone.  As the front door closed behind her, Donna turned to face Jon, but he turned his back on her, declaring that he did not want to speak to her.  She stood in front of him, gripping his arms, pleading with him to listen.

"Please, Jon!  If you don't want to talk to me - at least listen!  Please, I beg you...."

"Oh, so you want to talk to me now, do you?  Well, I might not want to listen!  It wasn't exactly broken to me gently, was it, Donna?  I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach...."

"How do you think I feel?" she snapped, tears stinging her eyes.  "I'm the one with the lump in my breast...."

As he watched her struggle with her self control, he realised he could no longer be angry with her, and gathered her into his arms.  He held her close, stroking her hair and rubbing her back, as she sobbed on his shoulder, clinging to him as if her life depended on it.

"I'm sorry I shouted at you, Donna!" he said, his voice trembling.  "it's just that it was such a shock, finding out like that! Now I've calmed down, I've realised that if it was a shock for me, what the hell must it be like for you?  Come and sit down with me - I'll make you a cup of tea first, I think you could do with one!"

He came back into the living room with two steaming cups of tea, and after placing them on the table, he sat down next to her, and put his arm around her shoulder.  She reached up and took hold of his hand, trying her best to smile, but the look of love and concern on his face broke her completely, and she leaned her head on his chest as, once again, tears took over.

"I'm so scared, Jon!" she wept, clinging to him once again, like a drowning person to a life raft. "Hold me, please!  Help me through this - tell me what to do!  I can't face it on my own!  I need you so badly - more than I've ever needed anyone before in my life!  Please, sweetheart, promise me you'll be by my side whatever happens....."

"What do you mean - whatever happens?" he said, his voice shaking.  "Nothing is going to happen!  I'll come with you to the doctor, and you can get it checked out!  I'm sure it's nothing!  They'll do a test, then when they tell you it's nothing, that should ease your mind!  You'll be all right, Donna - I'm sure of it!"

"You can't be sure, and neither can I - not until I've been to the doctor!  Until then, we'll just have to wait and hope!  In the meantime, I've got you to turn to!  I'll need someone to turn to if it's not good news...."

"Stop it, Donna!"  She stared at him, shocked, as tears began to roll down his face.  "Don't say that!  Don't even think it!"

"I have to think about it, Jon!" she said, putting her hands on his shoulders.  "I can't just bury my head in the sand!  I've got to face the possibility that the news may not be good!  Hopefully it will be, but until I've seen the doctor, and had a test, I won't know for sure!  Until then, I need you to be strong for me.  I can face anything, if I know you're there!"

"Just one thing, Donna - how did you find it?"

"Well" she said, taking a deep breath.  "I'd just got out of the shower, and I was drying myself when I felt this tiny lump in my left breast.  It doesn't hurt, so I didn't realise it was there until then - it's not very big, so I don't think it's been there for very long.  It put the fear of God into me, and ever since then, I've been working out the best way to tell you.  Then I thought that if it was nothing, I would have put you through all that pain and worry for no reason, so I decided to wait until I found out my results!  The only reason I told Joanne was because she noticed I was down, and wouldn't give in until I told her - she made me promise to tell you!  She thought you had a right to know!  The thing was, when I saw the look of expectation on your face, and when I thought of how happy you'd been lately, I couldn't bring myself to break it to you!  It backfired badly, though, didn't it?  I hurt you more than I ever thought possible.  I'm sorry I didn't tell you - can you forgive me?"

"What's to forgive?" he said, gently stroking her cheek.  "I know now, that's all that matters!  Now we can concentrate on finding out exactly what it is, and what they'll need to do about it!"

"As long as you're here, I know can face anything!" she said, wrapping her arms around his neck, and resting her head on his shoulder.

As he held her close, she could not see the tears that were streaming down his face. He desperately wanted to cry, but fought against it.  How could he let go, when his wife had told him that she needed his strength to see her through this?  This was one time when he could not let her down.  As she gradually drifted off to sleep, he just sat there looking at her.  She looked so small, so vulnerable - just like a bewildered, frightened child, snuggled up in his arms, almost as though as long as she remained there, she was safe from the world and all it could throw at her.  Outwardly, he remained remarkably calm, mainly for Donna's sake, but inside he was struggling with every conceivable emotion, and it was only a matter of time before the floodgates opened, and God help him when they did, because he would not know what had hit him.

That very same day, Donna rang the doctor's surgery for an appointment in a couple of days' time.  It seemed like the longest two days of their lives, but, eventually the time came.  They left the children with Eileen, and made their way to the surgery, neither of them speaking during the short journey - they were both lost in their own thoughts.

Even after a thorough examination, the doctor was still not sure exactly what the lump was, so she arranged to send Donna to the hospital for a mammogram, which would prove beyond all doubt exactly what was happening.  She had asked the hospital to arrange it as soon as possible, so they were hoping they would not have to wait for too long.  Donna wanted to try and keep her mind occupied, so she decided to go and visit her mother, with the children, then they were all going to go into town and have some lunch while they were there.

"Do you want to come, love?" she said, putting her arms around his waist.  "It might help, you know!  A change of scene!"

"I don't think I will, Donna" he replied, sitting on the sofa, resting his head in his hands.  "I feel like crap - my head's pounding, my throat hurts, and I'm sneezing for England!  Do you mind if I give it a miss?"

"No, of course not!  Will you be all right if I go?"

"Of course I will!  It's only a cold - I think I'll be all right on my own for a few hours!"

"As long as you're sure...."

"Positive!  You go, Donna!  It'll do you good, if it gets you out of the house for a while - go on, I'll be fine!"

Kissing him goodbye, she left the house.  As he heard her drive away, he walked into the kitchen and switched on the kettle.  He was hoping that a nice cup of tea would ease his sore throat, because at the moment, it even hurt to swallow.  As he stood there waiting for it to boil, he heard a gentle tap on the door, and Eileen came in.  She stood there in the doorway, her face a picture of concern.

"I just saw Donna drive away" she said, her voice gentle.  "tell me to go away if you want, but I thought that maybe you could use some company..."

"I'm all right!" he said, suddenly feeling very tearful, but the stubborn streak in him made him determined not to let Eileen see how he really felt.  "Honestly, Eileen - you don't need to stay!  I'm fine - really!"

"Come on, Jon!" said Eileen - she was not that easily fooled.  "This is me you're talking to!  You don't need to put on a brave face in front of me!"

"I'm not!" he said, obstinately, still trying to deny his feelings.  "I'm all right, I tell you!"

With that, he walked into the living room, and sat on the sofa, clenching his fists as he fought to keep hold of his self control.  Eileen was not one to be put off, and she walked into the room after him.  As she stood there in the doorway, looking at him intently, her heart aching for him, he looked up at her.

"Come on, sweetheart!" she said, softly.  "Why can't you just admit it?  You're not all right, are you?"

"Yes!" he insisted, trying to stare her out.  "I am all right!  I'm fine, I..... "

He stared at her, his face crumpling, as the sudden release of his pent-up feelings hit him like a battering ram.  He covered his face with his hands, as he began to cry like a baby.  Eileen hurried over and tried to take hold of him, but he fought against her embrace.  At first, he was too strong for her, and she could not hold him, but she would not give up.  Even when he pushed her away, she took hold of him again, holding on like grim death, even when he shouted and swore at her - something he would never have done in a normal frame of mind.  He was beside himself with pain, and he was lashing out.  Anyone else would have been scared at the intensity of his feelings, but as an ex-nurse, used to dealing with people in varying degrees of pain, Eileen knew exactly what to do.

"Stop it, Jon!" she said, firmly, giving him a gentle shake.  "That's enough!  Stop fighting me - please!"

"Let go of me!" he yelled, completely beside himself.  "I can't give in!  I have to be strong for Donna, I promised!   She's scared, Eileen, I have to be strong, I have to...."

"In the meantime, who's being strong for you?" said Eileen, her voice firm but gentle.  "You can't be strong all the time!  You're allowed to be scared, you know!  For goodness sake, stop acting the hard man!  Just give in, and cry, dammit!"

She suddenly felt his body go limp in her arms, and she held him fast, as he sobbed uncontrollably.  She did not say another word - she did not need to.  She had said all she needed to say to give him the strength to face what lay ahead.